Finally able to get back in the water...yay!! Its very therapeutic for me. I zone out those around me and as water rolls over and by me, I think on things that are pressing me. Well, I wasn't ready to let go of my last post, I felt like there was more to it and as I began to stretch my arms and legs covering the distance of the pool, two things came to mind. A book which use to be required reading "A Separate Piece", and getting free from mental slavery.
So my rant yesterday was about a couple of things but it boils down to this: I have not been treating myself as my best friend and I've been resenting those who do it to an excessive degree. I still remember the letters wanting to know if anyone had heard from the person he thought was the love of his life. I can remember another guy moping around for months. i remember have a midlife crisis at 25 and comparing my love life to that of a person that went through men like underwear. No, I suspect she probably puts undies in the gentle cycle. The guys have moved on, paid off the engagement rings and may even smile with fond memories when her name is mentioned. I on the other hand have carried a spot of anger for them towards her, carried envy for how easily she discarded people on her way to discovering herself with what appeared to be little regard for what others said. Today in the pool somewhere between 3 1/2 feet and 4'6 I realized that for her she was being her best Friend. My definition and and someone Else's of friendship, acquaintances and encounters is different. See in my mental trapped mind friendship meant treating others better than I treated myself and hoping that I would get the same in return. While for some, friendship means "whats in it for me?" And, yet others see it like the song "live and let die."
I think that's why "A Separate Piece" was required reading in High School. The two main characters are leaders in the military school it was set against the back drop of a war...hate to say I can't remember what war. The two end up being roommates. One is gregarious, athletic, with incredible charisma. He manages to pull the other into all sorts of adventures, and all those around them. Bit by bit the second string begins to resent the natural athlete. Things that were an effort for him were natural to the athletic leader. Being young and unable to understand the nature of growing into who you will become, the less athletic one joust a limb during one of their adventures, permanently injuring the friendship and the natural athlete. We all grow into who we are, along the road we do some really crappy stuff and some really good stuff and some really funny stuff and some really stupid stuff. Hopefully we learn and become better people at the end of the process, AND if we are really fortunate we don't seriously hurt others on the way. The character in the book was in his own little world and only after everything was said and done did he get the gravity of what he'd done. Some people never get it, because the hurt they inflict is not visible and they've either learned or been taught that friendships/relationships are for their use and disposal. I have always had a hard time reconciling how people live like that. I think a big a part of it was that I didn't have a clue about being good to myself. So people who would put themselves first above anyone else didn't even register in my mind.
I've been pushing myself cause I want to get back to 100%. I don't think I shared on the blog how my surgeon kept saying how I was doing great for what I had been through and I had made him work. I have always pushed through no matter what. People will tell you I am strong, a pillar, someone you can depend on. Another friend recently told me I have a history of manipulation. She told me to stop trying to manipulate my body. I know this sounds like a tangent, but its related...
Anywho, today I thought about how I've done that with everything in my life. I've made it fit within the perimeters of what's expected. Even when I was doing the unexpected I took the precautions to make my life look like what others expected. I was everyone else's best friend. So my best friend became food. People who walk on others don't have it figured out, however they have a piece of the puzzle. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. I suspect its guess work how and when you do that. It wasn't till after I left the gym and was on my way to pick up some stuff and meet a friend when it hit me, being my best friend and taking care of me means making some extreme moves. As I drove down 40 I told myself we are going to give a f**k less what people think and care more about how I feel about me. I will heal at the pace my body heals. I will not make myself do stuff I'm not ready to. I will say no to people who have put my well being last. I will do things I enjoy. I will be honest but not mean. I will take care of me and be the best BF I ever had. What will you do to take care of you?
A friend of mine once told me:"I'm not going out with anyone who treats me less than I treat myself" wtf... did she mean... she explained it to me, in terms that even I could understand.. your not going to hit yourself, or cuss yourself out, or get mad at yourself for no reason, You would eat at a nice place, run your own bath water, make sure you have something to drink, right... So why would you go out with someone why wouldn't .. would you do that for them... I always say treat other people the way you want to be treated... but there are some ases out there that is only out for them.. as you said, what's in it for me... been with some women like that... funny things is you spend all your time trying to please them, when the only person you have to please is you, you don't have any thing to prove to anyone,but you... There's on person that will judge you(and everyone else) and that's God..So if you surrond yourself with negitive you get negitive.. people are in your life for a reason, the ones that care about you and want to see you succeed in life, care about how people treat you, generally care about youe well being, those people will last a lifetime, aquaintances come and go, those people ..if youcan't see them, well your friends should warn you about them.... watch out, I think a tree fell, ask the popcorn police, they know.... and remember you are sombody(wave) say it loud, I'm black and I'm, wait I'm not black....well you get my meaning...
ReplyDeleteHmmm, yes I think a tree did fall so that some profound things could be said. Boise, you are sooo right and I debated on breaking this out into a post, but got other stuff in mind for today's post. It'll just be an extra long response. See the issue is that lots of us have absolutely no clue how good we can be treated, and birds of a feather flock together so most of the time the friends we have know as much or less than us about it. A male friend and I were discussing the level of our friendship and I shared that I didn't need someone who brought me roses. I wanted the intangibles:good heart, kind, caring, loyal etc. I wasn't saying that I don't want roses. See I had never had a man bring me roses on an on going basis until someone did it, and before that I could not even imagine it. Some people can't imagine moving out of the hood cause its all they've known. Your friend was fortunate in that she knew to expect good treatment. Often men say why do women want a rough neck and women say why do men want a ghetto/or woman with "neck motion". Each denies it, but you see it happen quite often. I think its because people have never experienced better, don't trust better and fear it. Sometimes the drama is confused with passion. Its all about knowing good stuff and appreciating it for being good stuff. When I was in college my department head was a mover and shaker so we (students) were invited to some cool events. One was an evening social at a local private psychiatric hospital. They served cavier. I have not had cavier that good since, but I continue to try it when offered, looking for something similar. Would I have eaten "fish eggs" otherwise...maybe, maybe not. But now I know good is out there and that's what I look for. I heard a minister tell the father's in his congregation to take their daughter's out on dates, compliment them on their beautiful brown frame, and treat them good, so that when some knuckle head came along with a tired line he would not blow her mind. Same principal, if you know good, you know what to expect...nay you know what to demand. That's enough of that, but the other thing is after you know what good is, its imperative that you know you are worthy and deserving of it. Thanks so much for that, snaps and a (wave) to you!
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