love and desire

So I find myself wondering which is better and do they ever come together. What you asked are you talking about? Love and/ or desire. I've been loved and I've been desired, but I can't recall them being together in equal amounts. Love takes care of you, listens and shares with you. Its who you call when your day has gone bad and you want to be nurtured, fed and held. Desire is what makes you feel wanted and alive. It will leave you feeling not too old, just as good as the next woman, maybe even better. You call desire when you just want to forget the day and get lost in the moment. Desire will listen for an appropriate amount of time and then its distracted by you neck, your lips, the beauty it finds in you. Love looks into your eye, rubs your necks, listens to the words coming from your lips and assures you of the beauty inside. Not sure who has more feeling or who's more likely to stick around, love and desire each have their issues.
So if you have to choose between the two which do you choose? How do you pick? How do you get it in the same jar? Can you get one and cultivate the other? I don't know. I just know being human, I miss one when I have the other. In the months to come I've been told I will have options I've never known. I think its probably a good idea for me to have some idea of what I will and will not accept. What I do and don't want. I want them both and every thing else I can get in a relationship! Hmm guess I'll have to prioritize them and go from there, or maybe I can convince both of them to go home with me....

Evil Clothes

Saturday I'm sitting in a wash bowl seat at the hair salon. My stylist and I are discussing my upcoming surgery. He looks at me and ask, are you ever self-conscious about your weight? He quickly adds, cause you seem to have a Mo'nique attitude. I am taken back that I seem to have it together like that,smile and say thank you. He came back to my chair and lays me back. Washing a woman's hair is, I think, one of the most erotic things you can do with your clothes on. So as he massages my head, I willingly open a piece of my soul to him. I tell him every woman has issues with their weight. He pauses laughs and agrees whole heartedly. I then share that in the past 7 months I've struggled like never before with my weight issues.
It all started with those evil clothes. It may come as a surprise, but my biggest fear of my fat came this year. I've been "desparate", I've been disgusted, I've been at my wits end and willing to sell my very soul to be skinny, but this year was the first time I was ever afraid of my fat and felt that it was more in control of my life than me. Joint pain,the threat of circulartory issues loomed big and I heard about the first case of someone here in my town that died depressed and very morbidly obese. She had child(ren)and I rationalized at least she had been loved by someone. I began to see the possiblity of love in my own life slipping away, except the weirdos who get off on 800lb women unable to leave their beds. Yep they exist. I am always amazed by what makes a person tick, and therefore will talk to anyone about anything at least once. Yes there are men who love them big, but I no more want a man who loves me only for my fat than a rich person wants to be loved only for their money. I was afraid that my fat would attract strange love and deflect real love. I think this fear came from getting close to the last sizes offered in normal stores. I had just a few more jumps before i would be out of Avenue. That just would not be cool. My evil clothes turned against me. They have always supported me, made me look good, come in colors and styles that were flattering. But now they were too tight, too short, unwilling to cover my growing belly and those that were suppose to be short no longer made my fat legs look sexy. Lets not even talk about shoes. Yep the evil clothes got together and did me in. It was more than my psyche could handle, and it was them or me. So I mounted a massive coup, connected with a Liz Claiborne dress (God bless Liz!), got a new job and now the clothes are going down! The unforgiven winter clothes will be the first to go. Then I'll circle back around and attack from the back. By early next year spring and summer colors won't know what hit them. That's right Im taking back control!

Michael Jackson and out living the family legacy

I can remember arguing over who was in love with whom. My older cousin loved Tito and planned to marry him. I wanted Michael, but being less assertive I ended up with Marlon. Little did we know what those kids were going through. When Latoya came out with stories people accused her of making it up, but I said no one with a family like that has to make up bizarre stories. What struck me tonight was the fact that Michael got stunted somewhere in adolescences and didn't have the encouragement to continue to grow. He struggled somewhere between the innocence of childhood and the realities of manhood. This post didn't start with the death of the king of pop. I've been actually turning this one over in my mind all week long, and had come to some conclusions.

