Everyone has an idea of what life will be like for me sans the weight. Funny thing is it all seems to be centered around looks, my social life, and my prowess as a woman. Its funny cause its like the fat girl stereotype in reverse. Fat girls stay home, don't have men attracted to them and have no fun. On the other hand, skinny girls care only about manipulating men, going out every night, so on and so on. Its getting to be a bit insulting, I just wonder at what exact weight will I stop caring about who people are inside, and decide to take men for every penny their worth. Maybe its like a dress size. One day I'm a size 10 and then I wake up a size 9 and "poof!" a black book appears at my bedside. I start in alphabetical order calling poor saps who open their wallets for women size 9 and smaller.
I remember telling someone that I was excited about doing some things I had stopped doing because of weight. Funny but hoochism, skankism and just good ole fashion gold diggerism never entered the conversation. I listed things like white water rafting, roller coasters and walking in big cities.
I know that things will change, people will change and I'm told that I will change, but I just gotta believe that core me will keep it real. Real me looks beyond who people are on the outside and their window dressings, I connect with who they are inside. I value that and I expect to do that then. I can't imagine discarding someone I care about just because my "stock" has risen in the eyes of others.
I don't think I could enjoy an attractive jerk. I don't enjoy them now, yes I know some find it hard to believe a fat girl would turn down ANY dates, but I have. Some things are simply not worth the bonus points for being seen with the attractive jerk. So let me say it again for me, so that it will possibly stick with the cells that remain after the weight loss. Real me looks deeply, cares deeply and that won't change with the dropping of weight or dress sizes.
Sometimes life etches you in places you can't even see. Enjoy the flow and if by chance you find yourself moving in that direction, remind yourself of this moment. Yes, you are who you are. Jerks are jerks and you are beautiful. And, sometimes your wondeful doesn't come in the packaging that you think it will. Girl, you can lose weight, but it's hard to change a pissy attitude. Your prince charming is weighting. Now once you remove the wall of weight that you've built up, you might be surprised to find out that he's always been right there, but couldn't get past not so much the physical wall of weight that you wrapped yourself in, but the mental wall that you so completely shrouded yourself in to keep out the hurt. Unfortunately, people forget, that same wall also keeps out the love and happy.
ReplyDeleteHope you've enjoyed the post since this one. It should be obvious, I took your point to heart. Thanks, you helped me rediscover some lost parts of me!
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