Last Saturday, Senator Edward Kennedy was layed to rest. My hair stylist finally agree to perm my hair! Yippee! He says that after major surgery there are chemicals that have to work through your system. The hair needed it bad, so there I was sitting under the dryer watching some of the funeral services. Facing the coffin to the left were rows of dignitaries and well known people. In the first seats on the first row of dignitaries was the President of the United States and the First Lady. Behind them were three former Presidents. It struck me again how the fabric of this very country had changed. No matter whether his administration fails or succeeds, if he is assinated or lives to a ripe old age, if his daughters turn out to be bigger party hounds than the Bush girls, or he plunges us into World War III he will forever be the first Black President of the United States. The pictorial that has all the presidents on it, will forever have a Black face on it. Its funny that I continue to have moments like that, when does it simply become a fact of life? For some it will never become a fact of life. There have been so many off the cuff remarks such as "you can no longer call it the White House", or I'm going to get a hunting license, and so one. There are some who, for whatever their reason, fear the change and are unable to work through this and refuse to move on. I look at the nasty tone of town hall meetings, the venemous tones with which "Christian" groups oppose the duly elected President of the United States, when just one - two years ago they insisted on respect and support for the man in the Oval office even if you didn't agree with the war or his policies. I often heard people saying things like ultimately God is n control and if he is president God allowed it. Where has that sense of honor and respect and trust in God gone? Its funny how we act when we want what we want, how we want it, when we want it, and where we want it. In thinking about that, it hit me is it any wonder that weight is an issue for us as a country? We resist the change we can't embrace and we deny what we don't want to accept, even when the facts or reality is slapping us in the face.
We've all heard it and maybe even said it once or twice. "The definition of insanity is to continue doing the same thing and expecting a different result". We all know someone who has been on a diet, someone who has done a "program". They've lost weight and everyone celebrated their lost. We know disportionately more folks who gained it back than those who kept it off. We can all think of at least one diet drug that's been pulled from the market for either causing serious health problems or even death. The FDA is looking at the newest over the counter drug right now for possible health issues. AND YET...we continue to follow like lambs to the slaughter waiting for the next "program" or wonder drug. Health officials continue to say, smaller portions, healthier choices. Sunday I had the conversation I seem to be having quite often lately. "Is that all you're gonna eat? So you can eat that? Were you scared? How often do you get to eat?" People get stuck on two things, what they can't or can eat and the friend they know that had complications or someone who died. Its like focusing on the one plane crash instead of the hundreds of thousands of planes that arrive at their destination safely everyday all over the world. There is really nothing we can do about the risk except, be in the best health we can at operation time, (if the doctor says lose weight, do it). You decrease risk by researching your surgeon, talking to others about what to expect, and getting the items they suggest for afterwards.
But honestly I don't think the biggest fears are the health risk. Based on what the questions are, I think the biggest fears are that we will no longer be able to eat what we want. I understand because I have those days, where my hair aint right, my money ain't right, my man...well I just ain't got one, friends are tripping and my family has jumped up and down on my last nerve I want to eat what I want right THEN!!!! I get ill when I'm sitting at the table and I look at the menu and everything looks great. Well "back in the day", could order one of this, one of that and oh yeah two of those. Now I have to answer the waiter, yes that's all, no I don't want anything to drink, yes it was very good but that's all I can eat. We as a country and as individuals have convinced ourselves we need, must have the large amounts of food we consume, is it any wonder we resist anything that might stop us from freely and literally eating our hearts out.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Making a connection
Food, love, love, food. Are they the reverse sides of one coin or are they the backs of several coins. I've been thinking about the "uses" of food. Its a nutrient, it can be used to numb pain, it's a reward for a job well done, its a bedtime companion, its the closer on a great meal, its the second place prize after losing, its a memory, a place, a person or thing that it was served with before and its a road trip buddy. You can probably add several things to the list. I was thinking about it within the context of making contact. In the movie Crash, the narrator referenced how sometimes we run into each other just to make contact. That's my paraphrase not their words. I was thinking how we have all these ways of communicating such as email, text, im, social networks (myspace, facebook)cell and land phones. We have so many im accounts that there are websites where you can sign into all your accounts and talk to everyone at the same time. Yet from where I stand and what I read we are getting lonelier and lonelier everyday. I guess its like the hi-tech version of being in a room of crowded folks and still being lonely. Is that our parents/grandparents had it so much better or have we been tricked like the kid in the candy store? Look at the guy who shot up the gym. He wanted the attention of a certain type of woman and because he couldn't have that he committed murders. Thats actually a side note. I really was focusing on how it is that we are still not connecting. There are articles on how to meet men/women, how to flirt, how to make sure there's a second date, how to kiss, how to please him/her, and books on how to know if he/she's the one, how to get from dating to a proposal, and books on how to make friends, how to influence people, how to know what language someone communicates in and so on and so on. How is it that we have people yelling at each other in public forums, kids shooting parents, husbands killing pregnant wives, marriages falling apart, and so on and so on?
How is it that the nation of such great documents as the Constitution, The Bill of Rights, The Emancipation Proclamation, and (even if pieces were borrowed), the I Have a Dream Speech, is a nation of lonely, divided and alone people? You've got little old ladies with 100plus cats in their houses, mommas and their babies living without dads in shelters, kids growing up in foster care, and middle aged couples buying million dollar estates for just the two of them. Why aren't we connecting, and don't give me the nonsense about us being a transient group, parents and kids one place and grandparents another. That doesn't explain why we don't "love the one we're with". My brother stayed with my grandmother, my cousins while away at college lived in the home of an elderly woman who watched out for them. I know you have to be careful, but what has changed us so much that we don't reach out and we don't accept when someone reaches out? I don't expect an answer, but I hope you'll think about it some too. I think if we could start to address the why of that, maybe we could put a dent in the obesity epidemic. Think about it. You and I eat to fill needs...bet there are more of us around then imagined. Now at the end let me tell you what sent me down this road and why I think there are lots of us food "users" out there. I went to see PostGrad last night and I LOVED it. I completely identified with one character and my companion laughed at my conversation to the characters in the movie the entire time. But here's what caught my attention. One main character gave another character an eskimo pie and said something like it made everything better. Later in the movie you see someone else give someone an eskimo pie, and one more time an eskimo pie is given. That made me think of another use for food...actually two. Food can be medicine and it can be the opening to an apology, oh yeah how could I forget food is a great prop in foreplay, yummy!!!!!! Anyway, I digress. Here is this movie centered around a young woman just getting out of college and its already been imprinted in her mind to use food to cope. Hollywood imitates life or visa versa.