He's not alone in getting stunted. People tend to think of "stunted growth" in physical terms, however there are lots of people walking around with a 12 year old mentality in one or more areas of their lives. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to realize your wife or husband is 12 years old in his/her handling of finances? The theory is that people sometimes stop at the age of a trauma. I think people stop growing whenever the opportunity to grow ends. For example a pregnant teen may stop some developments at that age. I also think some people start to grow again but others struggle in frustration, unwilling or unable to accept their responsibilties and feeling picked on by everyone. The move from adolescence to adulthood is a tough journey. My good friend's daughter had her first boyfriend at 13. I had more difficulty with it than my friend. Her premise was and is that she wants her daughter to experience these growing up moments while she is still open to talking with her parents and willing to allow their input. Phone calls and other contacts were joked about as two girlfriends would talk about it. This made it easier for mom and daughter to have honest open conversation. Critical thinking components were worked into it without a big deal. Unfortunately many of us didn't have that experience. I remember sitting on the back side of my parents bed with their door closed calling a boy in secret. I remember my cycle starting inconsistently, and being on a Girl Scout Trip out of town when it came on again. I had no clue what to ask for or what to do with it. I only knew name brands and not what the items were. I thought tampon sounded so much nicer than Kotex. So when the mom in our room showed up with a stick, I looked in shock and wondered what the heck that was for. I remember starting junior high with the geekiest clothes possible. I had no clue that this was a new time in my life or how adolescent girls are as cruel as a hungry bear after hibernation. I had lots of questions, some I didn't even know I had and no clue how to get them answered. I spent much of my time reading books, Seventeen Magazine, Teen and the occasional Cosmo my sister left around. I spent a summer with my pregnant sister and learned much of what I knew about sex thanks to an impressive collection my brother-n-law had of Playboy, Penthouse, and erotic books. Then my other sister slipped me a copy of the Joy of Sex. They allowed me access to all of this with the intent of me not being as ignorant as them when I went out into the world. Funny with all of their 70's wisdom and resistance to being their mom, they did the exact same thing as their mom. She came home one day with brochures on development and sex. Gave them to me and like everthing else I read it. Hmmm, thats like putting coffee in the coffee pot without a filter. You end up with hot water and coffee mixed in the coffee decanter but its not really coffee. I had all this knowledge, no one to talk me through what the lines are that adolescence might have allowed me to try out. No discussions on my body so when my college roommate jokingly made a derogative comment about my heavy cycles I internalized and still hear that statement in my mind at least once a month. There were no discussions on how to communicate with a boy, how to flirt, how to negotiate dates and no advise on taking chancing and rolling with the punches. I had the fear of becoming pregnant or catching something, and I knew the risk of ending up in a bad relationship like my mom. So rather than grow I opted to keep boys at arms length and stunt my own growth. I mentioned the importance of a father in a previous post and I'm going there again. I don't think I'm the only one in the family who didn't completely develop. I think all the females stopped growing. Lets start with my mom first. In the movie Joy Luck Club, one character was so hurt by her husbands actions that she kills her child. She spent many years carrying the guilt of that murder. She had been a very young bride and didn't know how to fight back. My mom was the same. On her way to becoming a nurse, but opted for marrying my father instead when HE TOLD HER that she was pregnant. She stopped having babies, even though he wanted more, once she realized he was drinking and seeing other women. She hints at doing other destructive things. She carries the guilt of whatever her "sins" may be. We've had more than one discussion on trying to know for sure if you are forgiven of your sins. Her dad died young, and she didn't find the support and love of her man to continue the process. In an era where your husband's life defined yours, she fought to keep a life, but never dared to fully take the one she had. She allowed it to be defined in what she helped others to become.
My sisters and I each slowed at a different developmental stage and I think it had to do with when we each became disillusioned with the first love in our lives, our father. Their journeys are there own and I will not disclose it here. For me, it stopped at about nine or 10. I realized getting promises met were a hit or miss proposition. I knew it was a sure bet he would be drunk on the weekends and possibly some weekdays. I learned to expect nothing from him, to want nothing from him except to prayerfully be left alone. All those interactions that should have occurred between a daughter and her father didn't happen. No chance to see myself fully accepted and adored in his eyes...so I didn't know what it looked like or that it was possible until I saw it in a man's eyes almost 20 years later. I didn't know what it was like to accomplish something and see the pride of a man in love...until I saw it in a man's eyes last year. I didn't know what it was like for a man to clearly sacrifice his own personal comfort for the woman in his life...I've seen what that looks like for other's, so I know it exist. Its heartbreaking when you sit down and think about how much you have to learn on the run when there is no father or strong male figure to lay that ground work. I was hungry in ways I didn't know, and I know I'm not alone. Steve Harvey's book would not be such a huge success if daddys had only done their job. Yes, I'm reading a new book, "Think like a man, Act like a woman". He gives so many examples of what a woman should expect and says they are the things that fathers passed on to sons and did for their wives and daughters. Well somewhere along the way alot of us didn't get it and we have no expectations, no standards. We are often judged as silly women, easy women, angry women, cold women, frigid women and so on. The label depends on where we stopped in our developement, but how can you be judged for something you don't even know you should know. If I have never had cake, only seen it, heard about how good it is, then I make my first cake BUT the recipe I have is missing a key ingredient, and my cake looks like cake and I've put all the trimmings I see for cake around it, I will not recognize the bland taste of my cake because I have no reference point for good cake.
Somedays I feel as though I'm in the chess game of my life, some days its a dance, some days its an epic battle fought to the death and other days its the stuff love songs are made of. I crawl in my bed and wonder how much more is there to learn about me and the world around me that I should have known years ago.
What a madhouse Michael Jackson's life must have been. To be treated like, worshipped as, and looked at like a god, but to be missing the very basics of what he needed to be a full man in command of his home, business, and family. To only be able to play at being an adult. One of my all time favorite books is "Manchild in the Promise Land" by Claude Brown. In my opinion it is a Black classic. He writes about his experiences of growing up in Harlem in the 40's and 50's. He had a violent and rough time of it, but he talks about his mom telling him to be good, but having no reference for what good was. So he would sit on the stoop of their brownstone hoping this was being good. It never lasted long and he eventually got into trouble. Michael Jackson, Claude Brown, me and lots of others struggle every day with trying to "be good" and we only play at it without a clear understanding of what it means. I think if honoring Michael's legacy is a person's desire then they might want to consider finding those adolescent spots in their lives and finding out how they an grow up or deciding to ensure that the loved ones in their lives have what they need to become the mature people they can be.

Developing a vaccine

I read quite a bit and I watch lots of movies. If you've read a couple of my post, you have come to realize that, but thats a head's up if you haven't. One of the funniest scenes of a movie is in "The Witches of Eastwick". Apparently the devil (Jack Nicholson) visits a quaint small town where everyone knows everyone and things are good, except there are three beautiful lonely women (Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer, Susan Sarandon)who, while sitting around one night describe the perfect man. Being the deceiver, the devil shows up exactly as that man. Well as all men learn women are far beyond the very definition of complex. The three women learn the tricks of the trade (spells and such), and turn the tide on the devil. You have to see it to appreciate the Hades, the devil is put through to reach the point of the the scene I am speaking of. So the devil is at his wits end, having been blown into the vestibule of the town church. He turns around to a building full of parishners who of course have heard bits and pieces of goings on in his big house on the hill. They stare at him in astonishment and he begins a soliloquy about women. He ask the group who looks and listens in silent shock, "I want to ask you something. You all go to church. Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S'matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women... a mistake... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?"
Jack Nicholson adds great physical comedy to it. He then goes on to say, "If it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine. Build up our immune systems. Get a little exercise. Twenty push-ups a day...and you never have to be afflicted with women, ever again!"
I posted that to get this point. Wouldn't it be nice if we could decipher which things we HAVE to go through and the things that we can just let pass. You know you find yourself headed into something and you stop, pull out your Blackberry or Smartphone, google or bing the situation. It tells you that this particular situation will earn you, your famous sense of humor and you decide to continue. Next time it tells you this situation is why you will have a twitch in your left eye the rest of your life. I don't know about you, but I'd pass up that deal. As the devil above suggest how about a vaccine or hazard sign for stupid things. For example your friend has no man, you tell her about the one you know, and next thing you know...well a hazard sign would have certainly helped. You pass a slow moving granny on the road and that's when a cop comes out of no where...imagine being immune to those guys! I can think of so many situations where a little heads up would save days, weeks, months and in some cases years of, "DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?" Yeah Daryl I wanna know the same thing.

