The L word and Philly

Last night I went to a "Passion" Party, at the home of a couple I've known for about 4-5 years. They had a slow and shaky start, but they are in their first home, which they moved into in June. They have an absolutely beautiful home, handsome three year old son, and two dogs. It was an all women's affair so both members of the this couple were present. I am use to being a minority at my gym, at my job and so on, but this was the first time I've been a sexual orientation minority in an after work hours social event. Being me, I observed and noted a few things. First of all, I assumed that because of the outside biases, lesbians and gays intermingle racially. They may have white friends, but they were not present last night. That's the second thing I noticed, there were three vanilla(lifestyle) females present and all three of us had some form of fake hair attached to our heads. The sisters living the lifestyle had locks, short naturals, short texturizers, short permed looks, and only two long permed styles in the bunch. Couldn't help but notice the easy overlapping of household duties. I am friends with the more feminine of the two. We've talked before and she's closer to a lipstick lesbian. I'll get to our conversation later. I figured she would be the housekeeper, nurturer, and so forth. Her partner was there to greet us and throughout the night played a wonderful host (hostess?), helped my friend fry chicken, tucked their son into bed, but was also the owner of the tv's remote control. I also assumed that lesbians were much more open with their sexuality and that if I was privately proud of my prowess as a sex goddess, then they were the end all be all of the female form. To my surprise some were self-proclaimed shy, other's not very adventurous another almost militant in her refusal to even entertain products male related or having to do with pleasures which simulated male attributes. My stereotype was probably more from the male psyche played out in male porn. I expected women who loved sex, talked sex and were up for a romp on the kitchen table at the drop of a hat. Instead there were silences, less purchases and more comments about absent lovers needing to hear the information given out. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, staying much later than I anticipated. In fact we are discussing a joint venture in January. I AM gonna hold onto my last stereotype...surely it must be one of the best "carpet cleanings" you could get anywhere...catch my drift? You know, toe curling, thigh twitching, the seizure kind?
Okay, with that said...
Lately you know I've been venturing back into online dating. Is it just me or have men lost their pea picking, ever loving minds? What is up with them? My god, the whole bunch of them act as though they should be the ones buying Tampax, Always and Kotex products! Moody, timid, defensive, insecure, and just downright afraid. And, those are the good ones!!! So, I must admit, I've never been a strong dater. I've been more of a take em or leave me kinda gal. With my commitment issues, I didn't stick around long enough for the day to day crap it takes to build a relationship. I'm beginning to think maybe I've encouraged this friendship thing that seems to happen between me and guys. Its a lot less scary I can tell you that. Ok, I just needed to vent for a moment. They've been a trip, but they really haven't been that bad. Except for one kook in Brussels who wants to be friends and see where it leads...? What drugs do they smoke in Brussels? Then there's my friend from Italy who loves my lips and thinks they should be kissed passionately and often. I quite agreed, except I can't help but wonder if maybe he loves my US citizenship more since he is here on a student visa...but even he respects my request for space.

So whats the problem?
ME!
I am realizing that real relationships look nothing like romance novels or television. They are dull, mundane and they take work. Even worse they require risk and continue to require it! See men and women communicate differently which creates huge opportunities for misunderstandings, hurt feelings and vulnerable egos to be injured. No one wants that, but if you want a good, honest relationship it is absolutely necessary. Loving someone means literally falling back into their arms and hoping, trusting, praying they will be there to catch you. That's also the definition of sheer h-ll for someone like me. I want a stone clad contract that when I put myself out there, risk looking weak, foolish and giving up control that the one I do this for assures me they will love me back. There in lies the problem. There is no guarantee, I mean you can hedge your bets and hint around it, and maybe your intended will give you some clue, but other times you could be swinging out there on your own.
I'm seeing that baggage thing in a whole new light. He says something, and is speaking from past experience, worried that you might be the same. Meanwhile you hear what he's saying as a judgement against you and become convinced that he's just like the rest, wanting you to be something you're not. Do you take the risk and open up the conversation for clarification or walk away in fear that he might reject your overtures for communication. Do you even take the risk of hoping it might eventually become something when it could end at any moment on a whim. Today at the gym, I saw a guy looking into the pool area at me. The pool is visible from the front desk where you check in, but from out there you can't tell a person's size. Ok, not sure if I'd shared this before or not, but typically my brotha's don't approach me. If I speak they get this deer caught in the headlights look, like I might kidnap them or something. I've never been sure if its the dark brown complexion (which non-black men seem to love), or my size (which black men seem to love as long as its wrapped in white skin and looks like its lost outside a trailer park)...or the 1000 watt smile (which most men like period). Whatever it is, its a deal breaker for most black men. So when I see this man looking, I turn the other way, because I don't want him thinking I want him, when he probably doesn't want me or won't when he gets a good look. Bout 10 mins, here he comes to the pool. I am finishing up my stretches after walking and swimming. As he gets to a lane our eyes meet, sure enough for a split second I see the fear. It was like the icing on this week's cake of relationship nonsense. I stopped stretching, turned immediately to get out of the pool, walked the opposite way so that I would not even have to go past him, and went to the sauna pool. I got in with my back to his position. Then an attractive white man came out of the dry sauna. I like nice calves, and he had them. I did a double take when he was not looking. He turned around came to the sauna pool and smiled as he got in. I flashed all 1,000 watts. Target acquired, locked in and fire! He sits down, despite there being 3 other people in the pool proceeds to talk directly to me. I smile respond and look at the brother as if to say, "What do you think of those apples?". He has been looking at this and gets out of the pool (hmm not a very strong swimmer) much like I did and leaves the pool area. Most people hit the steam room, dry heat or the sauna pool, he did none of those. It hit me that maybe he was being respectful and did not want me to think he saw me as a piece of meat, and was just looking like a deer cause he was looking when I looked up. Maybe he specifically came to the pool to check me out, after all he had just gotten to the gym, and typically swimming is done after weights. My baggage had caused me to make an assumption and I responded accordingly.I shut him down, before he could shut me down...
With all this crap going into trying to get a heterosexual relationship going, who can blame a girl for looking at her lesbian friend and their community and wondering hmmm? Well to be honest, I've asked myself several times if that's why at 46 (in a week) I'm still single. Could I be in the closet and not know it? If its so difficult to get a relationship going, what's up? When you consider how much time most females spend with their best friends and other females, the thought of being lovers is appealing. Ok close your mouth and let me explain. Why do you think the song "Friend and Lovers" was such a big hit?

