Saturday, May 30, 2009

Keeping it real

Driving home last night, my cousin told me she would be reading my blogs. I didn't think much of it at that moment, but today I began to think about people I know reading what may be some very high highs and some very low lows, as well as lots of dark thoughts. Then I thought good, its too damn hard trying to keep that stupid curtain closed pretending to be the great wizard of my own dysfunctional oz. I can only be me. Whether its whining, crying, fussing, laughing, loving, fearing, cussing or committing crimes its me and either folks can understand that or hopefully they'll just move on.
So, I'm reading Geneen Roth's book, When Food is Love. I am thoroughly enjoying it. Its actually a quick read, but its so filling for me that I read a bit and stop to process it. For years I looked for a man who would love me so good that I would feel whole and complete. Then I started looking for other things to make me whole. Things like the perfect job, the right car, the perfect friends, the perfect piece of clothing and when that didn't seem to be working out, I looked to weight loss to be the avenue to feeling complete. This is my paraphrase (get the book for her exact words). Geneen tells a story that her husband had issues with his feet. His mother made his shoes, and his family had no really significant dysfunction. Her mother on the other hand was twisted. Get the book if you want to know what I mean by twisted. She says that the opportunity for that kind of nurturing and parenting has passed. Man I did not want to hear that, but its true. Life is not fair. Let me repeat that for those of you, who like myself can have grand pity parties about stuff. Life is not fair. Suck it up and accept it. What you didn't get at that time is gone. Even if my dad had lived, gotten sober, and taken parenting classes, the opportunity to impart certain things into me that I would need in life would be gone. We would forge a new relationship based on who we both are as adults. So where do I go from here? According to Geneen, (let me add right here, I don't hold anyone as the final authority on anything. Information gathered from other human beings is like eating fish. You eat the flesh and spit out the bones.) you are now responsible for getting you what YOU need. To make this relevant for me. When I start feeling insecure because I don't feel loved the way I think I need to be, but whats actually going on is that the 10year old me inside wants someone to tell her that she is worthy of time, attention and love, I can't pass her off to someone else. It is on me to acknowledge that I am important and a person deserving of love. If someone is truly not loving me in a healthy manner than I have to rectify the situation. That may mean asking for what I need, giving it to myself or removing myself from a relationship that is not able to give me love. Now the catch here is that I have to distinguish if what me and/or the 10 year old is asking for is a reasonable request. Make me feel good enough is an unreasonable request for someone else to fill. If my childhood was twisted enough I may not even have it within myself to give and require assistance in developing it.
Easier said than done. Especially when there are so many messages coming at us everyday to do whatever it takes to make us happy...of course the majority of those messages are focused on acquiring something or someone that will make us happy. Buy the right mini-van so that your family will travel peacefully and happily wherever you go. Buy the right flea collar and your dog will love you so much he will sing. Buy your clothes at the trendiest store and you will look smart, dance with other attractive people...stop right there. Same folks selling you this bill of goods also takes it upon themselves to tell you what attractive IS, and more than likely you don't fit the definition. You wouldn't need what they have to sale if you did. Anywho, listen to music with the latest electronics and you will exercise, be wise, more productive and all sorts of other things. My favorite is when a particular person says read a book you MUST read that book!!!! This one never ceases to amaze me. You don't become rich, you don't get to have a personal chef, you don't get to be the only person on a particular major airline that can purchase a first class ticket for your pet...you just get to read the book and talk about it with others who HAD to read it too. WTF!!??? Don't get me wrong, if I ever complete my book I'd sit right there on the couch smile and silently pray my book will be the next IT book. Momma didn't raise no fool.
I have conquered a couple of my "get this it will make me happy," voices, but still got lots of work to do. That's the thing most people don't want to do. Speaking of what would make me happy right now, I gotta go snatch those red ruby slippers from that ditsy chick with the hairy dog, but I want to get a little irreverent next time and talk about work, God's part, our part and what we like to shove off on Him in the name of religion.

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