Last night I was showering in the gym and realized i was humming sha na na na, goodbye. For a fleeting moment I considered the current situation in my life but quickly dismissed it. Have you ever competed against someone that compared to you they were like the Tiger Woods of that particular sport? It was like no competition, but for a hot second you convinced yourself you had a chance. My gut tells me thats what I've been doing. The funny thing is that I don't even think there was someone I was competing against. I think I was challenging an idea or a state of mind. Recently I shared with someone that I dated a guy who was living a dual lifestyle. I thought I was fighting for his love, and the "opponent" was another woman and....possibly a guy. Yeah, dumb I know. Anyway, I kept thinking he's gonna see what a great person I am. He already says I'm beautiful, he talks marriage all the time. I just need to get him to understand I'm the one he needs. Oh life would be perfect if he could just get that through his head. He'll appreciate me and all I do for him soon. Guess what happened. He got his ex pregnant! Didn't see that coming did you? Well apparently the other shoe dropped on her watch, and life sounds like it has been H-E-double hockey sticks for her.
When I sit back and look at that in the rear view mirror. I can see that he wasn't offering himself to either of us nor the guy, (he got hurt in the process too.) He was caught up in his own stuff with nothing to give. I thought I could love, support and help him out of his stuff. I couldn't and it didn't give me a one up on the female or the male. It just made me a bit player in the drama that was his life. I don't know what he would have told someone else, but he told me, I want you. I want a life with you. Even after the pregnancy the phone calls would come every so often and he actually uttered the epic words, "I know I can't ask you to wait until the baby is 18." WTF?! Can you imagine waiting 18 years for someone only to still not get them, but it sounds romantic as hell though doesn't it?
My gut tells me that's what's happening now. Here's my problem: I haven't got a clue what's normal, when my judgement is being clouded by my fear of commitment, how to step outside my fear of being hurt and take the risk to express what's going on with me and when I need to just take my toys and go home.
This is part one of this post. I'm just venting or getting all the cards out on the table...well not all. I need to hold some until I can sort them out and then I'll put them on the table along with my answers.
I can understand what your saying here.
ReplyDeleteIt's bad enough with you, me, and she. But, you, me, she, and he, girl that's dangerous. Big don't make you worthless. As a matter of fact, I think that's why I've read most of your posts and commented on them. I remember the feeling of inadequacies. But, you know I think you really have to look at the big picture and figure out what you are bringing to the table. I am currently in a situation where I believe it's the right person at the wrong time. The problem comes in him going through a divorce. There are so many things that he's vowing he will never do for another woman, that in the end he's going to end up missing out. And, it sounds like that has been the case for you too. You know I was talking with Lynette Woodard, the firt female Harlem Globetrotter, once and she said that she doesn't want what's good for her, she wants what's perfect for her. I love salsa dancing and there were these two really good dancers where I took classes at. They were good, but not good for me. Our bodies moved differently and we bumped awkwardly as we tried to make our rhythms come together. I always hated when I had to dance with them because they didn't help me soar like the other dancers in the class. We were all great dancers, but we didn't all move as well together. You deserve no less than that you would want for your most prized friend. I think you keep running into the same type of guy over and over. There are some men out there that love big women. As a matter of fact,there is a guy that I met that said had he not gotten to know me first, he normally would not have been attracted to me because I'm not big enough. Go figure, right.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important for you to find people that embrace you no matter how big or small you are. That's the key. Not necessarily a big girl or small girl lover, but a slim dreams and growing pains lover.