Being honest with yourself

I read "He's just not that into you", and loved the book. Pulled it out this morning and read a few pieces. Greg Brehrendt, one of the co-authors says this: There are lots of reasons a man might not want to take a friendship to the "next level." It really doesnt matter what they are or if they make any sense to you. The bottom line is that when he imagines being with you more intimately (and trust me, we do think about these things), he pauses and then says to himself, "Nah." Dont spend any more time thinking about it, other than saying to yourself, "His loss."
Re-reading that was like being kicked in the stomach, cause the words sounded so much like something I heard recently. I debated blogging this, but it is my blog and this is about my journey. The funny, the sad, the happy, the not so happy. Its what's going on in my life.
So what do you do when you realize you are a placeholder filling a need for pseudo intimacy until he finds "the one"? Do you settle cause its sorta fun and risk eating your frustation, hurt and disappointment or do you take care of you and walk?
Again, I get why overeating is such a complex issue and why surgery is only half the battle. If I were an alcoholic with this going on, oh I'd have finished off a bottle or two of something and think about going to a meeting next week. I know I proudly claimed I would embrace the feelings, but "f" that. I would really like to skip this and go on to something a bit more sunny. Oh well, things could be worse. At least now I can blame it on the weight. Yeah thats it, he would have wanted to risk ruining a "good friendship" if I were skinny. Don't know what I'll say when this happens after the weightloss. I'd like to believe it won't happen and that everything will be magical, however I have skinny single friends...hmmm. Maybe the chemistry just wasn't there, you got me. For every woman that finds herself here I think that's the most difficult thing. What exactly is it? What missing ingredient would make a man opt for one type of woman as oppose to another? What makes a man not be satisfied with one woman, but want more than one? Women find themselves asking that all the time. After the questions, some stay, some go, some go eventually coming back. I don't know the answer, do you? For the person in my life who emails me about these post this should get me an interesting one. I have one commentor on line and wonder if there'll be a comment on this one or just silence...

Living with feelings

I'm a big Carol Burnette fan. I loved her as Eunice, cause her family was more dysfunctional than mine and she couldn't seem to escape her family either. Anywho, my favorite is one where Eunice is trying to display her singing ability. She belts out the chorus to "Feelings" like an injured moose.
Sometimes thats what its like experiencing feelings that are foreign or disarming. But I get why its so important to feel them. They let you know you are alive and that you are actually a part of life. The good, the bad and the ugly. In the past 24 hours had them all. Gotta tell yah I see why folks with Bi-polar get so wiped out.
Like Enuice's horrendous bellowing of "Feelings" feelings can assault your delicate sensibilities, leaving you wondering if its not better to put the wall up and prevent such attacks. In the past I would have said, "Hell yeah! Let me help you with those bricks". I am one of the queens of protect the family jewels (your heart). Those of us with weight issues have a tendency to do that, falling back on food as the safest lover, friend, family member. However, living without living and always looking over your shoulder to anticipate when someone is going to hurt you is not living at all. You are limiting yourself and those around you. There are people all around you who want to be there for you. Someone who wants to love you like you need to be loved (whether you admit it or not). And, you have something that someone else needs in their life.
We are so attached to our electronic devices because they are another brick in the wall. The person at the other end of a text, fax, email, i.m., phone call is not as real, not as alive and easier to reject, to not take seriously.
Well I've decided that I'll take the feelings good, bad and ugly. I chose life. I chose to love, life, cry in real time. Its one less thing that I will run to food for. As I have said before I make the rules. Each time I experience a feeling I will embrace it, welcome it and grow from it. I may not like the taste of it, but I think I will like the look of it on me better than the look of another candy bar, fast food option or other feeling killing food.

Staying til the end

So I've finished "When Food is Love", and Geneen Roth ends it with the most wonderful thing. She ends it with commitment. Committing to the process, committing to life, committing to love. She writes, " When Love is love, there is nothing standing between you and your breaking heart." She gives a list of things you have to learn about intimacy and I would sum it up with live in the moment. Ok, I'm about to leap and commit to the process. See, I went on a short day trip with a male friend. In the shower that morning I decided to be in the moment as much as possible. To feel, to do and to think in that moment. To not analyze everything. To not think how the moment could be better. To not be thinking of what that moment might mean to the rest of my life. To not try and affect how he feels about me. To accept myself with all the imperfections and trust the process. Well I have to admit that it was really difficult to give up that much control, and lots of times I fell off the wagon. However, I managed to stay on the ride enough to get to the end. I was able to honestly say that I enjoyed the day. I had no expectations and no agenda. I am trying to do that with the entire relationship. I struggle with needing to define what we are, how its suppose to go, what its suppose to look like, how he's suppose to act and how I'm suppose to respond. I really want to put things on a schedule. I try to decipher his feelings, if he has feelings for me and if they are increasing or decreasing. One thing off the authors list is "Be willing to be vulnerable.
When you have had the rug pulled out from under you so many times as a kid and you've seen first hand what a thoughtless man can do to a woman, being vulnerable is the last thing you want to do. However, one more thing she says is "Don't let fear stop you from leaping into the unknown..." Boy is he ever the unknown. He's enjoying his freedom, enjoying a new found sense of confidence, and he's not about to be fenced in. I on the other hand, would like to settle into a relationship. I've assessed or commonalities, and our differences and determined that its workable. (that's the control talking). In the meantime, when I'm in the moment with him, he's funny, open, sensitive, kind and amazingly thoughtful. In the moment I see that just like me, he is human and fallible. I know that I'm not the only one and its scary to think he is still channel surfing till he finds a "program" he really wants to watch and stick with. Yet I still look forward to the next opportunity to be with him and he pompously ask, "Haven't you had enough of me". My pride and control issues won't allow me to say no, so I give him some smart answer or none at all. I then wonder am I completely giving up "my power" and "my control". Since "my power and control" are illusions I fortify myself with, who can say? I don't know, I can only hope that for both of us this is not a game, but a dance. Not necessarily the most gracefully choreographed dance, but nevertheless a dance. I will trust the process, acknowledging the risk to be hurt, and yet dancing anyway. When it has concluded, the music changes and if I am the one leaving the dance floor, I will leave the dance floor knowing that I put my all into the dance. I will know that I was honest with him and more importantly honest with myself, and that I stayed until the song ended.

Decision making for me

Lately I haven't felt like blogging. Well, it wasn't that I didn't feel like blogging, it was more that I didn't feel like sharing. There is a show, "Monk", and the main character has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). In one episode the garbage men in his city are on strike and his normally super keen powers of observation are rendered almost nonexistent due to the stench. Ever feel like your decision making powers are almost rendered nonexistent due to those around you and your own overwhelming emotions? Thats where I've been. Every now and again, I do the turtle, pulling my head in till things clear up. I don't always say thats what I'm doing, but its a mental exercise I do when I feel I've been compromised.

