Its about what you worth

I am the entertainer,
The idol of my age.
I make all kinds of money,
When I go on the stage.
Ah, you've seen me in the papers,
I've been in the magazines.
But if I go cold,
I won't get sold.
I'll get put in the back
In the discount rack,
Like another can of beans.

I am the entertainer,
And I know just where I stand:
Another serenader,
And another long-haired band.
Today I am your champion.
I may have won your hearts.
But I know the game,
You will forget my name,
And I won't be here
In another year,
If I don't stay on the charts.
That's from "The Entertainer" by Billy Joel. I think lots of times we think and treat ourselves like this song. We think if we don't keep doing for others, (most of the time that translates to men) we will decrease in value and be put on the discount rack. What many of us, ok this is my stuff so I'll own it. What I've done most of my life is do, and do and do and do, give and give and give, hoping that my value will be seen and appreciated. Back to that family stuff. Recently my brother has been sick. He has for the most part given us, his birth family his a** to kiss. He hasn't been mean about it, and he has lots of adoring fans, but when your father dies, it typically means the son steps up, ensuring to the welfare of his female family members. Well that's never been a strong suit for him. Its flipped in our family. He comes to us for things. Its a weird arrangement, but I finally got today. He treats my mother like the can peas on the discount rack, and she gushes and does even more for him and his family. In their eyes we have minimal value. He has always placed great value on light complexioned women including his wife. We are not light complexioned. Yet, my mother continues to woo him, celebrating any crumbs he throws her way. And that's where I got it from. Unlearning it has been a b*tch. I'm stilling struggling with it. But here's the deal in a nutshell, if I truly believe I have worth and value, why wouldn't I demand that full price be paid for me? Why wouldn't I demand to be treated as a thing of value. I don't mean gold digging. I mean basic common courtesy. I treat you with respect, you do the same. I make time for you, you do the same. I date you exclusively, you do the same. You make request of me and expect me to comply, I get the same in return. I am open with you, you are open with me. Why is that so hard for women to require. For me it has been that I thought men would see what I did and assign appropriate value. Unfortunately, I was advised that you have to help them appreciate and value you. I know, you probably missed that class too. It was given by fathers who had time to be involved and understood they had daughters to prepare for the world. It was demonstrated by mothers who had good self-worth or understood basic economics. You don't flood the market with anything, cause the value will plummet. You release a little bit at the time and sometimes you completely pull the product from the market. Remember Cabbage Patch dolls and Elmo? People went crazy for those items and they were selling for outrageous prices when they were in low supply, but high demand. As my favorite philosopher says:

I know how to show a little somethin, somethin
You can't see what's under there
Cause I'm a grown woman
I'm so sexy
Remain a mystery
Cause everybody always want what they can't see
And what they can't have
And what they can't grab
And what they can't buy
From "Grown Woman", Mary J, of course! That's the way it works in love too. Your momma or grandma was right. Give away everything and he won't value you. Don't get me wrong, you may get him, you may land him and you may keep him, but how will he treat and KEEP you? Will he treat you like a baseball cap he got on the Avenue in a knock off store or will he treat you like a certified authentic baseball cap he purchased in a high end sports memorabilia store? You know how he tosses that Ave, cap on the floor when he's pissed, but not the real deal. He always remembers to put it on the dresser. He creases it before he puts it on and checks it again when its on, and gives it a special smile. So its really up to me or you how we will be treated. Now here's the kicker. Sometimes it means being left in the store. I'm in negotiations right now, its day been a full day and so far I'm still on the rack. I got picked up, looked at and then he had the nerve to try and tell me what I was gonna sell for! So the manager put him out the store. He was bewildered, because its obviously his normal way to shop, and honestly it was my normal way to sell. I would have lost my shirt a long time ago if this were really a store, cause I've been selling myself short. Don't misunderstand me. This is not a negotiation for sex. This is a negotiation for how he will treat and keep me. Sex negotiations are at least 90 days down the road...at a minimum. Its scary as all get out, cause he comes with a lot of the outward attributes I said I want, and I am hoping that he will go down the block consider what he's seen so far, come to the conclusion that its worth the initial asking price. If he doesn't, he wasn't going to value me no matter how long I gave him or WHAT I gave him. But its tough to think that I could lower the price and he would stay. So I'll admit I got nervous and I bought a chocolate bar, I got some comfort food...nothing seriously bad, and I went to the gym (there and the shower are my favorite places to think). I resolved that I want the relationship I told you about yesterday and I want to be valued in that relationship, so I decided to move my products to Fifth Avenue where they belong and not allow them to leave the store until someone came along who understood good quality and was willing to get up off the cash for it. AGAIN let me be clear, I don't mean cash literally, I mean how he treats and keeps you. Most of us could have an on going relationship if we would just lower the price enough, but would everyone want Gucci or St John's if they started selling it at the Dollar Store and if they did buy it, it would be the first thing they tossed on the floor when they took it off at night. Now to understand the title of this post, go rent, borrow or buy "The Joy Luck Club". Its a phrase during the conversation about Snicker pie. Have tissue, this movie is a chick flick to its heart, but its quite empowering. Cause truly, "Its about what you worth".

