Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A little sum-sum for myself Part 3
Bringing the train into the station...I started this with a story so lets finish it with a story. Remember Cinderella, She had a man in her life who loved her and cared for her, her father. Then he remarried and died. She lost her man and gained three females. She was relegated to the fireplace and thus her name "Cinder"rella. Day in and day out she was subservient to others. Then a prince came to town, he held a ball, she was able to go, they met and he was exactly what she needed. In some stories she asked her step family to come live with them, but in most she sends them away in shame. So if you are a female, you just need a man in your life to make you happy and complete. Is it any wonder we simply expect them to know where to scratch without telling them we have an itch and that its on the back of your knee? Good girls find a man, put everything they have into being what he wants. How did Cinderella and her Godmother know what he wanted...magic thinking...happens alot with dysfunctional folks. Was this all Cinderella wanted out of life? I bet after a couple of months in the Palace Cinderella wanted to go "find herself". She spent all that time doing for her step family and then she became Mrs Charming and began to do whatever was expected of her again. I bet she didn't have a clue, she might even be the great great great grandmother of the chick from "Coming to America", (whatever you like). I titled these 3 post "a little sum-sum for myself" because we as women (sorry, I'm a woman and that's the perspective I see things from") have a tendency to give everything away even our reserves. Then we expect people to pour back into us like we've given to them. We don't take the time to figure us out. We don't see the benefit of giving ourselves the time we need to become fulfilled. We are taught, indoctrinated to not be selfish, but time and time again those around us take from us without a second thought. Its not nice that they do this and in some cases its intentional embezzlement, BUT ultimately its our fault, when it can be stopped by setting a boundary, saying no, refusing to perform without a clear understanding that there is a contract in place. In other words Lisa's expectation to be included in Charles world, plans, thoughts etc, should not be hinged on the fact that she simply fits into his world neatly. If you want to lambaste Charles for enjoying the sacrificial lamb that has simply laid itself at his feet, go ahead, but right now my concern is with getting the rest of us potential sacrificers up off that alter of "giving up my self" and putting us back on our two feet and figuring out what we, each need to take care of ourselves. Besides its about time folks learn how to make clothing with something else besides the wool off our backs. They will appreciate and VALUE us more when we finally do decide to give them some wool and we will love ourselves so much more in this mutual giving relationship than operating from a place of perceived powerlessness and manipulation. Phew! That was a lot to pull together in a closing, but I suspect this is a topic that is not over. Not the topic of Lisa and Charles, but taking care of ourselves. As a good friend of mine says, "I've done all I can do for them." lol
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Little less food and more feelings
So you know I've ventured back into meeting people via Internet. I've met another guy who had weightloss surgery(wls). I shared with him that I find I feel things deeper now, and he shared this quote of his, "You eat over what is eating you . Once you put the food down the sh*t will come up". I could not have put it better myself. See thanks to growing up in an alcoholic family, I got use to other folks telling me the equivalent of "who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?" You know its the kind of thing where you see the truth, know the truth in your gut, feel the truth in your heart, but you mom, dad, the family, etc tells you that its not true. Many times when you have someone "acting out" (running away, overly sexual, drugging, cutting, etc), they're actually saying my family is F'd up royally and this is my way of dealing with it. For some of us, we "eat over". We are the ones that go along. We go along when someone lies and we know that they know its a lie, we go along when someone runs over us, instead of setting boundaries, we go along when someone tries to dominate our lives and run it for us, we go along when a job is crappy and we are taken advantage of, we go along when someone tries to damage our self-esteem. The list goes on and on and you can add your own go along lyrics. Its as if someone reached in our brains and turned off the "you don't have to take this sh*t, you have options" button. Its classic for children of alcoholics and maybe kids from any dysfunctional background to see things in black and white. By that I mean someone disappoints you and you cut them off, cause you think that's your only option. For me in my household, it meant making decisions or drawing conclusions without all the information or with faulty information. So thinking outside the box was not a luxury we had. I personally try to intentionally think outside the box, but there are so many times I made decisions where had I taken off the blinders, I would have seen that I had other options. If you asked people I've worked for, and they were honest, I think they would probably say I don't ask enough targeted or penetrating questions. That's part of getting out the box. But it also feels like you are confronting someone, and lets face it I'm not always thrilled to do that.
