yesterday, today, tomorrow

But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
and as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Duran Duran sings "I won't cry for yesterday". Good motto, but I think that without even realizing we cry for yesterday, we just assume its about the moment we are in. Its funny how the scars of yesterday get reopened and hurt just as much when they cross over into today. I love watching Cold Case because the cops always go back, figure out what happened, make things right and bring closure. I didn't realize what the attraction was until tonight. In case you have no clue what Cold Case is, its a detective show about a Philadelphia squad that investigates unsolved murders that are no longer being actively investigated. They put 4 or 5 detectives on one case based on evidence that turns up or at the request of a relative. There's always an interesting story behind the murder. There is someone left with unresolved questions that get answered or taken care of by the detectives. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that for our lives? Wouldn't it be nice if we could ask someone to go back and answer the questions in our lives so we could close the book on certain chapters and walk away whole?
I am eating solids and felt the familiar need to enjoy the food for the sake of making me feel better. I couldn't figure out what exactly what was going on. I thought it was about the current situation. I even whined to a friend while we were out, I just want my body back, I want my energy...blah blah blah. Well lets be honest. I'm trying to lose weight because I didn't have my body or my max energy before right? What else could it be? Hmmm friend was out with another friend jealous...hmmm yeah but don't think its anymore than the normal person would feel. So whats up. It bugged me all night, cause even though there was little food in the plate, I kept going back to nibble on it. I'm use to going all day with one small meal now, so why am I nibbling? Finally watching Cold Case brought it home for me. Again, Cold Case goes back and puts all the pieces together. Some cases involve people who were very young. One of my favorites was the unsolved case of a middle schooler. She was an independent free thinker and a nerd. She was killed by a classmate. In the process of uncovering the killer, the team visited several classmates and each had been served their just desserts, in one way or another. If you were not privy to the one on one interviews with the detectives you would not know this. The one I watched this evening was similar to that. In Cold Case land the world is always left balanced and life is fair in the big picture. The victim always shows up in the last scene to acknowledge the team setting the record straight.
Real life is not that simple. It for damn sure ain't fair. I was fighting a ghost from the past, one that just doesn't seem to ever get its just dessert. I think part of the problem is that unlike Cold Case I didn't get to sit in on the conversations with the Cold Case detectives. Maybe I'd feel like the scales were balanced, if just once it didn't seem like some have skated through life on charms, lies and a real lack of giving a flying shit about others. Ahhh now we hit it...anger. Ever met someone that the world loved, but for whatever reason they gave you their ass to kiss? But it was done in subtle ways so you couldn't say, "did you see that". You just knew when the butt was positioned in front of your face that for whatever reason, it was there to say "kiss my ass". Well got a ghost like that, and waited and waited for the rest of the world to get a clue, never quite seem to happen. No matter what happened the ghost came out smelling like rose. You know the type, its as though every morning the sun rises and sets at their house, bluebirds show up to wake them and nightingales sing them to sleep. Their teeth gleam with a ring when they smile, they always get a parking spot near the door. So on and on. If you think I sound bitter, ding ding ding, you're a winner! Cause you expect folks that get it like that to be nice. Not. I find people like that are more likely to dismiss others because they have such a big pond brimming with other adoring fish to pick from. Yep watched my ghost verbally rip people apart and laugh that infectious laugh about them, smile charmingly in their face and never give a clue they couldn't care squat about them. Now, all this time, each time, I got an indication things had changed i initiated contact only to find my face, getting that same ass kissing message. But of course the world still ate it up. Why do I even care and why am i having this conniption right? Here's the funny part, I discovered recently I have a really sadistic bent towards myself. I just keep coming back for more punishment when people make it clear that they are not there for my best interest. I've been cornered by three friends about this lately, and as I question myself about why this was, I began to see other instances of it in my life. I'm shocked, disgusted and amazed that I did this. Oh yeah and I'm pissed at myself, Ms independent NOT so independent. How do you get yourself back on a level playing field when you were taught so clearly that your needs were not that important? How do you learn be secure in who you are and what you have? How do you get the courage to take care of yourself and not be afraid that you're asking too much of others and that they'll leave you for asking anything at all. I don't know, I'm figuring it out daily. But I'm so thankful for the people in my life who give without me asking, who give when I ask, who just give because they sense I need. I guess when we open ourselves up to receive, we may not have the Cold Case detectives to make things right, but they sort of balance out in little ways along the road. I guess I have to accept that those around me love me for me and even if they never see the slime in those I would like for them to see it in, I can only be honest with me and leave it there. So the next assignment in learning to live is taking care of yourself (myself) and letting the you know what fall where it may. Excuse me while I go do some protecting of myself and drop some friends that weren't my friends to begin with ... oh yeah, and feed the dog some food I don't want or need.