So you see, food is the medium by which lots of other stuff gets dealt with and covered. I've always heard that love covers a multitude of sins...but I say the word food is interchangeable in that sentences and serves just as "big" a purpose as love in some lives. So what does food connect you to?
How is it that the nation of such great documents as the Constitution, The Bill of Rights, The Emancipation Proclamation, and (even if pieces were borrowed), the I Have a Dream Speech, is a nation of lonely, divided and alone people? You've got little old ladies with 100plus cats in their houses, mommas and their babies living without dads in shelters, kids growing up in foster care, and middle aged couples buying million dollar estates for just the two of them. Why aren't we connecting, and don't give me the nonsense about us being a transient group, parents and kids one place and grandparents another. That doesn't explain why we don't "love the one we're with". My brother stayed with my grandmother, my cousins while away at college lived in the home of an elderly woman who watched out for them. I know you have to be careful, but what has changed us so much that we don't reach out and we don't accept when someone reaches out? I don't expect an answer, but I hope you'll think about it some too. I think if we could start to address the why of that, maybe we could put a dent in the obesity epidemic. Think about it. You and I eat to fill needs...bet there are more of us around then imagined. Now at the end let me tell you what sent me down this road and why I think there are lots of us food "users" out there. I went to see PostGrad last night and I LOVED it. I completely identified with one character and my companion laughed at my conversation to the characters in the movie the entire time. But here's what caught my attention. One main character gave another character an eskimo pie and said something like it made everything better. Later in the movie you see someone else give someone an eskimo pie, and one more time an eskimo pie is given. That made me think of another use for food...actually two. Food can be medicine and it can be the opening to an apology, oh yeah how could I forget food is a great prop in foreplay, yummy!!!!!! Anyway, I digress. Here is this movie centered around a young woman just getting out of college and its already been imprinted in her mind to use food to cope. Hollywood imitates life or visa versa.
So you see, food is the medium by which lots of other stuff gets dealt with and covered. I've always heard that love covers a multitude of sins...but I say the word food is interchangeable in that sentences and serves just as "big" a purpose as love in some lives. So what does food connect you to?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Hiding in the pain/ keeping out the sun
It's starting to rain again.
Everything's gone now.
Even the sun.
It's starting to rain again.
Don't go away.
What have I done?
I've been high and I've been low.
I've been wealthy and I've been poor.
I don't know much.
But one thing I know, this ain't no fun.
Sometimes I wish that I could stand here and fade away.
(Sometimes)
So that no one could see the tears running down my face.
(Sometimes)
Oh, invisibility would be great.
If you are surprised that I quote a Mary J Blige song, you are obviously reading this blog for the first time. She spoke in our area and one of the things she said is that her songs are from her experience, but also her friends, and their friends, female of course. I was talking with a friend the other evening and we talked on men for almost an hour. She has some wild stuff going on in her life, but the man thing we got. Its interesting, no matter where we are in our lives, when women talk about the men in their lives, they connect on some cosmic level. I guess that's why so many women feel Mary J speaks to their lives. I think that's why the Venus/Mars books were so popular. Men get men and women get women, but getting each other...wow.
Why is it that people who get paid to communicate, people who can sale a camel water, people who explain intricate functions of software, people who inspire kids to want to learn calculus, people who lead others into battle, people who answer hundreds of phone calls a day, etc can't communicate with the ones they love, the ones they want to love, the ones they use to love, the ones the could love and the ones who love them?
The song above is called Fade Away, and basically the speaker in the song is lamenting how she struggles with getting it right and some days it would just be easier to fade away. Ever been there? I've noticed something about myself, I have a tendency to explain things in the object. For example if I'm trying to explain why I hate mushrooms...which I don't, but for the sake of the example, this is how it would sound. "Why do I hate mushrooms? Well I hate mushrooms, because you can't put them on your car for decorations and when you try to write on them it just gets messy." This may not be a clear example, but note I stopped using "I" and said you. Sometimes that's a way of distancing yourself from what you're feeling, and not owning it. Its one of the reasons I like this song. She's owning her "crap". I mean we screw stuff up royally and then we want to walk away or try and take the back door to come in again.
Some people would rather die than say I'm sorry. Some folks would rather have their eyes glued shut than say I care for you more than you know. Vulnerability is vulnerability. Its an opportunity to be shut down, and for that reason normally communicative folks suddenly become babbling, silent, stuttering, wall staring idiots. So there we are letting some of the best things in our lives get away or die because of the pain we fear experiencing. Which is probably why "Fade Away" flows right into my other favorite "What Love Is". The lyrics make it clear love is not for the fool hearted or wimps. "Beautiful, horrible, magical, terrible.
Reason to laugh and smile. Reason to cry yourself to sleep at night. Start a fight. Make up, break up, wrong or right. Heaven for all its worth can equally be hell right here on earth."
Oh yeah experiencing love in any form is a risky business from start to finish and when it gets off track, its a you know what to get back on track...if you can get it back on track. Guess that's why sometimes we throw up our hands and walk away, pretend we didn't want it to begin with, say we don't need it, and all sorts of other...lies that don't make a sleep better at night.
Hiding works for only a while, you have to come out and face it eventually. We feel what we feel. Someone said, "the heart wants what the heart wants". Take it from me if you don't pursue what you want, you will try to fill that desire with something else, and you will drown the disappointment with something else, and the frustration, the pain, the anger and so on. Frankly, I'm trying to be honest cause it taste a lot better than the food I carry on my body right now. Once you've done what you can do, its very much like a football saying I like. You can say you "left it all on the field." When a player puts his all into it and the team still loses, he carries no regrets, no what-ifs, no questions about could he have done differently. Don't let pain and fear make you play less than your A game.
Everything's gone now.
Even the sun.
It's starting to rain again.
Don't go away.
What have I done?
I've been high and I've been low.
I've been wealthy and I've been poor.
I don't know much.
But one thing I know, this ain't no fun.
Sometimes I wish that I could stand here and fade away.
(Sometimes)
So that no one could see the tears running down my face.
(Sometimes)
Oh, invisibility would be great.
If you are surprised that I quote a Mary J Blige song, you are obviously reading this blog for the first time. She spoke in our area and one of the things she said is that her songs are from her experience, but also her friends, and their friends, female of course. I was talking with a friend the other evening and we talked on men for almost an hour. She has some wild stuff going on in her life, but the man thing we got. Its interesting, no matter where we are in our lives, when women talk about the men in their lives, they connect on some cosmic level. I guess that's why so many women feel Mary J speaks to their lives. I think that's why the Venus/Mars books were so popular. Men get men and women get women, but getting each other...wow.