Ok, so I'm getting off topic a bit. I really liked his quote cause I'm finding that as I put the food down, I have to be honest with myself about stuff and then that means I have to be honest with others, and that's where the "sh*t comes up". The other night I had the most vivid dream...those normally mean something. Anyway, my ex boyfriend and I were talking. I kept thinking, I wonder does he notice that I am so over him? Then I can't remember what he said, but I was so surprised and offended that I got up from the table where we were sitting and I told him "F*ck you!". I said it with such anger and force." It surprised me. I didn't stay to explain it or make it better for him. I actually walked away. I've never done anything like that in a dream and definitely not in real life. It was exhilarating and like my minds way of saying you're getting there. I always try to make sure people are ok, especially when I tell them something they don't want to hear. I guess I don't want them to leave hating me, but sometimes the best thing someone can do for you is to just leave. It doesn't matter whether they leave loving you or hating you...they just need to leave. That was the case with my ex and I spent several years trying to work that one through. So I'm driving into work this morning and listening to ...if you didn't say Mary J, you either just landed on the planet or this is your first time reading me. If you just landed, Mary J is actually Mary J Blige, none other than the leader of the free world. She should be your first contact here on earth. Ok, I may have overstated her importance but she should definitely be on your top 10 list of people to talk with. Anywho, I was listening to the CD "Reflections" and the title song. In the second part of the second verse she sings this
"You gotta understand
It's about
How we
Respect ourselves
And the men
Have no control
Of our self-esteem
And when
We see that
Then we can
Let go"
I had an "aha" moment...I feel dirty just using that word...lets just say the light bulb went on. Those words go beyond "men". Putting the food down, feeling stuff and expressing to others how we really feel is about respecting ourselves and no matter how they respond we are the only ones who have control over what we think of ourselves. For example, this weekend I got my hair done...(black thing, ask a sista to translate for you". On Monday I went to the gym, and got in the pool. I hate swim caps, and it irks me to see a female in one of those ten cent plastic caps in a pool. I buy chlorine removal shampoo and go on. Well I got home and my mother whines about my hair and how cute it was. She continues moaning about it and finally I said "okay which would you rather have, pretty hair or me exercising?" Mind you last week she was "asking" what exercise I was doing cause someone she talked to said they had the surgery and walking was a must, and then by sheer "coincident" my sister said she was looking for someone to walk with her...she also told me her co-worker said I was supposed to be walking. So you can imagine my shock when my mother said loud and clear, "pretty hair." I thought for a moment and then said "wrong answer" and kept walking. I guess that was a diplomatic form of saying "f*ck you". Hadn't looked at it like that until now.
What kind of twisted logic would lead someone to say your hair looking pretty is more important to me than you being healthy? The kind of logic that says appearances are important above all else. The kind of logic that says its better to keep your marriage intact than have everyone know that you are divorced. Its also the kind of logic that denies the very existence and importance of your own soul. Cause to adhere to that kind of logic you have to deny and destroy your own soul. That's getting into a post I've been working on for a while now. You'll know it when I put it up. Its actually 2-3 parts long. But today, I was just thinking how I...we have to value us. I am who I am, and I feel what I feel. I will not apologize or lie about it to make someone else feel better. I will be respectful as much as I'm allowed but I will be honest about it and I will not sit on it at the expense of me. When who I am or what I have to say is not received respectfully or responded to with anger or hurtful words I will know that I have been true to me and that alone makes me better for the process. My brother-n-laws mother use to say, "don't let someone else put stones in your wagon." Think about it, if its your wagon, you will eventually have to pull it and if you have allowed others to weigh it down, you and you alone will be dragging all that mess around. I say, give the stones back either politely or thrown if necessary. You and your wagon will go further and last longer.
Ok, so I'm getting off topic a bit. I really liked his quote cause I'm finding that as I put the food down, I have to be honest with myself about stuff and then that means I have to be honest with others, and that's where the "sh*t comes up". The other night I had the most vivid dream...those normally mean something. Anyway, my ex boyfriend and I were talking. I kept thinking, I wonder does he notice that I am so over him? Then I can't remember what he said, but I was so surprised and offended that I got up from the table where we were sitting and I told him "F*ck you!". I said it with such anger and force." It surprised me. I didn't stay to explain it or make it better for him. I actually walked away. I've never done anything like that in a dream and definitely not in real life. It was exhilarating and like my minds way of saying you're getting there. I always try to make sure people are ok, especially when I tell them something they don't want to hear. I guess I don't want them to leave hating me, but sometimes the best thing someone can do for you is to just leave. It doesn't matter whether they leave loving you or hating you...they just need to leave. That was the case with my ex and I spent several years trying to work that one through. So I'm driving into work this morning and listening to ...if you didn't say Mary J, you either just landed on the planet or this is your first time reading me. If you just landed, Mary J is actually Mary J Blige, none other than the leader of the free world. She should be your first contact here on earth. Ok, I may have overstated her importance but she should definitely be on your top 10 list of people to talk with. Anywho, I was listening to the CD "Reflections" and the title song. In the second part of the second verse she sings this
"You gotta understand
It's about
How we
Respect ourselves
And the men
Have no control
Of our self-esteem
And when
We see that
Then we can
Let go"
I had an "aha" moment...I feel dirty just using that word...lets just say the light bulb went on. Those words go beyond "men". Putting the food down, feeling stuff and expressing to others how we really feel is about respecting ourselves and no matter how they respond we are the only ones who have control over what we think of ourselves. For example, this weekend I got my hair done...(black thing, ask a sista to translate for you". On Monday I went to the gym, and got in the pool. I hate swim caps, and it irks me to see a female in one of those ten cent plastic caps in a pool. I buy chlorine removal shampoo and go on. Well I got home and my mother whines about my hair and how cute it was. She continues moaning about it and finally I said "okay which would you rather have, pretty hair or me exercising?" Mind you last week she was "asking" what exercise I was doing cause someone she talked to said they had the surgery and walking was a must, and then by sheer "coincident" my sister said she was looking for someone to walk with her...she also told me her co-worker said I was supposed to be walking. So you can imagine my shock when my mother said loud and clear, "pretty hair." I thought for a moment and then said "wrong answer" and kept walking. I guess that was a diplomatic form of saying "f*ck you". Hadn't looked at it like that until now.