I respect and have acquaintainces who are very different than me, but my inner circle are people who in some ways are similar to me. This is great when shopping, eating, deciding on movies, taking joint vacations etc. However when you start making serious decisions all bets are off and frankly that can be quite disconcerting. This weight loss surgery thing has been a b-tch. Friends, family and even strangers have an opinion and they want to share it. Think I'm kidding? Just walk into a candystore and tell the person behind the counter that you are planning to have the surgery and she will tell you about her friend, she will tell you she's excited for you!!! I promise you she will, she did it for me. Tell your boss and she will ask you are you sure you want to do this? She will ask as though you've just told her that you want to move your nose to your belly button. The stranger responses can be easily shrugged off, cause frankly who cares, I don't. The support is nice in a fleeting way, but if what strangers think sticks with you for as long as it takes you to get away from them....check yourself in for a nice long weekend. Now if it happens to be one of those friends that you think you guys are on the same wavelength, it can get crazy real quick. Well for me it can. I value what my friends think because we've shared all sorts of stuff. We know things that we might not even share in confession, at the alter, or anywhere else. So when my friends give an opinion I expect it to be seasoned with generous amounts of thoughts about me and what's best for me. If the outcome is extremely different than my conclusion, I wonder if I'm off or if they have an ulterior. ON the other hand if they make the exact same choice as me or super strongly support me, I wonder whats up and are they blowing sunshine up my butt. So with all that running through my head, I had some interesting responses to my getting a surgery date. I have decided people have to jump on the bandwagon or get left behind. This has been a massive journey for me and I think its only going to get bigger, (while I get smaller : ) I found myself standing there with stuff coming at me from differing viewpoints, and me caring about the people saying things. So I stopped for a while to figure it out.

1. What do I want

2. What am I willing to risk to get it

3. What am I not willing to risk

4. How can I get what I need/want

5. Am I in denial to not listen to friends who fear for my life in surgery

6. Am I in denial to listen to friends who say damn the torporpedoes full speed ahead

7. Is any decision i make my own decision or has the process become so compromised that whatever I decide its a little me, a little the stranger, my doctor, my friends, my neighbors, my families etc.

That's where the turtle comes in handy. You stop putting ideas out and basically close your mind to new input. What more could Aunt Linda possibly have to say that will be helpful? I don't stop talking to people, I just send out signals that say, "no more talky, why is sound still coming out your mouth, and you are talking about this because...." I have found just the right tone and combination of words so that most people will get the message. They get the hint, and the input ceases. I spend several days, exploring what people have said, why they may have said it and what merit does it really hold. After doing this, I try to set their input to the side and look at where I am on this. This time I came up with the folllowing.
- Feel the fear but do it anyway
- Be smart and limit the risk to my healthy. Unless the dr refuses to do the surgery, ask lots of questions about your risk, and what test may need to be done, but do the surgery anyway
- Allow your friends to feel their fear, but don't own it. They have to work it out on their on.
- Be selfish make sure you're getting what you need to have the best chance of long term and permanent success.
So, I know what I'm doing and what I plan to do. For the next three weeks, I'll talk with people but I will not debate why I should or shouldn't have the surgery, because its my body, my journey and unless God says differently, I get to set the rules.

Boldly going...

I have a confession to make. I am scared out of my granny underwear about my upcoming surgery. Back up, I ain't go no granny underwear, ok? Fat don't mean no sense of fashion or sexiness. The point is I have been freaking out and couldn't put words to it. Today I was almost in tears.


It all started when the surgeon's office called me Monday (yesterday) and told me they had some dates open up. I got realllllly excited, because our insurance goes up July 1 and it will increase the cost (mucho cheddar). I have sprinted a marathon to get all my test and evaluations done to get a June surgery date. So, I'm sitting there all giddy waiting to hear the dates. Mind you I'm expecting an end of June time frame. She says I have Wednesday or Saturday open. I sit there in stunned silence and then ask the obvious. "You mean THIS Wednesday or Saturday?" Fast forward 2 phone conversations later and I've cancelled the Saturday time slot I took. I've got work to get in order. I just bought a new bed frame and chairs for my bedroom...ok not new. I am a yard sale junkie, but they're new to me. Anywho, I have family to rally and an out of state supporter who wants to come.

Honestly I needed to prepare me, I just didn't realize it yet. Today was my results consultation and first face to face with my surgeon. Its starting to hit me that this is really going to happen. Then they give me a bag with suggested vitamins, go over my eating post op, and advise me that I'm vitamin D deficient. Next I meet with the Dr. He is quite cute with an obvious gold band on his finger, he is also very calm and soothing, but the words coming out of his mouth get progressively alarming. This is not because he's being abrasive, vulgar or anything like that. He is actually telling me in the most non-threatening way what will happen, and the risk. I've known the risk all along, but they were someone else's risk. Now its hitting me like a ton of bricks, these are risk that could happen to me. I've gained weight since my appointment a month ago. He advises me that I need to remain my current weight or better yet try dropping a pound or two. By then his mouth is moving but I'm still hearing the risk.

I left his office and text one of my supports, who in response fires off several text inferring I SHOULD be scared. She advised me that every since I got my new job, making the surgery possible, she's been reading everything she could get her hands on about the surgery, and that my mom wanted to talk with her (which typically means my mom wants to enlist her support in a counter attack). I just didn't have the energy to go there. Coming from the helping profession doesn't always help me in how I respond in the moment, but it helps me to understand later.

We (my family, friends and most importantly me) are all going someplace we've never gone before, and we are all gone. Unfortunately, like most obese people, I eat as my gift to myself and as a comfort. I feel guilty for this pleasure so I give myself to others. I try to make sure they are comfortable, their feelings are not hurt, they have their needs met, etc. Some reciprocate and others don't. At a time where I need to be selfish, I find others have issues that need to be addressed and I just don't have the energy to assuage their fears and mine too. I certainly can't swallow them like I would normally do. The friend above has actually congratulated me for becoming more outspoken and pursuing what I want. I think it came back to bite us both in the butt. Had this been someone else she was dealing with, I could have diplomatically suggested that maybe she has some underlying fears of loosing someone else who goes to the hospital with plans to return home, but doesn't. I could have said your love and concern is admirable for this friend you care so much for, but did she ask you to do this, and is this what she needs from you now. Perhaps you are giving her what you think she should have now or what you would want. It wasn't another person it was me so I could only send her a terse text, upset that she did not read my mind and give me what I needed.