Why is it that people who get paid to communicate, people who can sale a camel water, people who explain intricate functions of software, people who inspire kids to want to learn calculus, people who lead others into battle, people who answer hundreds of phone calls a day, etc can't communicate with the ones they love, the ones they want to love, the ones they use to love, the ones the could love and the ones who love them?
The song above is called Fade Away, and basically the speaker in the song is lamenting how she struggles with getting it right and some days it would just be easier to fade away. Ever been there? I've noticed something about myself, I have a tendency to explain things in the object. For example if I'm trying to explain why I hate mushrooms...which I don't, but for the sake of the example, this is how it would sound. "Why do I hate mushrooms? Well I hate mushrooms, because you can't put them on your car for decorations and when you try to write on them it just gets messy." This may not be a clear example, but note I stopped using "I" and said you. Sometimes that's a way of distancing yourself from what you're feeling, and not owning it. Its one of the reasons I like this song. She's owning her "crap". I mean we screw stuff up royally and then we want to walk away or try and take the back door to come in again.
Some people would rather die than say I'm sorry. Some folks would rather have their eyes glued shut than say I care for you more than you know. Vulnerability is vulnerability. Its an opportunity to be shut down, and for that reason normally communicative folks suddenly become babbling, silent, stuttering, wall staring idiots. So there we are letting some of the best things in our lives get away or die because of the pain we fear experiencing. Which is probably why "Fade Away" flows right into my other favorite "What Love Is". The lyrics make it clear love is not for the fool hearted or wimps. "Beautiful, horrible, magical, terrible.
Reason to laugh and smile. Reason to cry yourself to sleep at night. Start a fight. Make up, break up, wrong or right. Heaven for all its worth can equally be hell right here on earth."
Oh yeah experiencing love in any form is a risky business from start to finish and when it gets off track, its a you know what to get back on track...if you can get it back on track. Guess that's why sometimes we throw up our hands and walk away, pretend we didn't want it to begin with, say we don't need it, and all sorts of other...lies that don't make a sleep better at night.
Hiding works for only a while, you have to come out and face it eventually. We feel what we feel. Someone said, "the heart wants what the heart wants". Take it from me if you don't pursue what you want, you will try to fill that desire with something else, and you will drown the disappointment with something else, and the frustration, the pain, the anger and so on. Frankly, I'm trying to be honest cause it taste a lot better than the food I carry on my body right now. Once you've done what you can do, its very much like a football saying I like. You can say you "left it all on the field." When a player puts his all into it and the team still loses, he carries no regrets, no what-ifs, no questions about could he have done differently. Don't let pain and fear make you play less than your A game.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Busting out and tuning it down
Denny Davies: I am so *sick* of being your b*tch. I put up with your sh*t because I know how much *pain* you're in! But it's ENOUGH! It's a tall order for a *patient* motherf*cker, and I am the furthest thing from that that you're ever going to lay eyes on.
No I haven't said those words to anyone, they were delivered with wonderful cadence and controlled emotion by Kevin Costner in "The Upside of Anger". I will never forget the first time I saw that movie. My friend and I actually replayed the scene again. It was deliciously funny to both of us. Each of us having our own challenges with being assertive and appropriately angry. The movie is about that slow, seething and sometimes consuming type of anger, and the type of anger we use sometimes as oppose to being gentle with those we love. Couldn't explain it here, you just have to see it. I just felt that his words set the tone for this post. You know anger is a funny thing. I heard once that anger is born our of hurt. Lots of the darker emotions, I think, are born out of hurt. Heck lots of good comedy, country songs and books are born out of hurt. I digress. Anger can be productive, energizing, or it can literally freeze you in your tracks. You keep living, but you get no where. Every one's an idiot, all men are dogs, all women are cheating gold diggers, kids are selfish and unappreciative, your last 15 bosses have been the biggest jerks this side of hell, white people/black people or just people in general area all alike and you get crapped on everyday. You my friend have become stagnant in anger and you like the Grinch are Stink, Stank, Stunk!!!! I know someone like that and I have yet to figure out what was the precipitating event, but each event thereafter has simply poured fuel on a slow white hot fire. Its the kind that burns low, intense and flares up suddenly, then drops again. Anger like that eats up everything around it and destroys bit by bit, again confirming the persons right to be angry and fueling the fire. Not quite sure how you pull someone out of a blaze like that when it typically means sacrificing yourself. You have to delve into the midst of their fire, pray your protective gear is enough until you can convince them to come out of it. Some people are so wrapped up in it that they have nothing outside of their anger. A family friend died the other day after an illness. The family is one that has a hard time showing soft emotions. Some would say they don't show love. Based on stories I've heard them share, I submit that there was unresolved between the wife (the recently deceased person), and her late husband. He was a lovable drunk. Lovable drunks tend to be looked as harmless, however she talks of being left places with her children for hours waiting for him to come pick her up, and other "misadventures". He was also a bit of a womanizer. I think she felt it was wrong to have a knock down drag out argument so her anger became a part of her personality and displayed itself in sharp biting comments. She was known to say very hurtful things even close to the end. The best thing that came out of it was that the children often closed ranks against her barrage.
After Kevin Costner's character "blew up" and said the lines above, it shook the other character out of her anger mode, and things dropped down several notches. I don't know how effective that is in real life, but I do know that it is possible to be angry and communicate. Lots of folks, me included, have experienced some form of anger out of control. Arguments, fights, silent treatments, abandonment and/or complete withdrawal of love and affection. Thanks to those experiences, many refuse to have any discussions they fear will lead to out of control anger. I dated a guy in college who would not play cards of ANY kind, not even UNO, because he said people get angry and folks get shot. Wow, now that's deep! He told this to a bunch of Christian kids playing spades and UNO. Speaking of Christians, the Bible has a verse about being angry and not sinning, it also has one that tells you not to let the sun go down on your anger. Those of us could learn a few things about tuning down the anger and using it to our benefit. Being angry is a natural human emotion so you should expect to feel it from time to time. How you deal with anger is important for you and those around you. Sin not? Ok deep people, I'm not about to break this down by Hebrew, Greek, Quest, Dakes, Matthew Henry, Strong's or Believer's. I can if you wish, but lets just go surface deep. Sin not simply means do no harm. Chair throwing, b*tch slapping, excessive yelling(if you're still yelling 2 hours after it happened), and yes water boarding are all out. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. I don't think that means you have to forget it before the sun goes down, but I do think the nasty emotion should be either out of it or put aside. "you know I'm really pissed about this, and I think we need some time to think about it and then we can talk about it, can we agree to talk about this tomorrow?". I think that's okay. See when I let my anger seethe it just gets hotter, and apologies are harder to give and harder to accept. Agreements become chess moves so that I get more or the other person is punished more. Anger that lies in wait seems to kill any other emotions in the neighborhood. About 2 am you start to think "...and I never liked that old stupid green nail polish she wears, and then there was the time she, borrowed my red dress, did she EVER give it back?" Lots of agencies offer anger management, and what I find is they are actually teaching assertiveness classes. I've seen tough people be afraid to assert themselves. Its easier to growl than speak up, funny isn't it. Anger protects us. Just watch a teenager punished "I don't care didn't want anything for dinner anyway!" How many times have you been anger for hours, days, weeks, months when you could have been assertive in the first place? Ever walked around angry, because you felt taken advantage AND pissed cause you could have prevented it? Consider taking an assertiveness class and tune down the attitude.