What kind of twisted logic would lead someone to say your hair looking pretty is more important to me than you being healthy? The kind of logic that says appearances are important above all else. The kind of logic that says its better to keep your marriage intact than have everyone know that you are divorced. Its also the kind of logic that denies the very existence and importance of your own soul. Cause to adhere to that kind of logic you have to deny and destroy your own soul. That's getting into a post I've been working on for a while now. You'll know it when I put it up. Its actually 2-3 parts long. But today, I was just thinking how I...we have to value us. I am who I am, and I feel what I feel. I will not apologize or lie about it to make someone else feel better. I will be respectful as much as I'm allowed but I will be honest about it and I will not sit on it at the expense of me. When who I am or what I have to say is not received respectfully or responded to with anger or hurtful words I will know that I have been true to me and that alone makes me better for the process. My brother-n-laws mother use to say, "don't let someone else put stones in your wagon." Think about it, if its your wagon, you will eventually have to pull it and if you have allowed others to weigh it down, you and you alone will be dragging all that mess around. I say, give the stones back either politely or thrown if necessary. You and your wagon will go further and last longer.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Staying true to the mission
I was reading my blurb on this page about why I'm writing and I wondered if I was being true to it, because I rarely ever talk about actual eating, the surgery and such except when I'm processing something. But you know, I spent all my life focusing on my weight. I thought about how it kept me from love, how I needed to find just the right diet, how I wasn't pretty enough, how I physically couldn't do certain things, how I was a failure and weak for not losing it, how I was a disappointment to my family cause they were waiting for me to marry and have kids. Heck I spent enough time on the weight, I want to talk about the issues that I lumped into the food I ate to deal with the freaking weight. I just didn't have the time, energy and where with all to deal with the true issues of life. So forgive me if I'm not talking about the actual weightloss enough. Obesityhelp.com and bariatriceating.com are wonderful places for that. I'm tryng to get free over here and whatever I need to talk about is what I'll be pounding out on this laptop. Thanks for humoring me with comments and even smiley faces! I hope something either makes you laugh, clicks for you, or just makes you appreciate that you aren't as nutty as me. That's cool cause I'm getting mine so you might as well do the same.
Jaded or realistic or phobic?
My sister's going through divorce # 2...she's thin, My friend is living with her mom after a divorce...she's skinny, tall, leggy and light complexioned, my friend is separated...men get mesmerized by her booty, my friend is still dealing with the repercussions of her divorce...she's a cute small Asian, Vanessa Williams, Halle Berry, Jennifer Anniston, on and on it goes. Check out this link.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31377503/ns/today_weddings/
Ok so if you read, some of the comments in the past I believe one alluded to me eventually discovering that weight was not the whole issue regarding me and relationships. I knew that...intellectually, but not in my heart. Then a friend told me I would get treated differently by men. He even told me to test the theory by reposting an ad I have on a dating site. Leave the one I have now with an old picture, but cut and paste the words with a picture when I hit goal weight. His theory is the treatment of both ads will be different. A few weeks ago we were talking about what I was doing in between that, as far as responding and actively checking the post. Both he and another friend suggested I fly the flag up the pole now and see whats out there. So I did and I've gotten responses from several guys. Now here's where we get into the reason for this post. I know men are visual creatures, but my god! What is it with them and breast? Why do men come in so many different varieties? Some are funny, some are not, some are assertive and some are not, some want to lead, some don't, on and on, how is a girl suppose to know how to land one! They are suppose to be the simple creatures and we are suppose to be complicated. I am absolutely terrified. At first I thought I was jaded because of all the divorce, separation, cheating and general unhappiness I see and hear about in marriage. Then I thought maybe I'm looking at folks and simply being realistic about the fact that relationships simply aren't what they are cracked up to be. I wondered if I have lived single too long to be with someone happily. I wondered if I have too much baggage. I wonder if I simply don't have what it takes to be in an on-going relationship...and there's not a book, therapist, or church out there that can help me. If you're thinking, "dag, home girl has gone off the edge." You would be right except that I grabbed a limb and pulled myself back up. You know I will be the first to admit that some of whats out there in the dating pool should make me, you and every other intelligent woman just a bit afraid. I will also admit that we all have folks in our lives who's relationships have gone south real fast and real bad. Can we also admit that we enjoy vacations and trips that we didn't have to take someone along, or make sure he was ok about us going and we really love spending our money the way we want? Ok lets just get that all out of our systems before I go on. Deep breath in and relaxing breath out. That stuff aside whats the deal?
