Getting a life again

I was reviewing my most recent blogs and I just need to tell you that I kept thinking, "you just need to get a life". If that's been your thoughts, your prayers have been answered. I did have a life...no seriously. My friends think I am a very exciting person. I think as I got closer to the surgery, I circled the wagons. I had individual and group activities going on. I read several post and asked, if this was a friend what would I tell her. I'd tell her "girl' get on with life. If it happens it happens and when it happens it happens. I feel as though I've been acting like a hamster continually running on a wheel that goes no where in particular.
How did I get here right? I mean what made me put the brakes on the whining about being scared and is someone really out there, blah blah blah,? Well I am not a pity party person and I'm not a depressed person. I can't stay down for long. I may hurt for a while, but I get up dust myself off and move on. Its a combination of Mary J Blige "You can't keep a good woman down" and Rhianna's "When a good girl goes bad"... by the way "she's gone forever".
So it started to fall into place last night. First I was told I would be happy, I deserve to be happy. I was told I am a sexy woman and then offered options that let me know I am desired and wanted. Ok so I considered the options, "don't judge me", i didn't accept the offer. Seriously there is something empowering to know that you are desired. Liked and appreciated are one thing, but as a woman being told someone wants you is, well its empowering. So I took a deep breath and started to do some thinking. I don't pay attention to most dreams, but sometimes they stick with me or they have themes that indicate my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I dreamed about a kind, patient, middle eastern man with quiet strength and he was preparing a meal for me. There was lots of chaos going on outside. My old boss was murdering people who knew what he had done and I was afraid I was next, but I felt safe inside with this man. I waited while he explained and cooked for me. That's all I remember of that. Then I dreamed that I was driving along but as I reached a very high bridge I somehow ended up on the outside of the car holding onto a very strong cord that stretched. As the car continued up the bridge, I was hanging on the side of the car and the cord stretched longer. I was not as heavy as I am now. I was actually about the size I hope to be. I struggled to get on the bridge. Eventually I crawled on the bridge and let the cord go. But when I got on the bridge and crossed over I was naked. Ok so here's the deal. The bridge dream has not occurred to my knowledge in over 10 years! It use to be fairly common in my late 20s. That was when I was trying to decide who I was and where I was going. I would dream that my car turned into a Flintstone car, with my feet making it go. I would get stuck on bridges all the time. Back then I figured it out that bridges were transition and my car was me going into transitions,with either doubts, hesitations or difficulty in accepting the transition. So I can only deduct, I'm in a time of great transition cause I don't recall ever hanging from the bridge outside the car! But the good thing is that I held on and I was close to the size I want to be. Being naked is always being vulnerable. That tells me that inside I acknowledge that I'm scared about this whole weight surgery thing and will I be successful, but that somewhere deep down I am prepared to hang in there till I cross over. Go me!!!! Cooking is a nurturing thing and feeling safe with the man tells me this is what I'm looking for. Like my earlier post said, I'm looking for a safe place for my heart. I deserve to be happy and I will be, but in the meantime I've got to cross the bridge and make my journey. I just love my subconscious and God. They always clarify things for me eventually.

So, lets see what post I can come up with while getting a life again. Trust me, I get into some really funny adventures and if I cross that with trying to be more vulnerable AND dealing with beginning to eat again, it should be interesting.
With the surgery, you graduate from clear liquids, to full liquids, to pureed, to soft foods (where i am now yeah!) and then more foods to experiment with and then more. Its so funny because at each level, I've jumped for joy about things I took for granted before. SCRAMBLED EGGS!!!! or SUGAR FREE PUDDING!!!!!! or worse, BABY FOOD!!! sad but hilariously true. I am totally amazed at the small amounts of food I eat. I am embarrassed to even compare before and after. I was so smug when I watched the shows about people consuming so much, but whether its super high amounts or just more than your body requires its still gluttony I guess. Oh well let the games begin...I'm going out to start living again!