No I haven't said those words to anyone, they were delivered with wonderful cadence and controlled emotion by Kevin Costner in "The Upside of Anger". I will never forget the first time I saw that movie. My friend and I actually replayed the scene again. It was deliciously funny to both of us. Each of us having our own challenges with being assertive and appropriately angry. The movie is about that slow, seething and sometimes consuming type of anger, and the type of anger we use sometimes as oppose to being gentle with those we love. Couldn't explain it here, you just have to see it. I just felt that his words set the tone for this post. You know anger is a funny thing. I heard once that anger is born our of hurt. Lots of the darker emotions, I think, are born out of hurt. Heck lots of good comedy, country songs and books are born out of hurt. I digress. Anger can be productive, energizing, or it can literally freeze you in your tracks. You keep living, but you get no where. Every one's an idiot, all men are dogs, all women are cheating gold diggers, kids are selfish and unappreciative, your last 15 bosses have been the biggest jerks this side of hell, white people/black people or just people in general area all alike and you get crapped on everyday. You my friend have become stagnant in anger and you like the Grinch are Stink, Stank, Stunk!!!! I know someone like that and I have yet to figure out what was the precipitating event, but each event thereafter has simply poured fuel on a slow white hot fire. Its the kind that burns low, intense and flares up suddenly, then drops again. Anger like that eats up everything around it and destroys bit by bit, again confirming the persons right to be angry and fueling the fire. Not quite sure how you pull someone out of a blaze like that when it typically means sacrificing yourself. You have to delve into the midst of their fire, pray your protective gear is enough until you can convince them to come out of it. Some people are so wrapped up in it that they have nothing outside of their anger. A family friend died the other day after an illness. The family is one that has a hard time showing soft emotions. Some would say they don't show love. Based on stories I've heard them share, I submit that there was unresolved between the wife (the recently deceased person), and her late husband. He was a lovable drunk. Lovable drunks tend to be looked as harmless, however she talks of being left places with her children for hours waiting for him to come pick her up, and other "misadventures". He was also a bit of a womanizer. I think she felt it was wrong to have a knock down drag out argument so her anger became a part of her personality and displayed itself in sharp biting comments. She was known to say very hurtful things even close to the end. The best thing that came out of it was that the children often closed ranks against her barrage.
After Kevin Costner's character "blew up" and said the lines above, it shook the other character out of her anger mode, and things dropped down several notches. I don't know how effective that is in real life, but I do know that it is possible to be angry and communicate. Lots of folks, me included, have experienced some form of anger out of control. Arguments, fights, silent treatments, abandonment and/or complete withdrawal of love and affection. Thanks to those experiences, many refuse to have any discussions they fear will lead to out of control anger. I dated a guy in college who would not play cards of ANY kind, not even UNO, because he said people get angry and folks get shot. Wow, now that's deep! He told this to a bunch of Christian kids playing spades and UNO. Speaking of Christians, the Bible has a verse about being angry and not sinning, it also has one that tells you not to let the sun go down on your anger. Those of us could learn a few things about tuning down the anger and using it to our benefit. Being angry is a natural human emotion so you should expect to feel it from time to time. How you deal with anger is important for you and those around you. Sin not? Ok deep people, I'm not about to break this down by Hebrew, Greek, Quest, Dakes, Matthew Henry, Strong's or Believer's. I can if you wish, but lets just go surface deep. Sin not simply means do no harm. Chair throwing, b*tch slapping, excessive yelling(if you're still yelling 2 hours after it happened), and yes water boarding are all out. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. I don't think that means you have to forget it before the sun goes down, but I do think the nasty emotion should be either out of it or put aside. "you know I'm really pissed about this, and I think we need some time to think about it and then we can talk about it, can we agree to talk about this tomorrow?". I think that's okay. See when I let my anger seethe it just gets hotter, and apologies are harder to give and harder to accept. Agreements become chess moves so that I get more or the other person is punished more. Anger that lies in wait seems to kill any other emotions in the neighborhood. About 2 am you start to think "...and I never liked that old stupid green nail polish she wears, and then there was the time she, borrowed my red dress, did she EVER give it back?" Lots of agencies offer anger management, and what I find is they are actually teaching assertiveness classes. I've seen tough people be afraid to assert themselves. Its easier to growl than speak up, funny isn't it. Anger protects us. Just watch a teenager punished "I don't care didn't want anything for dinner anyway!" How many times have you been anger for hours, days, weeks, months when you could have been assertive in the first place? Ever walked around angry, because you felt taken advantage AND pissed cause you could have prevented it? Consider taking an assertiveness class and tune down the attitude.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Getting a life by learning, shedding it and moving on
Finally able to get back in the water...yay!! Its very therapeutic for me. I zone out those around me and as water rolls over and by me, I think on things that are pressing me. Well, I wasn't ready to let go of my last post, I felt like there was more to it and as I began to stretch my arms and legs covering the distance of the pool, two things came to mind. A book which use to be required reading "A Separate Piece", and getting free from mental slavery.
So my rant yesterday was about a couple of things but it boils down to this: I have not been treating myself as my best friend and I've been resenting those who do it to an excessive degree. I still remember the letters wanting to know if anyone had heard from the person he thought was the love of his life. I can remember another guy moping around for months. i remember have a midlife crisis at 25 and comparing my love life to that of a person that went through men like underwear. No, I suspect she probably puts undies in the gentle cycle. The guys have moved on, paid off the engagement rings and may even smile with fond memories when her name is mentioned. I on the other hand have carried a spot of anger for them towards her, carried envy for how easily she discarded people on her way to discovering herself with what appeared to be little regard for what others said. Today in the pool somewhere between 3 1/2 feet and 4'6 I realized that for her she was being her best Friend. My definition and and someone Else's of friendship, acquaintances and encounters is different. See in my mental trapped mind friendship meant treating others better than I treated myself and hoping that I would get the same in return. While for some, friendship means "whats in it for me?" And, yet others see it like the song "live and let die."