A couple of weeks ago a new acquaintance suggested to a group of us, a new sexual idea. It was a very intimate act involving oils, no clothes and lots of body contact. Well, it sounded good and I am all for trying it. HOWEVER me being me, I got stuck on how very intimate the act is. No doubt it will be enjoyable and lead to some (throat clearing sound), nice action afterwards, but again it is a very intimate act. I couldn't help but wonder how many times someone had pulled this one out of their bag of goodies and shared it with someone who wasn't ready or worthy of that type of intimacy. So now we are headed where I want to go...almost. I think that particular sex act is like marriage or long term relationships. Speaking for me, I've layed out the red carpet and put up a blinking neon sign indicating "Pearly Gates this way". To put it the way the Bible has, I have cast pearls before swines. You know, basically done everything including the dance of the seven veils to get him locked down. If you meet me, you might not guess it, but I am an encore kinda girl. I can still count my partners on one hand, but don't sleep on me...I got some skills and all of them have come back for more, and the reviews are all good...ok so there was one complaint. But, I'm a quick study, or as Mae West puts it when, "I'm good, I'm good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better!", and the complainer turned out to be my most ardent fan. Damn I'm good. Sorry but my momma says, "Its a po' frog that don't praise his own pond." Think on that one for a minute, its really quite deep.
Anywho, I said that to say, I am still a single woman. Obviously skills alone can't lock em down, no matter how many times we hear that myth. I think I've mistaken sex for intimacy and given sex, rather than getting to be truly intimate. This is not a wait speech. You do you, I got to answer for me and you got to answer for you. No, this is a I'm scared of real intimacy speech. Something about the act mentioned above really freaked me out. I've had to let it bounce around in my brain for two weeks before I could put my finger on it. I have always wanted to have a perfect body. I'm always amazed at compliments I get about my body. I know no one has a perfect body, but I still wonder what his first reaction will be, when he realizes I don't look like what he's seen somewhere else. I know I'm not alone cause I've heard of women who won't have sex with the lights on. Ok, I guess the saving grace for me is that I'm nosey...lol.
Just as the woman having sex in the dark fears what her lover will think when he gets a good view of her body, I fear what my lover will think when he knows the real me. The woman in the dark doesn't realize that until she turns on the light and fully embraces who she is, she is preventing her lover from completely consuming and loving all that she is. I am amazed at the human heart's ability to love. You've had those moments too. The man who marries a woman with no legs, the woman who marries a man who is able to move only his head. Those stories always touch me and frankly send me back to the drawing board asking "what's wrong with me? If they can find love, why can't I?". I think this right here is a big part of it. I suspect that men may be simple, but they aren't simpletons and somewhere in their guts, the men in my past have had that little feeling that something wasn't quite right. I don't know maybe one may have even said something like this to his best bud, "you know the other night I was with her and things were good, but I had the feeling she wasn't all there. I keep thinking there's some of her that I don't have, and I wonder what she's hiding." Think I'm reaching at straws? In sharing, I had a friend share a similar conversation her lover had with her. This was a long term relationship where it was clear he would climb the tallest mountain to get her whatever she needed or desired, but he said he knew for certain there were parts of her he was not allowed into. Maybe after all of this, it really isn't the weight that has kept me out of a long term relationship. The weight may have been the first line of defense to keep me out of true intimacy...and consequently kept me from the hurt I feared so much. Unfortunately its also kept me from the love I wanted so much. So, now I have to figure out how to get some emotional oil in preparation for some very up close and personal soul rubbing. If he sticks around after that, I might just bless him with the real oil, hehehe!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31377503/ns/today_weddings/
Ok so if you read, some of the comments in the past I believe one alluded to me eventually discovering that weight was not the whole issue regarding me and relationships. I knew that...intellectually, but not in my heart. Then a friend told me I would get treated differently by men. He even told me to test the theory by reposting an ad I have on a dating site. Leave the one I have now with an old picture, but cut and paste the words with a picture when I hit goal weight. His theory is the treatment of both ads will be different. A few weeks ago we were talking about what I was doing in between that, as far as responding and actively checking the post. Both he and another friend suggested I fly the flag up the pole now and see whats out there. So I did and I've gotten responses from several guys. Now here's where we get into the reason for this post. I know men are visual creatures, but my god! What is it with them and breast? Why do men come in so many different varieties? Some are funny, some are not, some are assertive and some are not, some want to lead, some don't, on and on, how is a girl suppose to know how to land one! They are suppose to be the simple creatures and we are suppose to be complicated. I am absolutely terrified. At first I thought I was jaded because of all the divorce, separation, cheating and general unhappiness I see and hear about in marriage. Then I thought maybe I'm looking at folks and simply being realistic about the fact that relationships simply aren't what they are cracked up to be. I wondered if I have lived single too long to be with someone happily. I wondered if I have too much baggage. I wonder if I simply don't have what it takes to be in an on-going relationship...and there's not a book, therapist, or church out there that can help me. If you're thinking, "dag, home girl has gone off the edge." You would be right except that I grabbed a limb and pulled myself back up. You know I will be the first to admit that some of whats out there in the dating pool should make me, you and every other intelligent woman just a bit afraid. I will also admit that we all have folks in our lives who's relationships have gone south real fast and real bad. Can we also admit that we enjoy vacations and trips that we didn't have to take someone along, or make sure he was ok about us going and we really love spending our money the way we want? Ok lets just get that all out of our systems before I go on. Deep breath in and relaxing breath out. That stuff aside whats the deal?
