The race that wasn't a race

Last night I was showering in the gym and realized i was humming sha na na na, goodbye. For a fleeting moment I considered the current situation in my life but quickly dismissed it. Have you ever competed against someone that compared to you they were like the Tiger Woods of that particular sport? It was like no competition, but for a hot second you convinced yourself you had a chance. My gut tells me thats what I've been doing. The funny thing is that I don't even think there was someone I was competing against. I think I was challenging an idea or a state of mind. Recently I shared with someone that I dated a guy who was living a dual lifestyle. I thought I was fighting for his love, and the "opponent" was another woman and....possibly a guy. Yeah, dumb I know. Anyway, I kept thinking he's gonna see what a great person I am. He already says I'm beautiful, he talks marriage all the time. I just need to get him to understand I'm the one he needs. Oh life would be perfect if he could just get that through his head. He'll appreciate me and all I do for him soon. Guess what happened. He got his ex pregnant! Didn't see that coming did you? Well apparently the other shoe dropped on her watch, and life sounds like it has been H-E-double hockey sticks for her.
When I sit back and look at that in the rear view mirror. I can see that he wasn't offering himself to either of us nor the guy, (he got hurt in the process too.) He was caught up in his own stuff with nothing to give. I thought I could love, support and help him out of his stuff. I couldn't and it didn't give me a one up on the female or the male. It just made me a bit player in the drama that was his life. I don't know what he would have told someone else, but he told me, I want you. I want a life with you. Even after the pregnancy the phone calls would come every so often and he actually uttered the epic words, "I know I can't ask you to wait until the baby is 18." WTF?! Can you imagine waiting 18 years for someone only to still not get them, but it sounds romantic as hell though doesn't it?
My gut tells me that's what's happening now. Here's my problem: I haven't got a clue what's normal, when my judgement is being clouded by my fear of commitment, how to step outside my fear of being hurt and take the risk to express what's going on with me and when I need to just take my toys and go home.
This is part one of this post. I'm just venting or getting all the cards out on the table...well not all. I need to hold some until I can sort them out and then I'll put them on the table along with my answers.