coming clean

I realize I sound like a one hit wonder when I do this, but its who I am right now. I was driving into work and listening to MJB. It was her live performance in LA. I was listening and thinking about her performances I've seen. I had to finally admit something that hurt me to my heart. Mary is not the most captivating live performer I've ever seen. About 3-4 months ago I had this discussion. Someone said she was not impressed with MJB live. Well I smiled and continued talk, because being a good Southern young lady I understood that every one's entitled to their opinion...no matter how wrong it may be. I shared my opinion...."MJB is the best performer walking OR riding". I am a fairly new zealot for Mary. I bought "411" and didn't pick up another CD until "Growing Pains" 2 years ago. It was like seeing a long lost relative from childhood and you can't be separated again. I have everything except one project, and the new project. I watch her anytime she's on. I am looking for someone to shoot, cause I missed her singing the national anthem...can't believe you guys didn't tell me!!

Anyway I've watched her objectively and had to admit it. I think the problem is, she doesn't own the stage. Some people own the stage with their presence others own it with how they move around it, but MJB seems to be more comfortable with being part of a group. If you've ever seen Steve Harvey's bit about rapper in the Kings of Comedy show. He talks about their being lots of folks on the stage and they all have a mic. That seems to be where MJB is coming from. I know she could make the stage call her name, but I haven't seen it yet. I may have missed it and that's cool. Its not a deal breaker, in fact I admire her more.
That's fine cause lets face it, Mary J doesn't know I exist and she really and truly doesn't effect my everyday living, so if I wanted to I could remain in denial the rest of my days about her life performances.
Its a different issue when we remain in denial about folks closer to us. Women die all the time, because they were in denial about how violent their partner actually is and the risk to their lives and their children's lives. That's the extreme, but everyday we do this to the detriment of our emotional and psychological health. We deny that we see clear signs that he is cheating, that he is not into us like he should be, that he isn't over his past relationship, that he is not at a place where he is ready to be serious, that his drinking is out of control, that he means it when he says he doesn't want to start a family now, that he is not going to divorce his wife, that he is a stingy man, that he is controlling, that he is verbally abusive, that there are too many gaps in his story, that we should listen to our guts. Coming clean in a relationship is so important. Several years ago had a friend whose husband was cheating. He denied it up one side and down another. They had odd working hours, so it was difficult for her to detect. However her gut told her something was wrong and she began to look for thing...and she found them. By the time she had her proof, she had not slept with him in almost a year. Now some people would say she pushed him away, but instead of sticking her head in the sand, she took her own physical, emotional and psychological health into her own hands. Because she did, she spared herself a sexually transmitted disease. Mind you he continued to deny his cheating and had no idea he had anything...and continued to ask her for sex. When he finally admitted ALL that he had done, it was so much sh*t it made her head spin. She has since divorced him, and is now dating a much healthier (in all ways) man. Now compare that with a friend of my mom. Her husband cheated, contracted AIDS, and then came back home. She said he was her husband and she had to take him back, AND because he didn't want to use a condom she didn't. He died and yes she followed not long after. Some people actually said they admired her. I apologize if you know her, if she is someone important in your life...but that was so freakin stupid that words can't even began to describe the level of stupidness it was. Can you imagine the turmoil that must have left their children in (if they had any)?
How does this play out for me. I think if you asked my friends pre-surgery, they would have told you that I was basically one of the happiest people they knew, and that I didn't let my size hold me back. I also would have said something similar. I mean I would have told you that my social life was probably my biggest weight issue. BUT I have been told by several people that I seem to be in a really good place now. Here's the kicker, my social life is not much better now, than pre-surgery...actually it might be worst. I mean I meet more guys, but that simply means more relationships that don't work. Yet, I am more open and honest with folks. I was in denial about the things I was swallowing and taking that I simply did not like. Coming clean is so freeing. I get scared a lot, cause I'm in uncharted waters, but I love being in these new places and I love the feeling of empowerment I have. It seems to come from the fact that I am doing whats good for me, not caught up in comparing myself to where others are in their journeys.
Come clean about whatever it is and free yourself. If you hate your job, start looking or get back in school...YOU CAN DO IT. If he just wants to live together, but you want marriage, pack your stuff and go,"its you who will be found and loved..." Joy Luck Club movie. If you are the doormat for your friends or family, you deserve so much more, but until you make a change they will continue to wipe their feet on you. There's a reason why the phrase is "come CLEAN"...