A couple of weeks ago a new acquaintance suggested to a group of us, a new sexual idea. It was a very intimate act involving oils, no clothes and lots of body contact. Well, it sounded good and I am all for trying it. HOWEVER me being me, I got stuck on how very intimate the act is. No doubt it will be enjoyable and lead to some (throat clearing sound), nice action afterwards, but again it is a very intimate act. I couldn't help but wonder how many times someone had pulled this one out of their bag of goodies and shared it with someone who wasn't ready or worthy of that type of intimacy. So now we are headed where I want to go...almost. I think that particular sex act is like marriage or long term relationships. Speaking for me, I've layed out the red carpet and put up a blinking neon sign indicating "Pearly Gates this way". To put it the way the Bible has, I have cast pearls before swines. You know, basically done everything including the dance of the seven veils to get him locked down. If you meet me, you might not guess it, but I am an encore kinda girl. I can still count my partners on one hand, but don't sleep on me...I got some skills and all of them have come back for more, and the reviews are all good...ok so there was one complaint. But, I'm a quick study, or as Mae West puts it when, "I'm good, I'm good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better!", and the complainer turned out to be my most ardent fan. Damn I'm good. Sorry but my momma says, "Its a po' frog that don't praise his own pond." Think on that one for a minute, its really quite deep.
Anywho, I said that to say, I am still a single woman. Obviously skills alone can't lock em down, no matter how many times we hear that myth. I think I've mistaken sex for intimacy and given sex, rather than getting to be truly intimate. This is not a wait speech. You do you, I got to answer for me and you got to answer for you. No, this is a I'm scared of real intimacy speech. Something about the act mentioned above really freaked me out. I've had to let it bounce around in my brain for two weeks before I could put my finger on it. I have always wanted to have a perfect body. I'm always amazed at compliments I get about my body. I know no one has a perfect body, but I still wonder what his first reaction will be, when he realizes I don't look like what he's seen somewhere else. I know I'm not alone cause I've heard of women who won't have sex with the lights on. Ok, I guess the saving grace for me is that I'm nosey...lol.
Just as the woman having sex in the dark fears what her lover will think when he gets a good view of her body, I fear what my lover will think when he knows the real me. The woman in the dark doesn't realize that until she turns on the light and fully embraces who she is, she is preventing her lover from completely consuming and loving all that she is. I am amazed at the human heart's ability to love. You've had those moments too. The man who marries a woman with no legs, the woman who marries a man who is able to move only his head. Those stories always touch me and frankly send me back to the drawing board asking "what's wrong with me? If they can find love, why can't I?". I think this right here is a big part of it. I suspect that men may be simple, but they aren't simpletons and somewhere in their guts, the men in my past have had that little feeling that something wasn't quite right. I don't know maybe one may have even said something like this to his best bud, "you know the other night I was with her and things were good, but I had the feeling she wasn't all there. I keep thinking there's some of her that I don't have, and I wonder what she's hiding." Think I'm reaching at straws? In sharing, I had a friend share a similar conversation her lover had with her. This was a long term relationship where it was clear he would climb the tallest mountain to get her whatever she needed or desired, but he said he knew for certain there were parts of her he was not allowed into. Maybe after all of this, it really isn't the weight that has kept me out of a long term relationship. The weight may have been the first line of defense to keep me out of true intimacy...and consequently kept me from the hurt I feared so much. Unfortunately its also kept me from the love I wanted so much. So, now I have to figure out how to get some emotional oil in preparation for some very up close and personal soul rubbing. If he sticks around after that, I might just bless him with the real oil, hehehe!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
representing and being yourself
I was holding a CD case for a friend and wandered over into his southern rap section. I was curious, so I popped in one with Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys. The song is Bia Bia. I have to "edit" it a lot, but I'm going somewhere with this.
Well get 'em up (Get 'em up)
Put 'em up (Put 'em up)
Stop actin' like a b*tch and get yo hands up
Well get 'em up (Get 'em up)
Put 'em up (Put 'em up)
Stop actin' like a b*tch and get yo hands up
Well where you from N (Where you from)
Where you from N (Where you from)
GD mother*** where you from (Where you from)
Well where you from N (Where you from)
Where you from N (Where you from)
GD mother**** where you from (Where you from)
Well represent yo sh*t - represent yo sh*t
Say f**k that clique - say f**k that clique
Represent yo sh*t - represent yo sh*t
Say f**k that clique - say f**k that clique
Well you scared (You scared) - You scared (You scared)
Stop actin' like a b*tch you scared (You scared)
You scared (You scared) - You scared (You scared)
Stop actin' like a b*tch you scared (You scared)
Wow that was work! Ok stick with me, I'm going somewhere. Now before I get there, let me quote one of my absolute favorite lyrics. Whodini did a song called "Be yourself". They did a really interesting collaboration and what I thought was a killer funny closer on that song. Millie Jackson did the rap/song with them, and this is the closing of the song delivered deliciously by Ms. Jackson:....ok sorry there must be some trademark issue with the song and video online. Somebody post the lyrics please. Anywho this is strictly my paraphrase. The song is about people who can't or won't be themselves. Millie Jackson ends it with words to the effect that if she had been someone else, Diana Ross wouldn't have been the boss, she would have been, but oh no she insisted on talking dirty, that's her, doggone it, "I'm being myself!!!". Actually she didn't say doggone it...