What would you say if I told you
I've always wanted to hold you?
I don't know what we're afraid of
Nothing would change if we made love

'cause I'll be your friend
And I'll be your lover
Well, I know in our hearts we agree
We don't have to be one or the other

Everyone wants a relationship where their lover is their best friend...who understands you better, who makes you laugh the most, and who do you trust to have your back when everyone else is against you? Your best friend. On top of that, same sex relationships, presumably dodge some of the communication issues that plague the rest of us...that's my presumption. Best friends argue and say hurtful things, but the tendency is to forgive quicker and let go of it quicker. Ok the female body is beautiful, and frankly even I get a little warm watching tasteful soft female porn... With that being said that's about as far as I could go with that line of thinking. As Meatloaf has so poetically said, "I would do anything for love...but I won't do that!" The conversation my lesbian friend and I had that I alluded to was that I loved "steak" way too much to settle for "tofu", and I could not think of any reason in life why I would be "cleaning carpet" for anyone... Unless we are talking about a Bicycle, nothing Bi-curious here. At which point she explained the different types of lesbians and said I would need someone who did not want to be treated as a female. If you need further explanation, go make some lesbian friends and expand your mind. Anywho, that wasn't anymore appealing to me than carpet cleaning so I've pretty much determined, that like Fran in the Nanny, "I'm not a lesbian, just pathetic". She was hit on by a lesbian who, assumed she was one because Fran was 35 and still single, and that was her response. Ok so that's not an option. What about Philadelphia? Read some of my very early post. I have a friend who we opted to be friends rather than pursue something else. One of the issues was that I am focused on having a long term relationship which hopefully leads to marriage, and he is enjoying his freedom. Some how we developed this analogy and code terms, that I wanted to go to NY and he liked hanging out in Phlly. He felt strongly that after the surgery I would find myself in Philly, enjoy it and want to hang out there. In light of the recent developments, I revisited this idea of hanging out in Philly. That sounded VERY appealing. Meet guys, have fun, never get very deep with them, meet more guys, enjoy the thrill of superficial relationships, never having to risk hurt and rejection, especially since I would be firmly protected by the walls of Philly, and I would not have to stick around when things got messy with feelings, as a controlling person I would hold the strings, I could say when things were over, I could pull back at anytime and simply say "I told you I liked living in Philly, you can start for NY if you wish, but it will be without me." The Philly thing was sounding reallllllly good, but then I thought about it. I am scared as heck my car might not make it to NY, I've never been to NY and don't have a clue what to expect. I've heard it can be downright vicious in NY. Despite this and other perils associated with going to NY, that's where I really want to be. I want to be committed to someone who knows me some, and is crazy enough to want to stick around and learn more, I want to walk into a room and hear him tell the same story over and over again, and roll my eyes as if I'll die if I hear it again, but inside my heart sighs in appreciation for the predictable. I want to have to leave the house for a drive because if not, I'm gonna say something I'll regret, knowing that as I slam the door and walk out, I'm coming back cause there's no one else I'd rather fight for our relationship with. I want to laugh with my friends about the latest dumb thing he did, i want to call my best friend so that she can talk me into staying when I say the thrill has gone. I want to look at him as old as dirt and still see the man I fell in love with.
I guess to get there you have to kiss a few toads, slay a dragon or two, climb a tower, kill a wicked witch, chop up a wolf, and then be real clear that at the end of the day its all in a days work, not the end of the story, and happily ever after happens sometimes and then other days the you know what hits the fan. I am crazy enough to think its worth it so I'm leaving the L-word and Philly to those who can appreciate them. Me...I'm N.Y bound.