So you know I've ventured back into meeting people via Internet. I've met another guy who had weightloss surgery(wls). I shared with him that I find I feel things deeper now, and he shared this quote of his, "You eat over what is eating you . Once you put the food down the sh*t will come up". I could not have put it better myself. See thanks to growing up in an alcoholic family, I got use to other folks telling me the equivalent of "who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?" You know its the kind of thing where you see the truth, know the truth in your gut, feel the truth in your heart, but you mom, dad, the family, etc tells you that its not true. Many times when you have someone "acting out" (running away, overly sexual, drugging, cutting, etc), they're actually saying my family is F'd up royally and this is my way of dealing with it. For some of us, we "eat over". We are the ones that go along. We go along when someone lies and we know that they know its a lie, we go along when someone runs over us, instead of setting boundaries, we go along when someone tries to dominate our lives and run it for us, we go along when a job is crappy and we are taken advantage of, we go along when someone tries to damage our self-esteem. The list goes on and on and you can add your own go along lyrics. Its as if someone reached in our brains and turned off the "you don't have to take this sh*t, you have options" button. Its classic for children of alcoholics and maybe kids from any dysfunctional background to see things in black and white. By that I mean someone disappoints you and you cut them off, cause you think that's your only option. For me in my household, it meant making decisions or drawing conclusions without all the information or with faulty information. So thinking outside the box was not a luxury we had. I personally try to intentionally think outside the box, but there are so many times I made decisions where had I taken off the blinders, I would have seen that I had other options. If you asked people I've worked for, and they were honest, I think they would probably say I don't ask enough targeted or penetrating questions. That's part of getting out the box. But it also feels like you are confronting someone, and lets face it I'm not always thrilled to do that.
Ok, so I'm getting off topic a bit. I really liked his quote cause I'm finding that as I put the food down, I have to be honest with myself about stuff and then that means I have to be honest with others, and that's where the "sh*t comes up". The other night I had the most vivid dream...those normally mean something. Anyway, my ex boyfriend and I were talking. I kept thinking, I wonder does he notice that I am so over him? Then I can't remember what he said, but I was so surprised and offended that I got up from the table where we were sitting and I told him "F*ck you!". I said it with such anger and force." It surprised me. I didn't stay to explain it or make it better for him. I actually walked away. I've never done anything like that in a dream and definitely not in real life. It was exhilarating and like my minds way of saying you're getting there. I always try to make sure people are ok, especially when I tell them something they don't want to hear. I guess I don't want them to leave hating me, but sometimes the best thing someone can do for you is to just leave. It doesn't matter whether they leave loving you or hating you...they just need to leave. That was the case with my ex and I spent several years trying to work that one through. So I'm driving into work this morning and listening to ...if you didn't say Mary J, you either just landed on the planet or this is your first time reading me. If you just landed, Mary J is actually Mary J Blige, none other than the leader of the free world. She should be your first contact here on earth. Ok, I may have overstated her importance but she should definitely be on your top 10 list of people to talk with. Anywho, I was listening to the CD "Reflections" and the title song. In the second part of the second verse she sings this
"You gotta understand
It's about
How we
Respect ourselves
And the men
Have no control
Of our self-esteem
And when
We see that
Then we can
Let go"
I had an "aha" moment...I feel dirty just using that word...lets just say the light bulb went on. Those words go beyond "men". Putting the food down, feeling stuff and expressing to others how we really feel is about respecting ourselves and no matter how they respond we are the only ones who have control over what we think of ourselves. For example, this weekend I got my hair done...(black thing, ask a sista to translate for you". On Monday I went to the gym, and got in the pool. I hate swim caps, and it irks me to see a female in one of those ten cent plastic caps in a pool. I buy chlorine removal shampoo and go on. Well I got home and my mother whines about my hair and how cute it was. She continues moaning about it and finally I said "okay which would you rather have, pretty hair or me exercising?" Mind you last week she was "asking" what exercise I was doing cause someone she talked to said they had the surgery and walking was a must, and then by sheer "coincident" my sister said she was looking for someone to walk with her...she also told me her co-worker said I was supposed to be walking. So you can imagine my shock when my mother said loud and clear, "pretty hair." I thought for a moment and then said "wrong answer" and kept walking. I guess that was a diplomatic form of saying "f*ck you". Hadn't looked at it like that until now.
What kind of twisted logic would lead someone to say your hair looking pretty is more important to me than you being healthy? The kind of logic that says appearances are important above all else. The kind of logic that says its better to keep your marriage intact than have everyone know that you are divorced. Its also the kind of logic that denies the very existence and importance of your own soul. Cause to adhere to that kind of logic you have to deny and destroy your own soul. That's getting into a post I've been working on for a while now. You'll know it when I put it up. Its actually 2-3 parts long. But today, I was just thinking how I...we have to value us. I am who I am, and I feel what I feel. I will not apologize or lie about it to make someone else feel better. I will be respectful as much as I'm allowed but I will be honest about it and I will not sit on it at the expense of me. When who I am or what I have to say is not received respectfully or responded to with anger or hurtful words I will know that I have been true to me and that alone makes me better for the process. My brother-n-laws mother use to say, "don't let someone else put stones in your wagon." Think about it, if its your wagon, you will eventually have to pull it and if you have allowed others to weigh it down, you and you alone will be dragging all that mess around. I say, give the stones back either politely or thrown if necessary. You and your wagon will go further and last longer.
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