Several post back I told you that I was in negotiations for my value in a possible relationship. Well, I am still on the shelf. Either he didn't want to or could not afford to pay the going rate. I gotta admit, it bothers me a little and no matter how many of my friend reaffirm that it was for the best, I can't help but wonder, what if? Not only that, but over the past month...which I've been absent, I've cut a few guys. The latest was a gentlemen I met for dinner this past week. This one was ok, nothing to shout about, however he had potential. He had potential that is until I discovered I knew someone who knew someone who knew him. Turns out he "exaggerated" on a few things. Sigh...back to the board. Ok, so here's my struggle. I keep hearing over and over again how miserable lots of married people are. I even have people telling me that though they're out of marriages, they reget the marriages and the fallout. BUT I also see lots of miserable folks who don't walk away from the relationships, and I think its for the same reason I keep looking and the same reason some settle for someone who doesn't value them at the level they should. No one wants to be alone and sometimes not being alone is ok even if you're still lonely. I am having a problem walking out this holding out for someone who values me, because frankly I see few folks in relationships like that. I see a few folks who had the sense to get into a long term relationship early. They've had the opportunity to ride out some storms together and understand the value of their partner. The rest of us have grown to value ourselves for our survival skills and independent strength. Its difficult to appreciate and value what others bring to our lives. So honestly there are days where I ask "does he really have to value me at $500 per stock? Is it so bad that he's only willing to pay $250?" I mean if I can survive on that whats the big deal right? Hmmm, so I wait 20 plus years to get married and then throw it all away settling in one clown? No, not gonna happen, I guess I'll roll on into old age single, alone sometimes, making long term plans for my care, childless and whatever I'm giving up not settling. I just gotta keep believing that this reality is better than being miserable with someone who doesn't value me, lies to me, cheats on me, abuses me or any other sundry of sucky behaviors.
So I guess you'd like to know whats going on with the weightloss huh? Since July I've gone from size 32 to 24/22/20 and I even have 1 14/16 sweater. I'm not talking pounds cause frankly its not moving as fast as I'd like. I'm lighter than I've been in 5 years. Someone told me they didn't recognize me until I smiled tonight. A friend told me I move quicker than earlier this year. I wear a small heel much more often and sneakers a lot less. Oh yeah remember how I was panting as I walked into the building at work in one of my first post? Not anymore!!!!
Now the downside is that I'm able to eat more things and I really have to work at not eating emotionally. I have to be conscience of not eating along with the people I eat with. The holidays are crazy, you people do nothing but eat!!!! Lol, I didn't realize how much we eat at this time of year.
The other downside is that I REALLY thought my love life would begin to soar at this point. Seriously my love life was better at size 32. Actually it wasn't, its just that I made love to food more then and it hurt less. I could blame being single on my weight. Now I know its me and not the weight. I know that I spent or wasted years being afraid of true intimacy and letting someone in. Now I freak at the thought of not ever being able to let someone in. I've made a career of picking guys who were not able to be 100% in a relationship. Its like knowing that you keep picking the wrong road while trying to get home and if you don't do something different you will just keep driving around never arriving home. But driving around is all you've ever known...hmm.
Now the cool side of this is that the future is blank...for a controlling person thats very scary, but as a person who fears it may be too late it provides fresh hope. I mean a blank future could send anything right? right? I'm asking you...well thats what I gotta believe. That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
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