Insecurity, how does it start, when does it start and why does it start? Hmm, so if you're reading this post, scroll down and read my last post and the comment after it. The comment actually hit on something I've been bouncing around in my mind...well kinda sorta. There is a mention of letting down the mental wall. Its good advice and true. Why do people install alarms, change locks, put in security cameras, buy guns etc? Same reason we put up emotional walls to protect what we value from getting injured or defamed or mistreated. This week my niece and her husband had their mailbox vandalized and the neighbor's trash thrown in their yard. They had taken down their security cameras so they have no idea who did it. The cameras are going back up this week. If you've ever opened your heart only to have it end badly, you know how my niece's probably feeling and thinking right now. "What made me take the camera's down, this probably wouldn't have happened if the camera was still up."
I wasn't thinking this week so much about the emotional wall. I was thinking about failure and what's next. I shared with my cousin last week that I wondered if I would be the first person to not lose weight? I mean after all I have been big all my life or at least as long as I can remember. As the week went on, and I thought on it, my humble opinion is, I think its more like what if it does work. What then? I've read that fat is a way to not deal with other things, success, intimacy,unresolved anger and so on. I guess that's true because I find myself fearing not being successful, being successful, finding love, not finding love. Its a whole new wall I didn't expect. I always prided myself on being a free spirit and nonconformist. This has all thrown me for a loop, to discover that I have such deeply held hang ups. AND that I, the free spirit have been so "weighed down" by these issues. I think I need a trip out to Walden's Pond.
Anywho, it would appear that my journey is not only about the weight loss, but the stuff it uncovers in me along the way and how I deal with that too.
So let's go with identity first. I am the baby of my family, I am one of the three girls, and apparently I am currently "the big one". I am the only big child my mom has. Neither of my sisters have ever been larger than a size 10. Most of their lives they were 5,6,7 max 9. My eldest sister who has aging issues...not my story to tell, is struggling with middle age lbs. Its not bulge lbs just means you might want to reconsider hip hugger jeans or the spandex you wore 10 years ago. She and I were talking about the surgery and she advised me she had to work on her weight, because "I realized my sister is going to loose weight and then I'll be the big one." Its one thing to know that someone thinks a certain way, but its different to hear it come from their lips. Wow, I had to stop and think, then I reassured her that she didn't have to worry about getting that title. I have no intentions of becoming bone thin. I think I'd like to be a little on the thick side. She was surprisingly pleased and supportive of this. It almost made me want to get bone thin just so she would have to deal with her own issues. Again, not my story or my issues. So I'm going to deal with unbeing. As I drop weight i will stop being what some folks have relegated me to, "THE BIG ONE", not the youngest one, not the shortest one, not the one who went to college, etc. I like to think of it as unbeing, kind of like erasing the board and starting the equation over. Some people will want to keep me "the big one", while others will change who they are to fit the new me and yet others will scramble to redefine me. I think I will seek to be a true resident of Walden's Pond and simply "unbe". I will unbe the person behind the walls, unbe the big one, and unbe the person scared of the unknown trying to control every moment. Bring on door # 3, I can deal with a year's supply of broccoli or the new car. They each have a place and use in my life.
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