Decision making for me

Lately I haven't felt like blogging. Well, it wasn't that I didn't feel like blogging, it was more that I didn't feel like sharing. There is a show, "Monk", and the main character has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). In one episode the garbage men in his city are on strike and his normally super keen powers of observation are rendered almost nonexistent due to the stench. Ever feel like your decision making powers are almost rendered nonexistent due to those around you and your own overwhelming emotions? Thats where I've been. Every now and again, I do the turtle, pulling my head in till things clear up. I don't always say thats what I'm doing, but its a mental exercise I do when I feel I've been compromised.

I respect and have acquaintainces who are very different than me, but my inner circle are people who in some ways are similar to me. This is great when shopping, eating, deciding on movies, taking joint vacations etc. However when you start making serious decisions all bets are off and frankly that can be quite disconcerting. This weight loss surgery thing has been a b-tch. Friends, family and even strangers have an opinion and they want to share it. Think I'm kidding? Just walk into a candystore and tell the person behind the counter that you are planning to have the surgery and she will tell you about her friend, she will tell you she's excited for you!!! I promise you she will, she did it for me. Tell your boss and she will ask you are you sure you want to do this? She will ask as though you've just told her that you want to move your nose to your belly button. The stranger responses can be easily shrugged off, cause frankly who cares, I don't. The support is nice in a fleeting way, but if what strangers think sticks with you for as long as it takes you to get away from them....check yourself in for a nice long weekend. Now if it happens to be one of those friends that you think you guys are on the same wavelength, it can get crazy real quick. Well for me it can. I value what my friends think because we've shared all sorts of stuff. We know things that we might not even share in confession, at the alter, or anywhere else. So when my friends give an opinion I expect it to be seasoned with generous amounts of thoughts about me and what's best for me. If the outcome is extremely different than my conclusion, I wonder if I'm off or if they have an ulterior. ON the other hand if they make the exact same choice as me or super strongly support me, I wonder whats up and are they blowing sunshine up my butt. So with all that running through my head, I had some interesting responses to my getting a surgery date. I have decided people have to jump on the bandwagon or get left behind. This has been a massive journey for me and I think its only going to get bigger, (while I get smaller : ) I found myself standing there with stuff coming at me from differing viewpoints, and me caring about the people saying things. So I stopped for a while to figure it out.

1. What do I want

2. What am I willing to risk to get it

3. What am I not willing to risk

4. How can I get what I need/want

5. Am I in denial to not listen to friends who fear for my life in surgery

6. Am I in denial to listen to friends who say damn the torporpedoes full speed ahead

7. Is any decision i make my own decision or has the process become so compromised that whatever I decide its a little me, a little the stranger, my doctor, my friends, my neighbors, my families etc.

That's where the turtle comes in handy. You stop putting ideas out and basically close your mind to new input. What more could Aunt Linda possibly have to say that will be helpful? I don't stop talking to people, I just send out signals that say, "no more talky, why is sound still coming out your mouth, and you are talking about this because...." I have found just the right tone and combination of words so that most people will get the message. They get the hint, and the input ceases. I spend several days, exploring what people have said, why they may have said it and what merit does it really hold. After doing this, I try to set their input to the side and look at where I am on this. This time I came up with the folllowing.
- Feel the fear but do it anyway
- Be smart and limit the risk to my healthy. Unless the dr refuses to do the surgery, ask lots of questions about your risk, and what test may need to be done, but do the surgery anyway
- Allow your friends to feel their fear, but don't own it. They have to work it out on their on.
- Be selfish make sure you're getting what you need to have the best chance of long term and permanent success.
So, I know what I'm doing and what I plan to do. For the next three weeks, I'll talk with people but I will not debate why I should or shouldn't have the surgery, because its my body, my journey and unless God says differently, I get to set the rules.