I have a confession to make. I am scared out of my granny underwear about my upcoming surgery. Back up, I ain't go no granny underwear, ok? Fat don't mean no sense of fashion or sexiness. The point is I have been freaking out and couldn't put words to it. Today I was almost in tears.
It all started when the surgeon's office called me Monday (yesterday) and told me they had some dates open up. I got realllllly excited, because our insurance goes up July 1 and it will increase the cost (mucho cheddar). I have sprinted a marathon to get all my test and evaluations done to get a June surgery date. So, I'm sitting there all giddy waiting to hear the dates. Mind you I'm expecting an end of June time frame. She says I have Wednesday or Saturday open. I sit there in stunned silence and then ask the obvious. "You mean THIS Wednesday or Saturday?" Fast forward 2 phone conversations later and I've cancelled the Saturday time slot I took. I've got work to get in order. I just bought a new bed frame and chairs for my bedroom...ok not new. I am a yard sale junkie, but they're new to me. Anywho, I have family to rally and an out of state supporter who wants to come.
Honestly I needed to prepare me, I just didn't realize it yet. Today was my results consultation and first face to face with my surgeon. Its starting to hit me that this is really going to happen. Then they give me a bag with suggested vitamins, go over my eating post op, and advise me that I'm vitamin D deficient. Next I meet with the Dr. He is quite cute with an obvious gold band on his finger, he is also very calm and soothing, but the words coming out of his mouth get progressively alarming. This is not because he's being abrasive, vulgar or anything like that. He is actually telling me in the most non-threatening way what will happen, and the risk. I've known the risk all along, but they were someone else's risk. Now its hitting me like a ton of bricks, these are risk that could happen to me. I've gained weight since my appointment a month ago. He advises me that I need to remain my current weight or better yet try dropping a pound or two. By then his mouth is moving but I'm still hearing the risk.
I left his office and text one of my supports, who in response fires off several text inferring I SHOULD be scared. She advised me that every since I got my new job, making the surgery possible, she's been reading everything she could get her hands on about the surgery, and that my mom wanted to talk with her (which typically means my mom wants to enlist her support in a counter attack). I just didn't have the energy to go there. Coming from the helping profession doesn't always help me in how I respond in the moment, but it helps me to understand later.
We (my family, friends and most importantly me) are all going someplace we've never gone before, and we are all gone. Unfortunately, like most obese people, I eat as my gift to myself and as a comfort. I feel guilty for this pleasure so I give myself to others. I try to make sure they are comfortable, their feelings are not hurt, they have their needs met, etc. Some reciprocate and others don't. At a time where I need to be selfish, I find others have issues that need to be addressed and I just don't have the energy to assuage their fears and mine too. I certainly can't swallow them like I would normally do. The friend above has actually congratulated me for becoming more outspoken and pursuing what I want. I think it came back to bite us both in the butt. Had this been someone else she was dealing with, I could have diplomatically suggested that maybe she has some underlying fears of loosing someone else who goes to the hospital with plans to return home, but doesn't. I could have said your love and concern is admirable for this friend you care so much for, but did she ask you to do this, and is this what she needs from you now. Perhaps you are giving her what you think she should have now or what you would want. It wasn't another person it was me so I could only send her a terse text, upset that she did not read my mind and give me what I needed.
In the past I felt I had to answer every question, accusation, request, charge and innuendo right then. I've discovered lots of ways to postpone responding, and for the obnoxious people who really don't mean you well and press for an immediate response, I use either a dry or barbed humorous response. I use to feel guilty for verbally smacking them, but I began to realize they really don't mean you well. Considerate people who care about you get the fact that you need time to think it over. I said that to say I was at a lost when I sent the text to my friend and it WAS barbed, but with no humor. I was dealing with my fears of the risk, my fear that if I gained weight, I might not get the surgery. I was really freaked at the idea of not getting the surgery and remaining the person I'm becoming. I can't began to imagine what its like to watch a love one be reduced slowly by an aggressive cancer. It must be even more terrifying to be in the body that's losing the battle. Amusement parks, beach shores, shopping and strolling in NYC, a long walk across a mall parking lot, I saw them and similar activities escaping down the drain as I thought of that.
It hit me, everyday we are faced with choices, and each one holds a certain amount of risk. You've heard that people are more likely to die of a car accident than a plan crash. But still some are terrified of boarding that plane. For a recent trip, my niece withheld from her husband, the fact that they would have to transfer in Chicago. He's not a basket case, but its not pretty.
So I ask myself is my fear of how I live now continuing or getting worse, greater than the fear of the unknown and big changes? Where I will have to make decisions without food. I will plan vacations with food establishments being low on the priority list, I will go horse back riding for the first time. I will make new friends and move on when they don't like me for me (can't blame it on the fat) Will date emotionally available men and eventually marry one...hopefully, after all there are no guarantees in life. As my favorite captain says, "Engage".
I'm going out there into the undiscovered country of my life.
You know, no matter how thick or thin, big or small, you have to be comfortable in the skin you're in. Having this surgery is a personal choice, and not everyone is going to agree with it. But, more importantly, I think you have to decide if you're willing to do the work that will be necessary to make your inside match your new outside. Food is rarely the true issue. Oftentimes,it's some other underlying issue. Hurt happens, whether you are big or small. More than the issue of the surgery, I think you have to realize that while the weight will disappear rapidly, the hurt and pains that you have tried to dull with the sweetness of sugar or wash away with coke (my foods of choice) will still be there. Definitely go ahead and have the sugery if you feel that is what is best for you. Do it quickly if it's going to make a tremendous amount of differece in the price. One of the beauties of growing older is that you don't have to ask anybody's permission to do or be. But, do realize that this is not necessarily the easy way out. I've seen this work for people, and I've also seen it not work for people. The point is that you have to be willing to make the even more difficult journey to find peace with who you are no matter how much or little you weigh. Afterall, food is just food. It is a necessary thing to nourish life, but not necessarily the thing that a well nourished life is dependent on. Good luck! May your angels safely surround you on this journey.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Alnita