Denny Davies: I am so *sick* of being your b*tch. I put up with your sh*t because I know how much *pain* you're in! But it's ENOUGH! It's a tall order for a *patient* motherf*cker, and I am the furthest thing from that that you're ever going to lay eyes on.
No I haven't said those words to anyone, they were delivered with wonderful cadence and controlled emotion by Kevin Costner in "The Upside of Anger". I will never forget the first time I saw that movie. My friend and I actually replayed the scene again. It was deliciously funny to both of us. Each of us having our own challenges with being assertive and appropriately angry. The movie is about that slow, seething and sometimes consuming type of anger, and the type of anger we use sometimes as oppose to being gentle with those we love. Couldn't explain it here, you just have to see it. I just felt that his words set the tone for this post. You know anger is a funny thing. I heard once that anger is born our of hurt. Lots of the darker emotions, I think, are born out of hurt. Heck lots of good comedy, country songs and books are born out of hurt. I digress. Anger can be productive, energizing, or it can literally freeze you in your tracks. You keep living, but you get no where. Every one's an idiot, all men are dogs, all women are cheating gold diggers, kids are selfish and unappreciative, your last 15 bosses have been the biggest jerks this side of hell, white people/black people or just people in general area all alike and you get crapped on everyday. You my friend have become stagnant in anger and you like the Grinch are Stink, Stank, Stunk!!!! I know someone like that and I have yet to figure out what was the precipitating event, but each event thereafter has simply poured fuel on a slow white hot fire. Its the kind that burns low, intense and flares up suddenly, then drops again. Anger like that eats up everything around it and destroys bit by bit, again confirming the persons right to be angry and fueling the fire. Not quite sure how you pull someone out of a blaze like that when it typically means sacrificing yourself. You have to delve into the midst of their fire, pray your protective gear is enough until you can convince them to come out of it. Some people are so wrapped up in it that they have nothing outside of their anger. A family friend died the other day after an illness. The family is one that has a hard time showing soft emotions. Some would say they don't show love. Based on stories I've heard them share, I submit that there was unresolved between the wife (the recently deceased person), and her late husband. He was a lovable drunk. Lovable drunks tend to be looked as harmless, however she talks of being left places with her children for hours waiting for him to come pick her up, and other "misadventures". He was also a bit of a womanizer. I think she felt it was wrong to have a knock down drag out argument so her anger became a part of her personality and displayed itself in sharp biting comments. She was known to say very hurtful things even close to the end. The best thing that came out of it was that the children often closed ranks against her barrage.
After Kevin Costner's character "blew up" and said the lines above, it shook the other character out of her anger mode, and things dropped down several notches. I don't know how effective that is in real life, but I do know that it is possible to be angry and communicate. Lots of folks, me included, have experienced some form of anger out of control. Arguments, fights, silent treatments, abandonment and/or complete withdrawal of love and affection. Thanks to those experiences, many refuse to have any discussions they fear will lead to out of control anger. I dated a guy in college who would not play cards of ANY kind, not even UNO, because he said people get angry and folks get shot. Wow, now that's deep! He told this to a bunch of Christian kids playing spades and UNO. Speaking of Christians, the Bible has a verse about being angry and not sinning, it also has one that tells you not to let the sun go down on your anger. Those of us could learn a few things about tuning down the anger and using it to our benefit. Being angry is a natural human emotion so you should expect to feel it from time to time. How you deal with anger is important for you and those around you. Sin not? Ok deep people, I'm not about to break this down by Hebrew, Greek, Quest, Dakes, Matthew Henry, Strong's or Believer's. I can if you wish, but lets just go surface deep. Sin not simply means do no harm. Chair throwing, b*tch slapping, excessive yelling(if you're still yelling 2 hours after it happened), and yes water boarding are all out. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. I don't think that means you have to forget it before the sun goes down, but I do think the nasty emotion should be either out of it or put aside. "you know I'm really pissed about this, and I think we need some time to think about it and then we can talk about it, can we agree to talk about this tomorrow?". I think that's okay. See when I let my anger seethe it just gets hotter, and apologies are harder to give and harder to accept. Agreements become chess moves so that I get more or the other person is punished more. Anger that lies in wait seems to kill any other emotions in the neighborhood. About 2 am you start to think "...and I never liked that old stupid green nail polish she wears, and then there was the time she, borrowed my red dress, did she EVER give it back?" Lots of agencies offer anger management, and what I find is they are actually teaching assertiveness classes. I've seen tough people be afraid to assert themselves. Its easier to growl than speak up, funny isn't it. Anger protects us. Just watch a teenager punished "I don't care didn't want anything for dinner anyway!" How many times have you been anger for hours, days, weeks, months when you could have been assertive in the first place? Ever walked around angry, because you felt taken advantage AND pissed cause you could have prevented it? Consider taking an assertiveness class and tune down the attitude.
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