Little less food and more feelings

So you know I've ventured back into meeting people via Internet. I've met another guy who had weightloss surgery(wls). I shared with him that I find I feel things deeper now, and he shared this quote of his, "You eat over what is eating you . Once you put the food down the sh*t will come up". I could not have put it better myself. See thanks to growing up in an alcoholic family, I got use to other folks telling me the equivalent of "who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?" You know its the kind of thing where you see the truth, know the truth in your gut, feel the truth in your heart, but you mom, dad, the family, etc tells you that its not true. Many times when you have someone "acting out" (running away, overly sexual, drugging, cutting, etc), they're actually saying my family is F'd up royally and this is my way of dealing with it. For some of us, we "eat over". We are the ones that go along. We go along when someone lies and we know that they know its a lie, we go along when someone runs over us, instead of setting boundaries, we go along when someone tries to dominate our lives and run it for us, we go along when a job is crappy and we are taken advantage of, we go along when someone tries to damage our self-esteem. The list goes on and on and you can add your own go along lyrics. Its as if someone reached in our brains and turned off the "you don't have to take this sh*t, you have options" button. Its classic for children of alcoholics and maybe kids from any dysfunctional background to see things in black and white. By that I mean someone disappoints you and you cut them off, cause you think that's your only option. For me in my household, it meant making decisions or drawing conclusions without all the information or with faulty information. So thinking outside the box was not a luxury we had. I personally try to intentionally think outside the box, but there are so many times I made decisions where had I taken off the blinders, I would have seen that I had other options. If you asked people I've worked for, and they were honest, I think they would probably say I don't ask enough targeted or penetrating questions. That's part of getting out the box. But it also feels like you are confronting someone, and lets face it I'm not always thrilled to do that.

Ok, so I'm getting off topic a bit. I really liked his quote cause I'm finding that as I put the food down, I have to be honest with myself about stuff and then that means I have to be honest with others, and that's where the "sh*t comes up". The other night I had the most vivid dream...those normally mean something. Anyway, my ex boyfriend and I were talking. I kept thinking, I wonder does he notice that I am so over him? Then I can't remember what he said, but I was so surprised and offended that I got up from the table where we were sitting and I told him "F*ck you!". I said it with such anger and force." It surprised me. I didn't stay to explain it or make it better for him. I actually walked away. I've never done anything like that in a dream and definitely not in real life. It was exhilarating and like my minds way of saying you're getting there. I always try to make sure people are ok, especially when I tell them something they don't want to hear. I guess I don't want them to leave hating me, but sometimes the best thing someone can do for you is to just leave. It doesn't matter whether they leave loving you or hating you...they just need to leave. That was the case with my ex and I spent several years trying to work that one through. So I'm driving into work this morning and listening to ...if you didn't say Mary J, you either just landed on the planet or this is your first time reading me. If you just landed, Mary J is actually Mary J Blige, none other than the leader of the free world. She should be your first contact here on earth. Ok, I may have overstated her importance but she should definitely be on your top 10 list of people to talk with. Anywho, I was listening to the CD "Reflections" and the title song. In the second part of the second verse she sings this
"You gotta understand
It's about
How we
Respect ourselves
And the men
Have no control
Of our self-esteem
And when
We see that
Then we can
Let go"
I had an "aha" moment...I feel dirty just using that word...lets just say the light bulb went on. Those words go beyond "men". Putting the food down, feeling stuff and expressing to others how we really feel is about respecting ourselves and no matter how they respond we are the only ones who have control over what we think of ourselves. For example, this weekend I got my hair done...(black thing, ask a sista to translate for you". On Monday I went to the gym, and got in the pool. I hate swim caps, and it irks me to see a female in one of those ten cent plastic caps in a pool. I buy chlorine removal shampoo and go on. Well I got home and my mother whines about my hair and how cute it was. She continues moaning about it and finally I said "okay which would you rather have, pretty hair or me exercising?" Mind you last week she was "asking" what exercise I was doing cause someone she talked to said they had the surgery and walking was a must, and then by sheer "coincident" my sister said she was looking for someone to walk with her...she also told me her co-worker said I was supposed to be walking. So you can imagine my shock when my mother said loud and clear, "pretty hair." I thought for a moment and then said "wrong answer" and kept walking. I guess that was a diplomatic form of saying "f*ck you". Hadn't looked at it like that until now.
What kind of twisted logic would lead someone to say your hair looking pretty is more important to me than you being healthy? The kind of logic that says appearances are important above all else. The kind of logic that says its better to keep your marriage intact than have everyone know that you are divorced. Its also the kind of logic that denies the very existence and importance of your own soul. Cause to adhere to that kind of logic you have to deny and destroy your own soul. That's getting into a post I've been working on for a while now. You'll know it when I put it up. Its actually 2-3 parts long. But today, I was just thinking how I...we have to value us. I am who I am, and I feel what I feel. I will not apologize or lie about it to make someone else feel better. I will be respectful as much as I'm allowed but I will be honest about it and I will not sit on it at the expense of me. When who I am or what I have to say is not received respectfully or responded to with anger or hurtful words I will know that I have been true to me and that alone makes me better for the process. My brother-n-laws mother use to say, "don't let someone else put stones in your wagon." Think about it, if its your wagon, you will eventually have to pull it and if you have allowed others to weigh it down, you and you alone will be dragging all that mess around. I say, give the stones back either politely or thrown if necessary. You and your wagon will go further and last longer.