Theres a lot to be said for being yourself these days. It ain't easy, its not what people really want from you, and there are certainly easier ways to be successful and make friends.
What brought this on right? Lots of stuff, but the biggie was a friend telling me what she heard about Micheal Jackson's autopsy. He apparently had hair on his head that didn't grow there. There was evidence of at least 13 plastic surgeries. The list goes on...google it. It really hurt my heart, but what hurt even more was that someone then made a crack about his real nose being huge. This man struggled with his identity and public acceptance and even in death some can't give him a break.
It hit me, Damn this man was internationally known and loved, but it still didn't get him a pass with critical people. Guess I'm not gonna get a pass. Well then I might as well be myself. I mean you're gonna get judged and mercilessly by some so f**k it, be yourself. Worry about what God thinks and screw the rest. If Micheal Jackson had taken advise from the song "Bia Bia", he probably would be alive now. He would be darker, heavier, bald or close kinky cut, nose about the size of Jimmie Walker's. I don't know if he would have been as creative. I can only speak for me. Yes I am very creative and I have done lots that folks appreciated and raved about. The problem is that after each accomplishment, I felt the need to do more for some body's approval. Hot damn its feeling real good to not do a thing when I don't feel like it! I never noticed how many folks use Jedi mind tricks to guilt you into sh*t. I thought it was just my mother, but I guess we all do it from time to time. What we don't realize is that what we want from someone is not the only thing that people want from someone. See if I get manipulated at work, then I get manipulated at the store by someone wanting to get ahead of me in the line, and then my boyfriend manipulates me for something (no you didn't miss anything, I just threw that one in there)and then I get manipulated at home, if I don't draw the line or simply ignore some of these, I'm giving all of me to people who may or may not really mean something in my life. I know how that feels. It feels exactly like a late night run to McDonalds for a Big Mac value meal, a candy bar and kettle style chips. I really thought I'd miss those super-sized fries...but I don't. I steal fries off the plates of friends from time to time, but on the whole I would rather really take care of me and skip the fries, so if you hear my family, friends or co-workers calling me selfish, self centered, and a lot less responsive to their plight in life just give em a good ole southern "h*ll yeh, but d*mn she sho looking good!"
Well get 'em up (Get 'em up)
Put 'em up (Put 'em up)
Stop actin' like a b*tch and get yo hands up
Well get 'em up (Get 'em up)
Put 'em up (Put 'em up)
Stop actin' like a b*tch and get yo hands up
Well where you from N (Where you from)
Where you from N (Where you from)
GD mother*** where you from (Where you from)
Well where you from N (Where you from)
Where you from N (Where you from)
GD mother**** where you from (Where you from)
Well represent yo sh*t - represent yo sh*t
Say f**k that clique - say f**k that clique
Represent yo sh*t - represent yo sh*t
Say f**k that clique - say f**k that clique
Well you scared (You scared) - You scared (You scared)
Stop actin' like a b*tch you scared (You scared)
You scared (You scared) - You scared (You scared)
Stop actin' like a b*tch you scared (You scared)
Wow that was work! Ok stick with me, I'm going somewhere. Now before I get there, let me quote one of my absolute favorite lyrics. Whodini did a song called "Be yourself". They did a really interesting collaboration and what I thought was a killer funny closer on that song. Millie Jackson did the rap/song with them, and this is the closing of the song delivered deliciously by Ms. Jackson:....ok sorry there must be some trademark issue with the song and video online. Somebody post the lyrics please. Anywho this is strictly my paraphrase. The song is about people who can't or won't be themselves. Millie Jackson ends it with words to the effect that if she had been someone else, Diana Ross wouldn't have been the boss, she would have been, but oh no she insisted on talking dirty, that's her, doggone it, "I'm being myself!!!". Actually she didn't say doggone it...
Theres a lot to be said for being yourself these days. It ain't easy, its not what people really want from you, and there are certainly easier ways to be successful and make friends.
What brought this on right? Lots of stuff, but the biggie was a friend telling me what she heard about Micheal Jackson's autopsy. He apparently had hair on his head that didn't grow there. There was evidence of at least 13 plastic surgeries. The list goes on...google it. It really hurt my heart, but what hurt even more was that someone then made a crack about his real nose being huge. This man struggled with his identity and public acceptance and even in death some can't give him a break.
