Its about what you worth

I am the entertainer,
The idol of my age.
I make all kinds of money,
When I go on the stage.
Ah, you've seen me in the papers,
I've been in the magazines.
But if I go cold,
I won't get sold.
I'll get put in the back
In the discount rack,
Like another can of beans.

I am the entertainer,
And I know just where I stand:
Another serenader,
And another long-haired band.
Today I am your champion.
I may have won your hearts.
But I know the game,
You will forget my name,
And I won't be here
In another year,
If I don't stay on the charts.
That's from "The Entertainer" by Billy Joel. I think lots of times we think and treat ourselves like this song. We think if we don't keep doing for others, (most of the time that translates to men) we will decrease in value and be put on the discount rack. What many of us, ok this is my stuff so I'll own it. What I've done most of my life is do, and do and do and do, give and give and give, hoping that my value will be seen and appreciated. Back to that family stuff. Recently my brother has been sick. He has for the most part given us, his birth family his a** to kiss. He hasn't been mean about it, and he has lots of adoring fans, but when your father dies, it typically means the son steps up, ensuring to the welfare of his female family members. Well that's never been a strong suit for him. Its flipped in our family. He comes to us for things. Its a weird arrangement, but I finally got today. He treats my mother like the can peas on the discount rack, and she gushes and does even more for him and his family. In their eyes we have minimal value. He has always placed great value on light complexioned women including his wife. We are not light complexioned. Yet, my mother continues to woo him, celebrating any crumbs he throws her way. And that's where I got it from. Unlearning it has been a b*tch. I'm stilling struggling with it. But here's the deal in a nutshell, if I truly believe I have worth and value, why wouldn't I demand that full price be paid for me? Why wouldn't I demand to be treated as a thing of value. I don't mean gold digging. I mean basic common courtesy. I treat you with respect, you do the same. I make time for you, you do the same. I date you exclusively, you do the same. You make request of me and expect me to comply, I get the same in return. I am open with you, you are open with me. Why is that so hard for women to require. For me it has been that I thought men would see what I did and assign appropriate value. Unfortunately, I was advised that you have to help them appreciate and value you. I know, you probably missed that class too. It was given by fathers who had time to be involved and understood they had daughters to prepare for the world. It was demonstrated by mothers who had good self-worth or understood basic economics. You don't flood the market with anything, cause the value will plummet. You release a little bit at the time and sometimes you completely pull the product from the market. Remember Cabbage Patch dolls and Elmo? People went crazy for those items and they were selling for outrageous prices when they were in low supply, but high demand. As my favorite philosopher says:

I know how to show a little somethin, somethin
You can't see what's under there
Cause I'm a grown woman
I'm so sexy
Remain a mystery
Cause everybody always want what they can't see
And what they can't have
And what they can't grab
And what they can't buy
From "Grown Woman", Mary J, of course! That's the way it works in love too. Your momma or grandma was right. Give away everything and he won't value you. Don't get me wrong, you may get him, you may land him and you may keep him, but how will he treat and KEEP you? Will he treat you like a baseball cap he got on the Avenue in a knock off store or will he treat you like a certified authentic baseball cap he purchased in a high end sports memorabilia store? You know how he tosses that Ave, cap on the floor when he's pissed, but not the real deal. He always remembers to put it on the dresser. He creases it before he puts it on and checks it again when its on, and gives it a special smile. So its really up to me or you how we will be treated. Now here's the kicker. Sometimes it means being left in the store. I'm in negotiations right now, its day been a full day and so far I'm still on the rack. I got picked up, looked at and then he had the nerve to try and tell me what I was gonna sell for! So the manager put him out the store. He was bewildered, because its obviously his normal way to shop, and honestly it was my normal way to sell. I would have lost my shirt a long time ago if this were really a store, cause I've been selling myself short. Don't misunderstand me. This is not a negotiation for sex. This is a negotiation for how he will treat and keep me. Sex negotiations are at least 90 days down the road...at a minimum. Its scary as all get out, cause he comes with a lot of the outward attributes I said I want, and I am hoping that he will go down the block consider what he's seen so far, come to the conclusion that its worth the initial asking price. If he doesn't, he wasn't going to value me no matter how long I gave him or WHAT I gave him. But its tough to think that I could lower the price and he would stay. So I'll admit I got nervous and I bought a chocolate bar, I got some comfort food...nothing seriously bad, and I went to the gym (there and the shower are my favorite places to think). I resolved that I want the relationship I told you about yesterday and I want to be valued in that relationship, so I decided to move my products to Fifth Avenue where they belong and not allow them to leave the store until someone came along who understood good quality and was willing to get up off the cash for it. AGAIN let me be clear, I don't mean cash literally, I mean how he treats and keeps you. Most of us could have an on going relationship if we would just lower the price enough, but would everyone want Gucci or St John's if they started selling it at the Dollar Store and if they did buy it, it would be the first thing they tossed on the floor when they took it off at night. Now to understand the title of this post, go rent, borrow or buy "The Joy Luck Club". Its a phrase during the conversation about Snicker pie. Have tissue, this movie is a chick flick to its heart, but its quite empowering. Cause truly, "Its about what you worth".

APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The journey now begins in earnest, I have been approved for bariatric surgery. I walked around for about an hour feeling like my whole life was about to change and apparently it is. Changing jobs, and before that ending a relationship were not all done in vain! I kept think I am finally turning the corner. Then as if it were a sign, I got a test on Facebook that quizzed you on whether or not you were over your ex. See I did that break up and make up thing and he was so certain I would comeback again. Time was irrelevant to him. Long story, and not what this post is about. Anywho took the test and the test said, I'm sooo over him. This is a really good day for me. It gets better. The ex sees me online contacts me and wants to discuss why would I not comeback and did I not miss us, again long story and not what the post is about. Basically I laid out what I needed, which he was simply not capable of providing. Out of no where he acknowledged this, said he understood, and guessed that he was surprised by me deciding this and actually leaving the relationship. Fat Women of the world unite! If he is not giving you what you need and its clear he will never be in a place to do it, GET YOUR BIG BOOTY outta there. Cause like my ex he's counting on you settling for less than you deserve. I'm not saying guys evil or that he doesn't care about you in his own twisted way. I'm saying he's getting what he needs from the relationship (nurturing, love, support, housing, 3 meals a day, sex, a mother for his kids, the list goes on and on) what about you? Getting that insurance approval was very empowering, but I must admit, having a man say (and I'm paraphrasing), "yea, you deserve more but I thought you'd be too afraid to lose this pretend relationship to actually go look for a real one." Is it just me or are, I'm every woman, I am woman, and Independent Woman all playing at one time? Wow.
He knows you deserve more, your friends know you deserve more, what's it gonna take for you to realize that you deserve more, and I'm not just talking about your man. I'm talking about your friends who take advantage of you, your family that's always running to you but can't be counted on for a glass of water when you need it, your dead end job, your adult child who refuses to take ownership for her mess and so on. My mom always says, "the show will go on, one monkey don't stop the show. If a monkey dies, they toss him out the back, stick another monkey up there and no one ever knows the difference!" The drama's that some people call a life will continue with our without you. Don't kid yourself, they may hit a hard patch for a minute or you might miss them and their drama for a moment, but life will go on. They will find another sucker and keep living.
Take care of you and find people who will appreciate what you have to give. They will take what you offer and make something of it. I'm taking the laughter, the love, the strength, the commitment, joy, pleasure and everything else with me to find someone who can embrace it all with the proper "reverence" of the woman that I am. How about you?