In the past I felt I had to answer every question, accusation, request, charge and innuendo right then. I've discovered lots of ways to postpone responding, and for the obnoxious people who really don't mean you well and press for an immediate response, I use either a dry or barbed humorous response. I use to feel guilty for verbally smacking them, but I began to realize they really don't mean you well. Considerate people who care about you get the fact that you need time to think it over. I said that to say I was at a lost when I sent the text to my friend and it WAS barbed, but with no humor. I was dealing with my fears of the risk, my fear that if I gained weight, I might not get the surgery. I was really freaked at the idea of not getting the surgery and remaining the person I'm becoming. I can't began to imagine what its like to watch a love one be reduced slowly by an aggressive cancer. It must be even more terrifying to be in the body that's losing the battle. Amusement parks, beach shores, shopping and strolling in NYC, a long walk across a mall parking lot, I saw them and similar activities escaping down the drain as I thought of that.
It hit me, everyday we are faced with choices, and each one holds a certain amount of risk. You've heard that people are more likely to die of a car accident than a plan crash. But still some are terrified of boarding that plane. For a recent trip, my niece withheld from her husband, the fact that they would have to transfer in Chicago. He's not a basket case, but its not pretty.
So I ask myself is my fear of how I live now continuing or getting worse, greater than the fear of the unknown and big changes? Where I will have to make decisions without food. I will plan vacations with food establishments being low on the priority list, I will go horse back riding for the first time. I will make new friends and move on when they don't like me for me (can't blame it on the fat) Will date emotionally available men and eventually marry one...hopefully, after all there are no guarantees in life. As my favorite captain says, "Engage".

I'm going out there into the undiscovered country of my life.

Intimacy

In the Christian community there is a cute phrase that I've heard numerous "pontificaters" use when talking about intimacy. Intimacy means "into me see". Cute right? Its suppose to have just the right amount of deepness for folks that like the "deep things of God". But when I start to think about intimacy, what it means, the lack of it, the pursuit of it and how little of it really exist, I think that a cutesy phrase doesn't do it justice. Some people are terrified to even think someone might really see into them.

I started thinking about this yesterday. After church I went to see "Confessions of a Shopaholic". The reviews for this movie were not good, and 2 hours of stick thin folks wasn't exactly on the top of my agenda, however I wanted to see it. Having had some shopping/credit card issues of my own, I thought it might be fun viewing. A point was made by the main character in the end that I would summarize like this: her shopping addiction prevented her from having a real relationship with a real person. No, I have not ruined the movie for you. Rent it, go see it, or wait until it hits cable, but as chick flicks go its cute. Then quite by accident I went to another movie right after that. This one was a guy movie called "Hangover". I really wanted to do a post right away while "Shopaholic" was still fresh in my mind, but that wasn't the case. I enjoy his company, so, there I am watching this movie about a bachelor party that to quote Bugs Bunny, took that left turn at "Albuquerque" and went seriously but hilariously wrong. By the end some characters are much closer than you would have expected and others not so much. Take your guy to see it he will enjoy it...but be forewarned there's vulgarity, nudity, sexual innuendo, sex, and the after shots are kinda twisted and definitely not for kids. They EARNED their R rating and then some. But I digress.
I can admit to you that I had tears in my eyes close to the end of "Shopaholic". I had already made the connection and felt the familiar fear and pain of being discovered. It is amazing how creative we can be trying to keep people out of areas in our lives we don't want them. We do all sorts of things. We laugh when we want to cry. We tell jokes to keep the silence from overwhelming us. We find things wrong with someone who starts to get too close. We pick a fight rather than peel another layer off the onion that is our lives. We change who we are rather than let the one we love see who we are. We have an affair to scratch an itch we're afraid of sharing, we hide food to be there for us and keep others from knowing we have another lover. We work late into the night so others don't see the lazy person our parents told us we were. We starve ourselves and drop to unhealthy weights rather than talk about the real issues in our relationships. We distance ourselves from friends rather than let them conclude we really are the failure we think we are. Shall I go on? Billy Joel sings a song, "The Stranger" about people discovering the hidden self in their lovers.
I am no expert, I can't even boast of having a healthy loving relationship, but than again lots of "experts" can't boast of that either :). However in my humble opinion, intimacy is not necessarily allowing someone to see you nude and them accepting you. I think intimacy is the journey two people take together trying to let the other see inside. Reaching the goal is a lifetime thing. Along the way, the trust builds and a piece of each falls away. That is why we love a good chick flick like "Shopaholic" or a funny guy movie like "Hangover". We join the journey as we watch characters build relationships, shed pieces until the climatic moment the characters commit fully to the relationship.
Unfortunately, in real life it takes much longer than two hours and there is no great script writer to make sure we say the right then in response to a shed layer. Have you ever been with someone when they disclose something very personal and you haven't got a clue how to respond? You know you've said the wrong thing when they tell you they like that ugly orange blouse, yes the blouse is ugly. Admit it and we will all feel better for thinking how ugly it is. Again, I digress. Need time to go change? Ok, fine keep it on, but at least put your jacket on over it. If your conversation or your relationship takes a turn like we just took about the orange blouse, you either said the wrong thing, made the wrong face OR more likely you've gotten close to getting someone to drop a layer and they're freaking out about it.
So that I will not be the cause of someone remaining in a dead end relationship, thinking he's taking continual detours to avoid intimacy, go read "He's just not that into you."
What's so scary about intimacy? Hmm I can only speak for me. Top of the list is fear of rejection. If you know me will you walk away shaking your head in disgust? Will you stare in shock and just whisper "I had no idea?" Will knowing me be enough for you? Will you sadly say she's just not someone I want to be around? See at the root of this is the fact that I still have days the old recording in my mind says, your dad didn't find anything really impressive about you, he only ask you to come live with him and his lover because he felt sorry for you. He left your mom and felt sorry for leaving you with her, and you look just like her, so whatever was wrong with her or not good enough for him is the same thing that's wrong with you. You better keep men at arms length or find one you can control, otherwise he's gonna see right through you and find nothing worth staying for.
You've probably heard comedians joke about it, co-workers kid about the difference between Black parenting and White parenting. It really is a cultural thing, but I, think that its not an AFRICAN Black cultural thing. I think its a Black American perverted cultural thing. Stick with me for a moment. See my mom would say typical Black things like, "You better stop that crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." She would say, "I don't know why you're so lazy." On a particularly stressful day, "I don't think you think about things before you do it, do you?". Now these things were said in the heat of battle...if you want to call it that. To lots of Blacks raised in America this sounds normal and just a part of parenting, but I've seen Whites look at sideways at Black parents saying similar things out in public to their children. Don't get me wrong and PLEASE don't get it twisted. I worked in family services with abuse, neglect and sex abuse. Unlike the portrayals on TV, some of the most off the wall parents I've ever seen were White affluent people. Knowing them helped me see how slavery occurred. Speaking of slavery, much of what I think you hear coming out of the mouths of Black parents is a throw back to slavery. What person in their right mind trying to raise a healthy, productive and loving child would intentionally destroy their self-esteem? But what are you doing when you tell a child who trust you explicitly that they are dumb, lazy, a flirt, silly, hard headed, no good, so on, and so on? Only someone needing to undermine, belittle, demean and maybe even dehumanize someone would do that. To cause pain to someone and then deny them the right to cry out in pain is inhumane. It is the act of someone needing to distance them self from what they are doing and to make the person they are doing it to less of a person. Sound familiar? Again don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for no corporal punishment. I happen to be just crazy enough to believe you must have a severe penalty for all other options to be more appealing and enforceable. I do however, believe it should be a very last resort. I also believe your kids are not as cute to others as you seem to think they are...think orange blouse. Your friends have wanted to tell you for years how out of control your kids are. They said to use "out of control" cause you would not be able to handle it, if I said your kids are BAD! Yep, B-A-D. Yes your carpet crabs, your cookie crumb snatchers, your ankle biters are like the terrorist of the neighborhood on their on personal little Jihad, trying to bring anarchy to the playground. There are Chinese and Russian gangs that fear your kids. All because you think they're cute and want to seem them express whatever is on their minds. Here's one of my favorite slave owner/ Black parent mentality statements. "They still got milk on their breath, what do they know about a mind and expressing it?"
What has all of that got to do with intimacy right?
Well for lots of Blacks, not only do you have the usual junk to overcome, you also have this twisted brand of parenting to deal with, and forget about it if you had a dysfunction like alcoholism or physical abuse going on. Then you grew up watching a television that never reflected your reality. You went to a school where very few in leadership looked like you. From time to time you ran into classmates who verbalized what society was silently saying, "you're black and black is not good enough." I know I threw everything but the kitchen sink in there. For some of us, we joke, don't cry, refuse to dwell on things. We think its strength...and it is sort of. Its also the prison we often lock ourselves in. Coming from behind the wall would mean looking at what we are protecting ourselves from. We have learned there's no use in crying over spilled milk. But that's also a form of protection. You hear it in terms of slavery, "why do we have to talk about it, its over. Why do they always want to be the victim, bringing up slavery?" As with any wound, you have to clean it out before it can heal. Lots of times if you had a break and the bone was not healed properly they will break it again, set it so that it heals properly." I try to think of things that hinder like a bone that was not set the first time and needs to be broken and re-set. Its painful and I really would like to keep limping along, but I'm learning that once true healing happens its like dropping a ton weight (forgive the pun). Intimacy has sooo many hindrances its a wonder that it happens at all, but when it does, oh my gosh those moments are beautiful. Trust me, you are who you are, but if who you are has kinks, badly healed bones, and you know your relationships are not what they could be, get it fixed. If you feel as though no one knows who you really are, chances are, you've backed out of taking the journey with at least one someone. I am on the journey now and I am hoping that along the way I'll shed physical weight, some emotional weight and a layer here and there that hides who I am. And, I hope someone will decide they want to travel along to see what's uncovered.

APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The journey now begins in earnest, I have been approved for bariatric surgery. I walked around for about an hour feeling like my whole life was about to change and apparently it is. Changing jobs, and before that ending a relationship were not all done in vain! I kept think I am finally turning the corner. Then as if it were a sign, I got a test on Facebook that quizzed you on whether or not you were over your ex. See I did that break up and make up thing and he was so certain I would comeback again. Time was irrelevant to him. Long story, and not what this post is about. Anywho took the test and the test said, I'm sooo over him. This is a really good day for me. It gets better. The ex sees me online contacts me and wants to discuss why would I not comeback and did I not miss us, again long story and not what the post is about. Basically I laid out what I needed, which he was simply not capable of providing. Out of no where he acknowledged this, said he understood, and guessed that he was surprised by me deciding this and actually leaving the relationship. Fat Women of the world unite! If he is not giving you what you need and its clear he will never be in a place to do it, GET YOUR BIG BOOTY outta there. Cause like my ex he's counting on you settling for less than you deserve. I'm not saying guys evil or that he doesn't care about you in his own twisted way. I'm saying he's getting what he needs from the relationship (nurturing, love, support, housing, 3 meals a day, sex, a mother for his kids, the list goes on and on) what about you? Getting that insurance approval was very empowering, but I must admit, having a man say (and I'm paraphrasing), "yea, you deserve more but I thought you'd be too afraid to lose this pretend relationship to actually go look for a real one." Is it just me or are, I'm every woman, I am woman, and Independent Woman all playing at one time? Wow.
He knows you deserve more, your friends know you deserve more, what's it gonna take for you to realize that you deserve more, and I'm not just talking about your man. I'm talking about your friends who take advantage of you, your family that's always running to you but can't be counted on for a glass of water when you need it, your dead end job, your adult child who refuses to take ownership for her mess and so on. My mom always says, "the show will go on, one monkey don't stop the show. If a monkey dies, they toss him out the back, stick another monkey up there and no one ever knows the difference!" The drama's that some people call a life will continue with our without you. Don't kid yourself, they may hit a hard patch for a minute or you might miss them and their drama for a moment, but life will go on. They will find another sucker and keep living.
Take care of you and find people who will appreciate what you have to give. They will take what you offer and make something of it. I'm taking the laughter, the love, the strength, the commitment, joy, pleasure and everything else with me to find someone who can embrace it all with the proper "reverence" of the woman that I am. How about you?

Blessed

Just finished a pre-procedure meeting at the hospital. I am going to be the lucky recipient of an endoscopy and a colonoscopy! Hurray! Its a necessary evil to be cleared for surgery. I have been told by a nurse that she is impressed with the hoops I've had to jump through for my surgeon to get approved. His name is Paul Enochs. He and his staff at Bariatric Surgery are wonderful. Everyone that they have referred me to has been gracious, kind and fat friendly. I cannot say that for everyone. For fear of a suit I will not call the name but I went to a gynecologist and I think she would have locked me in her basement until I was at a normal weight and just might have tried bleaching me white. OMG she was rude, cold and after all that, she gave me incomplete information!
So, today they were assessing how I would handle the anesthesia based on health issues. They have a whole panel of things they ask about your heart, your bones, your head, your mental health. The majority of the questions I was able to answer no to, and its apparent they were surprised that I did not have other health issues. I am thankful for that and pray that surgery will prevent or postpone other illness and issues.

Arm chair quarterbacks and Monday morning coaches

Alex Trebek says it all the time, "Its much more difficult than its seems". I can call answers all day long sitting in the comfort of my home. But I don't know how I would do with cameras, lights, and the pressure of money and bragging rights all on the line. Sports enthusiast should be able to identify with that. I've also been known to fuss at the TV when a player ran to his left when there was a huge hole to his right. Most of us have enough sense to understand that we see things from a totally different point. I think the "business" of politics in our country is so off because folks on the far left and far right could both use a a good dose of "walk a mile in my shoes". People have polarized themselves so deeply into their own camps that they haven't smelled untainted air in years.


