It's starting to rain again.
Everything's gone now.
Even the sun.
It's starting to rain again.
Don't go away.
What have I done?
I've been high and I've been low.
I've been wealthy and I've been poor.
I don't know much.
But one thing I know, this ain't no fun.
Sometimes I wish that I could stand here and fade away.
(Sometimes)
So that no one could see the tears running down my face.
(Sometimes)
Oh, invisibility would be great.
If you are surprised that I quote a Mary J Blige song, you are obviously reading this blog for the first time. She spoke in our area and one of the things she said is that her songs are from her experience, but also her friends, and their friends, female of course. I was talking with a friend the other evening and we talked on men for almost an hour. She has some wild stuff going on in her life, but the man thing we got. Its interesting, no matter where we are in our lives, when women talk about the men in their lives, they connect on some cosmic level. I guess that's why so many women feel Mary J speaks to their lives. I think that's why the Venus/Mars books were so popular. Men get men and women get women, but getting each other...wow.
Why is it that people who get paid to communicate, people who can sale a camel water, people who explain intricate functions of software, people who inspire kids to want to learn calculus, people who lead others into battle, people who answer hundreds of phone calls a day, etc can't communicate with the ones they love, the ones they want to love, the ones they use to love, the ones the could love and the ones who love them?
The song above is called Fade Away, and basically the speaker in the song is lamenting how she struggles with getting it right and some days it would just be easier to fade away. Ever been there? I've noticed something about myself, I have a tendency to explain things in the object. For example if I'm trying to explain why I hate mushrooms...which I don't, but for the sake of the example, this is how it would sound. "Why do I hate mushrooms? Well I hate mushrooms, because you can't put them on your car for decorations and when you try to write on them it just gets messy." This may not be a clear example, but note I stopped using "I" and said you. Sometimes that's a way of distancing yourself from what you're feeling, and not owning it. Its one of the reasons I like this song. She's owning her "crap". I mean we screw stuff up royally and then we want to walk away or try and take the back door to come in again.
Some people would rather die than say I'm sorry. Some folks would rather have their eyes glued shut than say I care for you more than you know. Vulnerability is vulnerability. Its an opportunity to be shut down, and for that reason normally communicative folks suddenly become babbling, silent, stuttering, wall staring idiots. So there we are letting some of the best things in our lives get away or die because of the pain we fear experiencing. Which is probably why "Fade Away" flows right into my other favorite "What Love Is". The lyrics make it clear love is not for the fool hearted or wimps. "Beautiful, horrible, magical, terrible.
Reason to laugh and smile. Reason to cry yourself to sleep at night. Start a fight. Make up, break up, wrong or right. Heaven for all its worth can equally be hell right here on earth."
Oh yeah experiencing love in any form is a risky business from start to finish and when it gets off track, its a you know what to get back on track...if you can get it back on track. Guess that's why sometimes we throw up our hands and walk away, pretend we didn't want it to begin with, say we don't need it, and all sorts of other...lies that don't make a sleep better at night.
Hiding works for only a while, you have to come out and face it eventually. We feel what we feel. Someone said, "the heart wants what the heart wants". Take it from me if you don't pursue what you want, you will try to fill that desire with something else, and you will drown the disappointment with something else, and the frustration, the pain, the anger and so on. Frankly, I'm trying to be honest cause it taste a lot better than the food I carry on my body right now. Once you've done what you can do, its very much like a football saying I like. You can say you "left it all on the field." When a player puts his all into it and the team still loses, he carries no regrets, no what-ifs, no questions about could he have done differently. Don't let pain and fear make you play less than your A game.
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