It hit me, Damn this man was internationally known and loved, but it still didn't get him a pass with critical people. Guess I'm not gonna get a pass. Well then I might as well be myself. I mean you're gonna get judged and mercilessly by some so f**k it, be yourself. Worry about what God thinks and screw the rest. If Micheal Jackson had taken advise from the song "Bia Bia", he probably would be alive now. He would be darker, heavier, bald or close kinky cut, nose about the size of Jimmie Walker's. I don't know if he would have been as creative. I can only speak for me. Yes I am very creative and I have done lots that folks appreciated and raved about. The problem is that after each accomplishment, I felt the need to do more for some body's approval. Hot damn its feeling real good to not do a thing when I don't feel like it! I never noticed how many folks use Jedi mind tricks to guilt you into sh*t. I thought it was just my mother, but I guess we all do it from time to time. What we don't realize is that what we want from someone is not the only thing that people want from someone. See if I get manipulated at work, then I get manipulated at the store by someone wanting to get ahead of me in the line, and then my boyfriend manipulates me for something (no you didn't miss anything, I just threw that one in there)and then I get manipulated at home, if I don't draw the line or simply ignore some of these, I'm giving all of me to people who may or may not really mean something in my life. I know how that feels. It feels exactly like a late night run to McDonalds for a Big Mac value meal, a candy bar and kettle style chips. I really thought I'd miss those super-sized fries...but I don't. I steal fries off the plates of friends from time to time, but on the whole I would rather really take care of me and skip the fries, so if you hear my family, friends or co-workers calling me selfish, self centered, and a lot less responsive to their plight in life just give em a good ole southern "h*ll yeh, but d*mn she sho looking good!"
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Hardest working "B" in America
Since the rap culture made calling females "b*tch*s a past time, White America has blown the word up and taken it to a whole new level. In the movie "In Her Shoes", a main character sleeps with a guy and he ask her "does this make me your b*tch?" It has become an acceptable term of endearment. Women wear it with pleasure and men say it with pride. I know, I know, I was not born in an era that makes it easy for me to even think of me being ok with a man calling me his "B". But you know if the truth is told and we own up to it, we have owned a "B" or we have been...or we are some one's "B". In friendship, work relationships, marriages, love interest etc. Someone is on top and someone is on bottom.
I've been both and depending on the relationship,who it was and what I was getting out of it, I've enjoyed top and bottom. I was advising a friend about basically being a female's financial "B". Being a female, I had a strong suspicion that she was making a royal "B" out of him. He then advised me that there is a difference between knowing that you are being taken advantage of and allowing it to occur, as opposed to having no clue what's happening. I shook my head and and admired his soft heart and frankly in my opinion at that time, soft head. A few months later a close relationship began to fall apart. I was frustrated by my attempts to salvage it. I was seeing behavior I didn't understand and couldn't reconcile with the meaning of the word "friend". The same friend came back to me and held up the proverbial mirror. What I admired most was that he initially supported my efforts occasionally challenging how I was viewing the situation. I also had another friend and they were each echoing one another's opinions. I began to realize that I was the emotional "B" in this other relationship. I was in awe of the other person, thought there was none cuter, none as sophisticated or charmer. I even wondered how it was that the friend hung out with me as opposed to this other person. I envied the attention she garnered on the street, and relegated myself to side kick. She didn't do this, I did. I created this classism in our relationship. Sad thing is this wasn't the first time. I had made myself the sidekick or Egor in several friendships. You've heard guys say that fine women have ugly friends. I'm not sure who uses who. Is it the fine woman making herself feel better or is it the woman who perceives herself as ugly or less attractive using the "fine" woman. The difference this time around was that I was in the process of metamorphosis. I first discovered the meaning of the words "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". Someone made me feel desired, wanted and heaven help me, sexy. I bought my first pair of thongs. Yes my big behind in a thong. Learned a few new things and did a few new things. It was like priming the pump. Other's began to respond differently and before I knew it, I had more going on than my light weight friends. I began to look at the change in my attitude and the correlation to how men responded to me. By this time I had made up my mind to have the surgery. I didn't know how, but I was putting all sorts of crazy ideas out there. I even posted a marriage proposal on Craigslist for any willing military man who was living in the closet. The military insurance benefits are some of the best. I was ready to move on and I would have done whatever it took.
Being a "pretty" girl's B*tch was growing old. But first I had to acknowledge it. Never really thought of it until the afore mentioned friend restated his comment about knowing when you are being used and being able to make a choice in the situation. Then another friend posed this question, "what are you getting from this and why can't you let it go?.
Maybe I'll tell you one day my answer and how it turned out, but today I want to ask you if you are the B*tch in a situation have you named it and owned it? Is it where you want to be right now? Are you learning something, growing, benefiting in anyway that's meaningful for you? If its not working for you and the only person benefiting from it is the person who owns you, why do you continue? No matter what the situation, there is a way out IF you want it. I am the last person to get phony and start running down to you about just do it. I don't know you, only you know you. If its what you want and its where you want to be, own it, wear it with pride and be the best "B" in that situation. In the intro to one of her live songs, Mary J ask the women in the audience who knew that no other "B" could f*ck with them. You get that kind of swagger from knowing and owning what you are in that moment and that yours is the tightest anywhere around and truly "can't no other "B" f*ck with you". Its now one less thing that I get real twisted about. I absolutely refuse to be the "B" in my friendships. Heck, I try not to be the "B" in my family...except for my mom. I know it and I own that one. Me, my possessions and my finances are b*tches at her command. Don't get me wrong that aint a 24/7 thing and I take time off so I can come back refreshed and ready to be tight again. I ain't gonna lie, in feeling a man, I have been that kinda of "B" for my man too and would be for the right one in the future. What I'm saying is you gotta call it what it is...be honest with yourself.