The mini-series Roots was a huge hit when it debuted because for the first time, since "Uncle Tom's Cabin", America got a gut check about slavery. It put a human face on it again. By the way for its time Uncle Tom's Cabin is profound...for its time. I'm reading it right now and I've decided not to call a particular Supreme Court Justice Uncle Tom unless I discover that there is another character this name is based on. The one in this book made a controversial choice, but not something that would earn the sell out connotation attached to the insult we now hurl. BUT, I digress.


Walking a mile in someone else's shoes or putting a human face on something is common. I think it should be done more in terms of physical things. The experiment done by the teacher who discriminated in her class to teach about racism and discrimination, is still discussed and debated for the long lasting effects on those kids. Recently a woman donned a fat suit and half way through her experiment she broke down and cried. I often hear life is tough all over and I can't argue with that. However I do submit that If you have average health, average looks and average intelligents you start out on a fairly level field.


If you have ever used the words "all you have to do is..." in a conversation where you are telling someone stuck in a situation how you think they can get out of the situation, I would like for you to go back to that moment to check where you were coming from with your advise.


If it was about a flat tire, how to decrease the amount of salt in a recipe, buying a car at the best price, getting from Timbukktu to Kalamazoo then your advice was probably not only appreciated but needed.


Well I am here to speak for those that want me to speak for them. "If you have had less than 25 lbs to lose at one time, your last ten pounds struggle does not qualify you to get into our conversation or our business. I am also here to forewarn all you arm chair Fat advisors and Monday morning personal trainers we are going to start tell you to mind your damn business. Okay I am. Unlike my flat tire or my salty recipe this is not a quick or even a simple fix, but in your mind it is. "Just pull back from the table, just get out and exercise, just cut back on your bread, just go blow it out your a-s.


I know those of you who are really dug into your self-righteous stance need to believe you can tell someone how to do something you have no clue about. Its okay, you are just exuding your God given right to be pompous, and it would be cool if it stopped there. But part of being self-righteous is that you don't often live and let live. You insist on expressing your OPINION. You can't say it once or say it as simply your opinion. Oh no, it has to be said often, with attitude and accompanied with either snide side comments or other informative statements that slight your intended victim. When you aren't talking you're giving disapproving looks.



It takes one to know one and I know you really well. I just saw you in my mirror. Its funny how life does that to you from time to time. Like the gypsy proverb/"May you get everything you want". I hope that you will truly get to know yourself.

I have an acquaintance who lives in victim mode 24/7 and strikes back at anyone who tries to help her out of that place. I don't know maybe some people have been damaged so badly from such an early age that being a victor scares them more than what holds them victim. I often wonder would the Biblical "woman with the issue of blood" run a campaign to stop people from calling her that. My name is Ofira! Sorry that was a rabbit trail for me.

So this acquaintance is a big girl like me and until recently she was bigger than me. She has been restricted in her movements for several years, suffers from weight related illnesses, has difficulty retaining permanent employment (which I suspect may be related to some fat bias coupled with her health issues), and men take advantage of her. Not in sexual ways, but they do things that in my book are just as sleazy. Borrow money, borrow rides, get their intimacy fix by texting her, calling her, flirting just enough to stroke their egos, but not enough for her to take them to court for breech of promise. It irritates me to no end to see her being taken advantage of by an employer, a man or a friend and it grieves me to see this person who use to be so vibrant to be trapped by all this excess weight. So who can blame the self-righteous gene in me when it rears its ugly head to give her suggestions about food she's buying, tell her how she can get in more exercise, invite her to work out with me, and join with other friends in double teaming her to make a real effort to lose weight?

Lets go back to that walking a mile in someone's shoes. Lets just put ourselves in my friends shoes. If you are 200 lbs and under the first thing we've got to do is find you a 100 lb bag of flour and distribute it around your body, attaching 30-40% of it to your stomach area. That's going to instantly put a strain on your back, your heart and constrict the amount of room your other organs have. The constricting is because fat deposits are all over your body even inside your chest cavity, making it harder for your lungs and diaphragm to expand and move. Your knees, ankles and feet hurt from altering their movement to assist your back and hips to feel some what better carrying the extra weight. Muscles all over tighten up to help your skeletal system support the weight. Your heart pumps extra hard to provide blood and oxygen to those over worked muscles. Shall I go on. We haven't even began to move, oh yeah, but you want old lard ass to exercise don't you? You start walking, now if its Spring or Fall, you probably have a sinus issues. Obesity increases your chance of having sinus issues. So now your squeezed lungs have even more to contend with. I won't even get into issues you have with finding good shoes, and affordable exercise clothing. Don't get me wrong, walking is the the absolute best way to start exercising, except walking in a pool (takes the pressure off your joints). However, most self righteous people are okay with a plus size person just walking, they come up with all sorts of stupid (said with a heavy English accent sounds more like "shtewpid") forms of torture, because we want to see them lose it quickly, so we can take pride in what we got them to do. "Put some weights on your ankles" (can cause injury and worst water retention), "walk and run to increase calorie burning" (can cause tremendous joint damage), "take the stairs" (that's fine as long as you don't already have joint damage, the pressure in each step going down does more damage, and up can cause a strain on a heart that's not ready for it). I'm not saying it can't be done, just that for lots of folks it's just not a good idea.
The next time you decide to give your two cents to a person and its really not a quick fix situation stop ask yourself, "do I really get what this person is dealing with, and could I sustain what I'm telling this person to do for an extended amount of time, realistically?" If you can't answer it or your answer is no, shut up, offer your support in the way that person can use it AND you are willing to give, or keep walking.

The race that wasn't a race

Last night I was showering in the gym and realized i was humming sha na na na, goodbye. For a fleeting moment I considered the current situation in my life but quickly dismissed it. Have you ever competed against someone that compared to you they were like the Tiger Woods of that particular sport? It was like no competition, but for a hot second you convinced yourself you had a chance. My gut tells me thats what I've been doing. The funny thing is that I don't even think there was someone I was competing against. I think I was challenging an idea or a state of mind. Recently I shared with someone that I dated a guy who was living a dual lifestyle. I thought I was fighting for his love, and the "opponent" was another woman and....possibly a guy. Yeah, dumb I know. Anyway, I kept thinking he's gonna see what a great person I am. He already says I'm beautiful, he talks marriage all the time. I just need to get him to understand I'm the one he needs. Oh life would be perfect if he could just get that through his head. He'll appreciate me and all I do for him soon. Guess what happened. He got his ex pregnant! Didn't see that coming did you? Well apparently the other shoe dropped on her watch, and life sounds like it has been H-E-double hockey sticks for her.
When I sit back and look at that in the rear view mirror. I can see that he wasn't offering himself to either of us nor the guy, (he got hurt in the process too.) He was caught up in his own stuff with nothing to give. I thought I could love, support and help him out of his stuff. I couldn't and it didn't give me a one up on the female or the male. It just made me a bit player in the drama that was his life. I don't know what he would have told someone else, but he told me, I want you. I want a life with you. Even after the pregnancy the phone calls would come every so often and he actually uttered the epic words, "I know I can't ask you to wait until the baby is 18." WTF?! Can you imagine waiting 18 years for someone only to still not get them, but it sounds romantic as hell though doesn't it?
My gut tells me that's what's happening now. Here's my problem: I haven't got a clue what's normal, when my judgement is being clouded by my fear of commitment, how to step outside my fear of being hurt and take the risk to express what's going on with me and when I need to just take my toys and go home.
This is part one of this post. I'm just venting or getting all the cards out on the table...well not all. I need to hold some until I can sort them out and then I'll put them on the table along with my answers.