I think that's why "A Separate Piece" was required reading in High School. The two main characters are leaders in the military school it was set against the back drop of a war...hate to say I can't remember what war. The two end up being roommates. One is gregarious, athletic, with incredible charisma. He manages to pull the other into all sorts of adventures, and all those around them. Bit by bit the second string begins to resent the natural athlete. Things that were an effort for him were natural to the athletic leader. Being young and unable to understand the nature of growing into who you will become, the less athletic one joust a limb during one of their adventures, permanently injuring the friendship and the natural athlete. We all grow into who we are, along the road we do some really crappy stuff and some really good stuff and some really funny stuff and some really stupid stuff. Hopefully we learn and become better people at the end of the process, AND if we are really fortunate we don't seriously hurt others on the way. The character in the book was in his own little world and only after everything was said and done did he get the gravity of what he'd done. Some people never get it, because the hurt they inflict is not visible and they've either learned or been taught that friendships/relationships are for their use and disposal. I have always had a hard time reconciling how people live like that. I think a big a part of it was that I didn't have a clue about being good to myself. So people who would put themselves first above anyone else didn't even register in my mind.
I've been pushing myself cause I want to get back to 100%. I don't think I shared on the blog how my surgeon kept saying how I was doing great for what I had been through and I had made him work. I have always pushed through no matter what. People will tell you I am strong, a pillar, someone you can depend on. Another friend recently told me I have a history of manipulation. She told me to stop trying to manipulate my body. I know this sounds like a tangent, but its related...
Anywho, today I thought about how I've done that with everything in my life. I've made it fit within the perimeters of what's expected. Even when I was doing the unexpected I took the precautions to make my life look like what others expected. I was everyone else's best friend. So my best friend became food. People who walk on others don't have it figured out, however they have a piece of the puzzle. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. I suspect its guess work how and when you do that. It wasn't till after I left the gym and was on my way to pick up some stuff and meet a friend when it hit me, being my best friend and taking care of me means making some extreme moves. As I drove down 40 I told myself we are going to give a f**k less what people think and care more about how I feel about me. I will heal at the pace my body heals. I will not make myself do stuff I'm not ready to. I will say no to people who have put my well being last. I will do things I enjoy. I will be honest but not mean. I will take care of me and be the best BF I ever had. What will you do to take care of you?
So my rant yesterday was about a couple of things but it boils down to this: I have not been treating myself as my best friend and I've been resenting those who do it to an excessive degree. I still remember the letters wanting to know if anyone had heard from the person he thought was the love of his life. I can remember another guy moping around for months. i remember have a midlife crisis at 25 and comparing my love life to that of a person that went through men like underwear. No, I suspect she probably puts undies in the gentle cycle. The guys have moved on, paid off the engagement rings and may even smile with fond memories when her name is mentioned. I on the other hand have carried a spot of anger for them towards her, carried envy for how easily she discarded people on her way to discovering herself with what appeared to be little regard for what others said. Today in the pool somewhere between 3 1/2 feet and 4'6 I realized that for her she was being her best Friend. My definition and and someone Else's of friendship, acquaintances and encounters is different. See in my mental trapped mind friendship meant treating others better than I treated myself and hoping that I would get the same in return. While for some, friendship means "whats in it for me?" And, yet others see it like the song "live and let die."
I think that's why "A Separate Piece" was required reading in High School. The two main characters are leaders in the military school it was set against the back drop of a war...hate to say I can't remember what war. The two end up being roommates. One is gregarious, athletic, with incredible charisma. He manages to pull the other into all sorts of adventures, and all those around them. Bit by bit the second string begins to resent the natural athlete. Things that were an effort for him were natural to the athletic leader. Being young and unable to understand the nature of growing into who you will become, the less athletic one joust a limb during one of their adventures, permanently injuring the friendship and the natural athlete. We all grow into who we are, along the road we do some really crappy stuff and some really good stuff and some really funny stuff and some really stupid stuff. Hopefully we learn and become better people at the end of the process, AND if we are really fortunate we don't seriously hurt others on the way. The character in the book was in his own little world and only after everything was said and done did he get the gravity of what he'd done. Some people never get it, because the hurt they inflict is not visible and they've either learned or been taught that friendships/relationships are for their use and disposal. I have always had a hard time reconciling how people live like that. I think a big a part of it was that I didn't have a clue about being good to myself. So people who would put themselves first above anyone else didn't even register in my mind.
I've been pushing myself cause I want to get back to 100%. I don't think I shared on the blog how my surgeon kept saying how I was doing great for what I had been through and I had made him work. I have always pushed through no matter what. People will tell you I am strong, a pillar, someone you can depend on. Another friend recently told me I have a history of manipulation. She told me to stop trying to manipulate my body. I know this sounds like a tangent, but its related...
Anywho, today I thought about how I've done that with everything in my life. I've made it fit within the perimeters of what's expected. Even when I was doing the unexpected I took the precautions to make my life look like what others expected. I was everyone else's best friend. So my best friend became food. People who walk on others don't have it figured out, however they have a piece of the puzzle. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. I suspect its guess work how and when you do that. It wasn't till after I left the gym and was on my way to pick up some stuff and meet a friend when it hit me, being my best friend and taking care of me means making some extreme moves. As I drove down 40 I told myself we are going to give a f**k less what people think and care more about how I feel about me. I will heal at the pace my body heals. I will not make myself do stuff I'm not ready to. I will say no to people who have put my well being last. I will do things I enjoy. I will be honest but not mean. I will take care of me and be the best BF I ever had. What will you do to take care of you?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
yesterday, today, tomorrow
But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
and as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Duran Duran sings "I won't cry for yesterday". Good motto, but I think that without even realizing we cry for yesterday, we just assume its about the moment we are in. Its funny how the scars of yesterday get reopened and hurt just as much when they cross over into today. I love watching Cold Case because the cops always go back, figure out what happened, make things right and bring closure. I didn't realize what the attraction was until tonight. In case you have no clue what Cold Case is, its a detective show about a Philadelphia squad that investigates unsolved murders that are no longer being actively investigated. They put 4 or 5 detectives on one case based on evidence that turns up or at the request of a relative. There's always an interesting story behind the murder. There is someone left with unresolved questions that get answered or taken care of by the detectives. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that for our lives? Wouldn't it be nice if we could ask someone to go back and answer the questions in our lives so we could close the book on certain chapters and walk away whole?