I've been both and depending on the relationship,who it was and what I was getting out of it, I've enjoyed top and bottom. I was advising a friend about basically being a female's financial "B". Being a female, I had a strong suspicion that she was making a royal "B" out of him. He then advised me that there is a difference between knowing that you are being taken advantage of and allowing it to occur, as opposed to having no clue what's happening. I shook my head and and admired his soft heart and frankly in my opinion at that time, soft head. A few months later a close relationship began to fall apart. I was frustrated by my attempts to salvage it. I was seeing behavior I didn't understand and couldn't reconcile with the meaning of the word "friend". The same friend came back to me and held up the proverbial mirror. What I admired most was that he initially supported my efforts occasionally challenging how I was viewing the situation. I also had another friend and they were each echoing one another's opinions. I began to realize that I was the emotional "B" in this other relationship. I was in awe of the other person, thought there was none cuter, none as sophisticated or charmer. I even wondered how it was that the friend hung out with me as opposed to this other person. I envied the attention she garnered on the street, and relegated myself to side kick. She didn't do this, I did. I created this classism in our relationship. Sad thing is this wasn't the first time. I had made myself the sidekick or Egor in several friendships. You've heard guys say that fine women have ugly friends. I'm not sure who uses who. Is it the fine woman making herself feel better or is it the woman who perceives herself as ugly or less attractive using the "fine" woman. The difference this time around was that I was in the process of metamorphosis. I first discovered the meaning of the words "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". Someone made me feel desired, wanted and heaven help me, sexy. I bought my first pair of thongs. Yes my big behind in a thong. Learned a few new things and did a few new things. It was like priming the pump. Other's began to respond differently and before I knew it, I had more going on than my light weight friends. I began to look at the change in my attitude and the correlation to how men responded to me. By this time I had made up my mind to have the surgery. I didn't know how, but I was putting all sorts of crazy ideas out there. I even posted a marriage proposal on Craigslist for any willing military man who was living in the closet. The military insurance benefits are some of the best. I was ready to move on and I would have done whatever it took.
Being a "pretty" girl's B*tch was growing old. But first I had to acknowledge it. Never really thought of it until the afore mentioned friend restated his comment about knowing when you are being used and being able to make a choice in the situation. Then another friend posed this question, "what are you getting from this and why can't you let it go?.
Maybe I'll tell you one day my answer and how it turned out, but today I want to ask you if you are the B*tch in a situation have you named it and owned it? Is it where you want to be right now? Are you learning something, growing, benefiting in anyway that's meaningful for you? If its not working for you and the only person benefiting from it is the person who owns you, why do you continue? No matter what the situation, there is a way out IF you want it. I am the last person to get phony and start running down to you about just do it. I don't know you, only you know you. If its what you want and its where you want to be, own it, wear it with pride and be the best "B" in that situation. In the intro to one of her live songs, Mary J ask the women in the audience who knew that no other "B" could f*ck with them. You get that kind of swagger from knowing and owning what you are in that moment and that yours is the tightest anywhere around and truly "can't no other "B" f*ck with you". Its now one less thing that I get real twisted about. I absolutely refuse to be the "B" in my friendships. Heck, I try not to be the "B" in my family...except for my mom. I know it and I own that one. Me, my possessions and my finances are b*tches at her command. Don't get me wrong that aint a 24/7 thing and I take time off so I can come back refreshed and ready to be tight again. I ain't gonna lie, in feeling a man, I have been that kinda of "B" for my man too and would be for the right one in the future. What I'm saying is you gotta call it what it is...be honest with yourself.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Praise Break
Today I was sitting in the little girl's room struggling a lot less inside that teeny tiny stall and I thought, it was time to have a "praise break". When I started blogging, I was waddling up the hill into my building and laboring hard to breathe. I was having to do acrobats in the little girl's room just to handle my business. Today I did the swipe and go deal. The pants I had on, had a zipper, which I had to struggle to pull on a couple of months ago. Now those same pants, bag and zip easily. I hated rolling the trash receptacle to the road and walking back up the driveway...ok I still hate that, but its a quick stroll now. I have a "too big" pile started. From a size 32 to squeezing into some 22s. More like a solid 26, but I'm sliding into the 24s. I am pleased with my progress. I would like to have lost more, but I am pleased with myself. I have passed what I thought I was limited to losing. I thought I could only loose about 30 pounds. I expected to hit that and stop losing. Anywho, I am crazy sleepy so I'm going to bed and I will finish two of the three blogs I'm working on tomorrow (you can't see it but I my toes are crossed in hope). If you have made any progress towards your goal, stop, take a moment and pat yourself on the back. In fact I'm doing the "WAVE" for you, woo hoo! Good night and happy losing to you!
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