My sister's going through divorce # 2...she's thin, My friend is living with her mom after a divorce...she's skinny, tall, leggy and light complexioned, my friend is separated...men get mesmerized by her booty, my friend is still dealing with the repercussions of her divorce...she's a cute small Asian, Vanessa Williams, Halle Berry, Jennifer Anniston, on and on it goes. Check out this link.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31377503/ns/today_weddings/
Ok so if you read, some of the comments in the past I believe one alluded to me eventually discovering that weight was not the whole issue regarding me and relationships. I knew that...intellectually, but not in my heart. Then a friend told me I would get treated differently by men. He even told me to test the theory by reposting an ad I have on a dating site. Leave the one I have now with an old picture, but cut and paste the words with a picture when I hit goal weight. His theory is the treatment of both ads will be different. A few weeks ago we were talking about what I was doing in between that, as far as responding and actively checking the post. Both he and another friend suggested I fly the flag up the pole now and see whats out there. So I did and I've gotten responses from several guys. Now here's where we get into the reason for this post. I know men are visual creatures, but my god! What is it with them and breast? Why do men come in so many different varieties? Some are funny, some are not, some are assertive and some are not, some want to lead, some don't, on and on, how is a girl suppose to know how to land one! They are suppose to be the simple creatures and we are suppose to be complicated. I am absolutely terrified. At first I thought I was jaded because of all the divorce, separation, cheating and general unhappiness I see and hear about in marriage. Then I thought maybe I'm looking at folks and simply being realistic about the fact that relationships simply aren't what they are cracked up to be. I wondered if I have lived single too long to be with someone happily. I wondered if I have too much baggage. I wonder if I simply don't have what it takes to be in an on-going relationship...and there's not a book, therapist, or church out there that can help me. If you're thinking, "dag, home girl has gone off the edge." You would be right except that I grabbed a limb and pulled myself back up. You know I will be the first to admit that some of whats out there in the dating pool should make me, you and every other intelligent woman just a bit afraid. I will also admit that we all have folks in our lives who's relationships have gone south real fast and real bad. Can we also admit that we enjoy vacations and trips that we didn't have to take someone along, or make sure he was ok about us going and we really love spending our money the way we want? Ok lets just get that all out of our systems before I go on. Deep breath in and relaxing breath out. That stuff aside whats the deal?
A couple of weeks ago a new acquaintance suggested to a group of us, a new sexual idea. It was a very intimate act involving oils, no clothes and lots of body contact. Well, it sounded good and I am all for trying it. HOWEVER me being me, I got stuck on how very intimate the act is. No doubt it will be enjoyable and lead to some (throat clearing sound), nice action afterwards, but again it is a very intimate act. I couldn't help but wonder how many times someone had pulled this one out of their bag of goodies and shared it with someone who wasn't ready or worthy of that type of intimacy. So now we are headed where I want to go...almost. I think that particular sex act is like marriage or long term relationships. Speaking for me, I've layed out the red carpet and put up a blinking neon sign indicating "Pearly Gates this way". To put it the way the Bible has, I have cast pearls before swines. You know, basically done everything including the dance of the seven veils to get him locked down. If you meet me, you might not guess it, but I am an encore kinda girl. I can still count my partners on one hand, but don't sleep on me...I got some skills and all of them have come back for more, and the reviews are all good...ok so there was one complaint. But, I'm a quick study, or as Mae West puts it when, "I'm good, I'm good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better!", and the complainer turned out to be my most ardent fan. Damn I'm good. Sorry but my momma says, "Its a po' frog that don't praise his own pond." Think on that one for a minute, its really quite deep.
Anywho, I said that to say, I am still a single woman. Obviously skills alone can't lock em down, no matter how many times we hear that myth. I think I've mistaken sex for intimacy and given sex, rather than getting to be truly intimate. This is not a wait speech. You do you, I got to answer for me and you got to answer for you. No, this is a I'm scared of real intimacy speech. Something about the act mentioned above really freaked me out. I've had to let it bounce around in my brain for two weeks before I could put my finger on it. I have always wanted to have a perfect body. I'm always amazed at compliments I get about my body. I know no one has a perfect body, but I still wonder what his first reaction will be, when he realizes I don't look like what he's seen somewhere else. I know I'm not alone cause I've heard of women who won't have sex with the lights on. Ok, I guess the saving grace for me is that I'm nosey...lol.
Just as the woman having sex in the dark fears what her lover will think when he gets a good view of her body, I fear what my lover will think when he knows the real me. The woman in the dark doesn't realize that until she turns on the light and fully embraces who she is, she is preventing her lover from completely consuming and loving all that she is. I am amazed at the human heart's ability to love. You've had those moments too. The man who marries a woman with no legs, the woman who marries a man who is able to move only his head. Those stories always touch me and frankly send me back to the drawing board asking "what's wrong with me? If they can find love, why can't I?". I think this right here is a big part of it. I suspect that men may be simple, but they aren't simpletons and somewhere in their guts, the men in my past have had that little feeling that something wasn't quite right. I don't know maybe one may have even said something like this to his best bud, "you know the other night I was with her and things were good, but I had the feeling she wasn't all there. I keep thinking there's some of her that I don't have, and I wonder what she's hiding." Think I'm reaching at straws? In sharing, I had a friend share a similar conversation her lover had with her. This was a long term relationship where it was clear he would climb the tallest mountain to get her whatever she needed or desired, but he said he knew for certain there were parts of her he was not allowed into. Maybe after all of this, it really isn't the weight that has kept me out of a long term relationship. The weight may have been the first line of defense to keep me out of true intimacy...and consequently kept me from the hurt I feared so much. Unfortunately its also kept me from the love I wanted so much. So, now I have to figure out how to get some emotional oil in preparation for some very up close and personal soul rubbing. If he sticks around after that, I might just bless him with the real oil, hehehe!
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