I am eating solids and felt the familiar need to enjoy the food for the sake of making me feel better. I couldn't figure out what exactly what was going on. I thought it was about the current situation. I even whined to a friend while we were out, I just want my body back, I want my energy...blah blah blah. Well lets be honest. I'm trying to lose weight because I didn't have my body or my max energy before right? What else could it be? Hmmm friend was out with another friend jealous...hmmm yeah but don't think its anymore than the normal person would feel. So whats up. It bugged me all night, cause even though there was little food in the plate, I kept going back to nibble on it. I'm use to going all day with one small meal now, so why am I nibbling? Finally watching Cold Case brought it home for me. Again, Cold Case goes back and puts all the pieces together. Some cases involve people who were very young. One of my favorites was the unsolved case of a middle schooler. She was an independent free thinker and a nerd. She was killed by a classmate. In the process of uncovering the killer, the team visited several classmates and each had been served their just desserts, in one way or another. If you were not privy to the one on one interviews with the detectives you would not know this. The one I watched this evening was similar to that. In Cold Case land the world is always left balanced and life is fair in the big picture. The victim always shows up in the last scene to acknowledge the team setting the record straight.
Real life is not that simple. It for damn sure ain't fair. I was fighting a ghost from the past, one that just doesn't seem to ever get its just dessert. I think part of the problem is that unlike Cold Case I didn't get to sit in on the conversations with the Cold Case detectives. Maybe I'd feel like the scales were balanced, if just once it didn't seem like some have skated through life on charms, lies and a real lack of giving a flying shit about others. Ahhh now we hit it...anger. Ever met someone that the world loved, but for whatever reason they gave you their ass to kiss? But it was done in subtle ways so you couldn't say, "did you see that". You just knew when the butt was positioned in front of your face that for whatever reason, it was there to say "kiss my ass". Well got a ghost like that, and waited and waited for the rest of the world to get a clue, never quite seem to happen. No matter what happened the ghost came out smelling like rose. You know the type, its as though every morning the sun rises and sets at their house, bluebirds show up to wake them and nightingales sing them to sleep. Their teeth gleam with a ring when they smile, they always get a parking spot near the door. So on and on. If you think I sound bitter, ding ding ding, you're a winner! Cause you expect folks that get it like that to be nice. Not. I find people like that are more likely to dismiss others because they have such a big pond brimming with other adoring fish to pick from. Yep watched my ghost verbally rip people apart and laugh that infectious laugh about them, smile charmingly in their face and never give a clue they couldn't care squat about them. Now, all this time, each time, I got an indication things had changed i initiated contact only to find my face, getting that same ass kissing message. But of course the world still ate it up. Why do I even care and why am i having this conniption right? Here's the funny part, I discovered recently I have a really sadistic bent towards myself. I just keep coming back for more punishment when people make it clear that they are not there for my best interest. I've been cornered by three friends about this lately, and as I question myself about why this was, I began to see other instances of it in my life. I'm shocked, disgusted and amazed that I did this. Oh yeah and I'm pissed at myself, Ms independent NOT so independent. How do you get yourself back on a level playing field when you were taught so clearly that your needs were not that important? How do you learn be secure in who you are and what you have? How do you get the courage to take care of yourself and not be afraid that you're asking too much of others and that they'll leave you for asking anything at all. I don't know, I'm figuring it out daily. But I'm so thankful for the people in my life who give without me asking, who give when I ask, who just give because they sense I need. I guess when we open ourselves up to receive, we may not have the Cold Case detectives to make things right, but they sort of balance out in little ways along the road. I guess I have to accept that those around me love me for me and even if they never see the slime in those I would like for them to see it in, I can only be honest with me and leave it there. So the next assignment in learning to live is taking care of yourself (myself) and letting the you know what fall where it may. Excuse me while I go do some protecting of myself and drop some friends that weren't my friends to begin with ... oh yeah, and feed the dog some food I don't want or need.
there's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
and as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Duran Duran sings "I won't cry for yesterday". Good motto, but I think that without even realizing we cry for yesterday, we just assume its about the moment we are in. Its funny how the scars of yesterday get reopened and hurt just as much when they cross over into today. I love watching Cold Case because the cops always go back, figure out what happened, make things right and bring closure. I didn't realize what the attraction was until tonight. In case you have no clue what Cold Case is, its a detective show about a Philadelphia squad that investigates unsolved murders that are no longer being actively investigated. They put 4 or 5 detectives on one case based on evidence that turns up or at the request of a relative. There's always an interesting story behind the murder. There is someone left with unresolved questions that get answered or taken care of by the detectives. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do that for our lives? Wouldn't it be nice if we could ask someone to go back and answer the questions in our lives so we could close the book on certain chapters and walk away whole?
I am eating solids and felt the familiar need to enjoy the food for the sake of making me feel better. I couldn't figure out what exactly what was going on. I thought it was about the current situation. I even whined to a friend while we were out, I just want my body back, I want my energy...blah blah blah. Well lets be honest. I'm trying to lose weight because I didn't have my body or my max energy before right? What else could it be? Hmmm friend was out with another friend jealous...hmmm yeah but don't think its anymore than the normal person would feel. So whats up. It bugged me all night, cause even though there was little food in the plate, I kept going back to nibble on it. I'm use to going all day with one small meal now, so why am I nibbling? Finally watching Cold Case brought it home for me. Again, Cold Case goes back and puts all the pieces together. Some cases involve people who were very young. One of my favorites was the unsolved case of a middle schooler. She was an independent free thinker and a nerd. She was killed by a classmate. In the process of uncovering the killer, the team visited several classmates and each had been served their just desserts, in one way or another. If you were not privy to the one on one interviews with the detectives you would not know this. The one I watched this evening was similar to that. In Cold Case land the world is always left balanced and life is fair in the big picture. The victim always shows up in the last scene to acknowledge the team setting the record straight.