Ending my political career

Mary J Blige says it best: "I'm tired of screaming independent. I wanna start depending on you."
From her song "Feel like a Woman".
Didn't know I had a political career? I don't, but I'm about to end it. I have honestly tried to live and let live, but my own baggage makes it difficult to do so tonight. This is not the focal point of this post, but I feel confident it would be the headline that killed my political career. MJB said it first. A girl needs a father in her life. An emotionally healthy father is a daughter's first lover. I watch my friend's daughter interact with her father. She is the apple of his eye, he would move heaven and earth for her. She knows this and does things that would otherwise be met with harsh words or maybe even a smack, but he's like a the whiny version of a grouchy bear who half heartily growls stop. Any discerning ear knows there is no sincerity, and just to be clear he backtracks by explaining why he asked her to stop and it sounds like an apology. She flutters around him and teases him with promises of her attention. She ask him questions as though he is the wise old oracle that knows all. She seeks his help and protection for little things. His words protest these interactions, but he loves every moment of it and you can tell he does not relish the thought that in a few short years she will either begin a life of her own or worse turn this attention and affection on another. I have said it to her mother and I will tell anyone that I am beyond envious of her daughter. I have no clue what its like to truly have the love of my father. I don't have a natural awareness of how it feels to put your trust in a man who understands that your well being is a part of his existence. So what? might be your response. Well I propose that there are lots of things that we do or are not able to do because of this hole in our lives. Well let me speak for me. Church has always been a struggle for me. I enjoy it love cooperate worship and really good teaching. BUT just like any other man, I get only so close to God. He is after all a man. I know blasphemy. I didn't mean it that way, I'm saying His gender is male and I'm not with that group that would like to remove gender or switch the gender. I watch Star Trek for my fantasy needs. It was years before I made the association about my distrust of God meeting his promises. How can I really grasp the love of God when I have no reference? I think its why religion is so appealing to women and why there are so many involved. First of all, you have a man who promises unconditional love and acceptance, secondly more than likely you have a man in the flesh who many actually call their dad in some form or another (spiritual father, pastor father, etc). This is especially true in the African American Church, almost to the point that women are pimped. I don't mean sexually I mean as a resource. Entire churches are often ran on the energy, time and finances of its women members. I've been to churches where the pastor, maybe his son and 2 or 3 elderly deacons were it for the male population. Even in some large churches with larger male numbers, the church history reflects a humble beginning with a pastor, one or two other men and several women. Offices now held by men were once the domain of women who worked tirelessly for the praise and acknowledgement of a few "father figures". Its okay if you negate this by saying this reflects my issues and baggage. I've been there and done that. Cool beans. Peace be with you.

I'm not condemning any group, just saying it bears looking at. Some churches and lots of rigid religions go so far as to mandate certain things that literally relegate women to servants and almost the property of their church and husband. Sorry that's another blog another day...

Anywho, we were talking about how this father issue affects me. Flirting escaped me for years. I thought flirting would let a guy know how much I liked him and I wasn't about to let my shield down enough for that. The first love in my life had been a huge disappointment and I would not be hurt like that again. I needed to be in control at all times. I had no clue what "they" liked to talk about, how "they thought, what "they" wanted. Only last year at the ripe young age of 44 did I realize that a man was not an enemy force to be overcome. He is actually a human being with flaws like all us gals. I never voiced that, but it was how I related to men. I still do it some times. I hear it coming out before I can stop it, "you people think differently". I would say that to this guy and he would say, "(my name), we think just fine or we feel just fine." One day when I was having my own little emotional break down he let me have it and I realized how much of a protective wall (mentally) I had built around the idea that these creatures called men were vastly different than women. No, I don't go in for that "whatever you can do I can do." I still say if my big butt was in a burning building I don't want to look out the window and see a female coming up the ladder. I want to see a man who passed the physical exam with flying colors and bench presses something close to my weight.

See I told yah, its the end of my political career. The right nor the left will want me after this one. Anywho, I started this post because of something I've said in the past and I'll say it again. Men like to be needed. My friends daughter has learned this lesson well. She makes her dad feel needed and she plays up to him. She's still learning so sometimes she takes it over the top, but he quickly forgives her and things go on, and more importantly she gets what she either needs or wants from him. I learned quickly as a child to need a man or depend on him set you up for disappointment and hurt. It made you vulnerable. By the time I got my first car, I could clean it like a guy. People who know me now are reading with their mouths open. That's right, I would wash, wax, vacuum, clean the inside and amour all the inside and out. Rims and tires sparkled! Had a guy teach me how to change oil. Actually learned but never did it again, how to change my brakes. If I ran out of gas, I knew how to get gas back in the carburetor. I don't need no stinking man was my rebel cry. For this reason, now I vacillate between being distant and needy. A boyfriend once told me that my body would tell him "you're touching me", without me verbally saying a word. I am trying to learn that subtle difference between needy and allowing myself to need him. I think PDAs make me look like I'm throwing myself on him. I shouldn't but I envy women who have had to learn the art of "working" a man. Women who, more than likely learned in childhood from the female in their life that men are a source of safety, power, money etc. I envy a woman who by her subtle charms is able to allow a man to feel needed and appreciated not for the fact that he is her man, but for what he brings to the table. I still find myself being the independent woman that Beyonce' and Kelly Clarkson sing about, who makes her own money and her own way. I watch like the kid outside a candy store as men climb the tower to rescue the women inside who demonstrate their need. Funny though, I realize I'm actually in the highest and most impenetrable tower of all. A tower that's been designed by me to look like a grand estate with a state of the art security system and neatly trimmed bushes for extra protection. I think the tower of fat surrounding my body will be easier to tear down then the estate tower, and I wonder if long after the fat is gone will I still be my nieces' and nephews' spinster aunt responding to their wedding, baby shower and house warming invitations as "1 guest" attending.