Real life is not that simple. It for damn sure ain't fair. I was fighting a ghost from the past, one that just doesn't seem to ever get its just dessert. I think part of the problem is that unlike Cold Case I didn't get to sit in on the conversations with the Cold Case detectives. Maybe I'd feel like the scales were balanced, if just once it didn't seem like some have skated through life on charms, lies and a real lack of giving a flying shit about others. Ahhh now we hit it...anger. Ever met someone that the world loved, but for whatever reason they gave you their ass to kiss? But it was done in subtle ways so you couldn't say, "did you see that". You just knew when the butt was positioned in front of your face that for whatever reason, it was there to say "kiss my ass". Well got a ghost like that, and waited and waited for the rest of the world to get a clue, never quite seem to happen. No matter what happened the ghost came out smelling like rose. You know the type, its as though every morning the sun rises and sets at their house, bluebirds show up to wake them and nightingales sing them to sleep. Their teeth gleam with a ring when they smile, they always get a parking spot near the door. So on and on. If you think I sound bitter, ding ding ding, you're a winner! Cause you expect folks that get it like that to be nice. Not. I find people like that are more likely to dismiss others because they have such a big pond brimming with other adoring fish to pick from. Yep watched my ghost verbally rip people apart and laugh that infectious laugh about them, smile charmingly in their face and never give a clue they couldn't care squat about them. Now, all this time, each time, I got an indication things had changed i initiated contact only to find my face, getting that same ass kissing message. But of course the world still ate it up. Why do I even care and why am i having this conniption right? Here's the funny part, I discovered recently I have a really sadistic bent towards myself. I just keep coming back for more punishment when people make it clear that they are not there for my best interest. I've been cornered by three friends about this lately, and as I question myself about why this was, I began to see other instances of it in my life. I'm shocked, disgusted and amazed that I did this. Oh yeah and I'm pissed at myself, Ms independent NOT so independent. How do you get yourself back on a level playing field when you were taught so clearly that your needs were not that important? How do you learn be secure in who you are and what you have? How do you get the courage to take care of yourself and not be afraid that you're asking too much of others and that they'll leave you for asking anything at all. I don't know, I'm figuring it out daily. But I'm so thankful for the people in my life who give without me asking, who give when I ask, who just give because they sense I need. I guess when we open ourselves up to receive, we may not have the Cold Case detectives to make things right, but they sort of balance out in little ways along the road. I guess I have to accept that those around me love me for me and even if they never see the slime in those I would like for them to see it in, I can only be honest with me and leave it there. So the next assignment in learning to live is taking care of yourself (myself) and letting the you know what fall where it may. Excuse me while I go do some protecting of myself and drop some friends that weren't my friends to begin with ... oh yeah, and feed the dog some food I don't want or need.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Growing and healing on military time
I've always heard that in the military you hurry up and to wait. In the Christian world I think that trips a lot of would be believers up. See you have these flash in the pans and they give astounding testimonies of instant changes. Maybe I'm jaded, but most of those meteoric stars, tend to fall and fall hard. You know the kind, sooooo deep, you can't even say "crap", literally, around them. So then you have the faithful followers who feel like "crap" because they're struggling with everyday issues and the thorn in Paul's side doesn't get preached until one of the mighty fall. More folks would stay with the Lord if the book of Joel...Billy Joel that is, was quoted more often as oppose the book of the religious. He has a song called "Second Wind", its about screwing up and staying in the game. You hurry up and accept Christ, but living the life is a marathon that last a lifetime. You may walk away from a church, a cell, a prayer group, but just keep coming back to God. Sorry that was completely about me.
So I feel like, I hurried through the first parts of recovery, just to wait for the everything else to fall in place. I've been told in about 2 more months, I'll be able to drink more water, and things will not leave me nauseous. Well right now, some days water is just plain gross, food scents make me almost sick to my stomach. Chewing foods causes me to burp even before I swallow. I hate chewing vitamins and switching up liquids to trick my system. So I wait and everyone says how great I'm doing and how it seems so much longer that I've been out of surgery. That's because I hurried up only to wait.
So now, I've decided to mature emotionally. I made this profession to live life. Ah, its not so easy. Exactly what IS living life. I mean is it the quiet reserve of choosing a life profession and loyally following that life? What about discovering that something or someone other than what you thought puts a gleam in your eye. Is life pursing what may be a temporary distraction or the dream of a "life" time, or is living going for what is stable and lasting? What about choices that you make. If you are going to live life to the fullest do you choose for the moment or decide based on long term ramifications? Just how do you decide what true living is? AND how do distinguish between a gut feeling and your old self resisting living? Oh its all so overwhelming...where's a nice hot bucket of buttered popcorn when you need it? Just kidding...popcorn police leave me alone! Anyway, its something to think about. Tonight was my first night back at the gym in the pool. Before, being in the pool was like being in the shower. Anytime I can relax in water, i de-stress. So walking in the pool is great. I am looking forward to getting back up to specs and figuring out this living thing in the pool. I guess I've hurried as much as I can, and now I just have to wait for it all to fall in place.
So I feel like, I hurried through the first parts of recovery, just to wait for the everything else to fall in place. I've been told in about 2 more months, I'll be able to drink more water, and things will not leave me nauseous. Well right now, some days water is just plain gross, food scents make me almost sick to my stomach. Chewing foods causes me to burp even before I swallow. I hate chewing vitamins and switching up liquids to trick my system. So I wait and everyone says how great I'm doing and how it seems so much longer that I've been out of surgery. That's because I hurried up only to wait.
So now, I've decided to mature emotionally. I made this profession to live life. Ah, its not so easy. Exactly what IS living life. I mean is it the quiet reserve of choosing a life profession and loyally following that life? What about discovering that something or someone other than what you thought puts a gleam in your eye. Is life pursing what may be a temporary distraction or the dream of a "life" time, or is living going for what is stable and lasting? What about choices that you make. If you are going to live life to the fullest do you choose for the moment or decide based on long term ramifications? Just how do you decide what true living is? AND how do distinguish between a gut feeling and your old self resisting living? Oh its all so overwhelming...where's a nice hot bucket of buttered popcorn when you need it? Just kidding...popcorn police leave me alone! Anyway, its something to think about. Tonight was my first night back at the gym in the pool. Before, being in the pool was like being in the shower. Anytime I can relax in water, i de-stress. So walking in the pool is great. I am looking forward to getting back up to specs and figuring out this living thing in the pool. I guess I've hurried as much as I can, and now I just have to wait for it all to fall in place.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Fear of the boogie man
When you were a kid did you have a fear of the closet monster, the under the bed monster, the dark hallway monster etc? I can't recall a particular monster I feared. I've shared this before, but I can't recall a lot about childhood, a bit or piece here and there. Anywho, the first time I lost some weight and people began to notice, I shared with someone that I began to think about the vulnerability of being smaller. I was hit on by this lesbian cop and for a while I kept running into her everywhere. Freaked me out, cause that just freaks me out. "Don't judge me", its just hard to be cocky and rude in the way you are to a guy when its a girl! I'm still trying to comprehend she thinks I would want tofu instead of a T-bone steak! Nuff said, but on one of those occasions she engaged me in a conversation about personal safety and she said you know with my height, (she was very tall, kinda girl you do not want to be locked in a cell with, cause you just know you'll be the domestic one...catch my drift?) I am not an easy target for a rapist, and you aren't either. I guess I knew this, but hearing it from a cop (twisted but still a cop)confirmed it. So with that first real drop in weight I was driving one day and this guy kept pulling up near me. He was driving a creepy van with tinted windows. I got nervous and started thinking all sorts of weird things. Eventually he turned off, but by then I was already thinking about all the boogie monsters that were in the world waiting to attack unsuspecting "little" people. An ex-acquaintaince took time to teach me some basic self protection moves when I shared my fears with him. First and foremost is don't let someone take you someplace else. Easier said than done right especially if he has a gun. Remember he or they are looking for the easiest target. If he's got a gun more than likely he's gonna kill you if he's taking you some place else. Sometimes there are things that are worse than death. Keep that in mind. First of all yelling may be effective if you yell the right thing. The more Jerry Springerish the more likely to draw attention, this is no time to be a lady, "WTF do you mean you been sleeping with my sister!!!?" Apparently people don't respond as quickly to "HELP!", but they love to see a good drama. Now this may not work especially if no one is around. If its just you, then you also want to remember, dead weight is very hard to drag into a vehicle. Running, fighting, provide energy he or they can use to lift you into the vehicle. Dropping to the ground either in a fake faint or like the 70's protestors makes you really hard to take. That was the whole idea in the 70's remember seeing more than one person having to pick them up? Unless he is fixated on you and you alone (not likely) he's gonna look for an easier target. He will have to either threaten you with being shot, in which case you have a chance of surviving and if you don't, your family will know what happened to you cause you will be where you were suppose to be, or he has to get help/put the gun down to pick you up. Lets say he has some other weapon. Depending on what it is, you may be able to pull a wonder woman on him. Now these next few are quite simple, and they sound cruel, but remember, he plans to do even more cruel and painful things to you. It takes less than 3lbs of pressure to break a knee. Just pretend you have a handful of groceries and you have an old Ford with a heavy door, that never shuts right and requires a good kick. You're gonna pull that knee up and shove it forward with all your might directly onto that knee cap. You want to hear it pop, and then run like hell. I have heard about driving his nose up into his skull, but I don't know how that works. I was told to deliver a punch directly into the nose. In the movies, punches are delivered sideways. That's not what we are after. If you play sports, this is a follow through move. Pretend you are Venus Williams and you need to shove that ball down your opponents throat. You pull the arm back, you keep your eye on the ball (his nose) you bring your fist forward straight ahead with all your might (how dare he have the audacity to attack you!), punch him in the nose with the intent to push his nose into the back of his skull. This is not a love tap on his face. The goal is to incapacitate him. So again the goal is driving his nose to the back of his skull. Just keep going, follow through with the punch. Hopefully there will be blood, but you want him down, and again run like hell. The infamous kick to the family jewels is a risky move, because that doesn't always work, and can make him very angry. Its been shown that a man can continue to function with a stab wound. So your knife may not be so reliable. If you know that your pepper spray is fresh and not outdated AND you are 100% certain you can get it open, aim it and hit the target, cool. I am in the process...well just starting to apply for a gun and then I'm going to apply for a concealed weapon permit. This is a personal choice that I've been discussing with family and friends for several months. You have to figure out what's best for you. At first I didn't think I could hurt someone by breaking their knee or crushing their nose, but it was stressed to me "Its you or them." Now having some ways to deal with it has made me feel less powerless about losing weight and falling into the possible victim category. The other thing is its a part of life that everyone contends with and I can't stop losing weight just because thats a possibility.
Ok now that I've taking the long way around the barn, let me clean my shoes off from going through the pasture and then we'll go in the barn.
There are lots of other "boogie men" that seem to be lurking in the path of my weight loss. How to deal with men I've known who change how they now look at me. Men who left my life but want re-admittance now that there's less of me to love. Becoming a piece of meat again. As a woman you know the look, you get goose bumps when the interest of your heart looks at you that way, but it just makes your stomach turn when some old leacherous man does it. Now you know what I'm talking about. The look that starts with his favorite body parts and either proceeds up or down your body. You might as well be nude cause you can tell he's undressed you and taken mental photographs. Maybe you like it, but I don't. At my last job there was another supervisor who was married to a big girl and apparently that was his preference. He would do that to me and it made me so mad. But as a very big girl, it didn't happen often. Now I've got to deal with that again. Since I've never been as small as I'm about to get,and people keep telling me that I'm gonna be sought after, I worry about dealing with it. Most parents gave their kids some way to combat the boogie man, for some it was a blanket, a flashlight or nightlight, a "magic" weapon to scare the boogie man away. Earlier I shared what someone gave me to deal with physical vulnerability. Now I'm going to find out how to deal with these boogie men, after all they are a part of living and while they may not be as dangerous as a real attacker, they have to be dealt with. Cause I for one refuse to stop living out of fear.
Ok now that I've taking the long way around the barn, let me clean my shoes off from going through the pasture and then we'll go in the barn.
There are lots of other "boogie men" that seem to be lurking in the path of my weight loss. How to deal with men I've known who change how they now look at me. Men who left my life but want re-admittance now that there's less of me to love. Becoming a piece of meat again. As a woman you know the look, you get goose bumps when the interest of your heart looks at you that way, but it just makes your stomach turn when some old leacherous man does it. Now you know what I'm talking about. The look that starts with his favorite body parts and either proceeds up or down your body. You might as well be nude cause you can tell he's undressed you and taken mental photographs. Maybe you like it, but I don't. At my last job there was another supervisor who was married to a big girl and apparently that was his preference. He would do that to me and it made me so mad. But as a very big girl, it didn't happen often. Now I've got to deal with that again. Since I've never been as small as I'm about to get,and people keep telling me that I'm gonna be sought after, I worry about dealing with it. Most parents gave their kids some way to combat the boogie man, for some it was a blanket, a flashlight or nightlight, a "magic" weapon to scare the boogie man away. Earlier I shared what someone gave me to deal with physical vulnerability. Now I'm going to find out how to deal with these boogie men, after all they are a part of living and while they may not be as dangerous as a real attacker, they have to be dealt with. Cause I for one refuse to stop living out of fear.
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