Living out what I preach

Several post back I told you that I was in negotiations for my value in a possible relationship. Well, I am still on the shelf. Either he didn't want to or could not afford to pay the going rate. I gotta admit, it bothers me a little and no matter how many of my friend reaffirm that it was for the best, I can't help but wonder, what if? Not only that, but over the past month...which I've been absent, I've cut a few guys. The latest was a gentlemen I met for dinner this past week. This one was ok, nothing to shout about, however he had potential. He had potential that is until I discovered I knew someone who knew someone who knew him. Turns out he "exaggerated" on a few things. Sigh...back to the board. Ok, so here's my struggle. I keep hearing over and over again how miserable lots of married people are. I even have people telling me that though they're out of marriages, they reget the marriages and the fallout. BUT I also see lots of miserable folks who don't walk away from the relationships, and I think its for the same reason I keep looking and the same reason some settle for someone who doesn't value them at the level they should. No one wants to be alone and sometimes not being alone is ok even if you're still lonely. I am having a problem walking out this holding out for someone who values me, because frankly I see few folks in relationships like that. I see a few folks who had the sense to get into a long term relationship early. They've had the opportunity to ride out some storms together and understand the value of their partner. The rest of us have grown to value ourselves for our survival skills and independent strength. Its difficult to appreciate and value what others bring to our lives. So honestly there are days where I ask "does he really have to value me at $500 per stock? Is it so bad that he's only willing to pay $250?" I mean if I can survive on that whats the big deal right? Hmmm, so I wait 20 plus years to get married and then throw it all away settling in one clown? No, not gonna happen, I guess I'll roll on into old age single, alone sometimes, making long term plans for my care, childless and whatever I'm giving up not settling. I just gotta keep believing that this reality is better than being miserable with someone who doesn't value me, lies to me, cheats on me, abuses me or any other sundry of sucky behaviors.
So I guess you'd like to know whats going on with the weightloss huh? Since July I've gone from size 32 to 24/22/20 and I even have 1 14/16 sweater. I'm not talking pounds cause frankly its not moving as fast as I'd like. I'm lighter than I've been in 5 years. Someone told me they didn't recognize me until I smiled tonight. A friend told me I move quicker than earlier this year. I wear a small heel much more often and sneakers a lot less. Oh yeah remember how I was panting as I walked into the building at work in one of my first post? Not anymore!!!!
Now the downside is that I'm able to eat more things and I really have to work at not eating emotionally. I have to be conscience of not eating along with the people I eat with. The holidays are crazy, you people do nothing but eat!!!! Lol, I didn't realize how much we eat at this time of year.
The other downside is that I REALLY thought my love life would begin to soar at this point. Seriously my love life was better at size 32. Actually it wasn't, its just that I made love to food more then and it hurt less. I could blame being single on my weight. Now I know its me and not the weight. I know that I spent or wasted years being afraid of true intimacy and letting someone in. Now I freak at the thought of not ever being able to let someone in. I've made a career of picking guys who were not able to be 100% in a relationship. Its like knowing that you keep picking the wrong road while trying to get home and if you don't do something different you will just keep driving around never arriving home. But driving around is all you've ever known...hmm.
Now the cool side of this is that the future is blank...for a controlling person thats very scary, but as a person who fears it may be too late it provides fresh hope. I mean a blank future could send anything right? right? I'm asking you...well thats what I gotta believe. That's my story and I'm sticking to it...

Clutter and moving on

This weekend I helped a friend clean (this blog was started 11/08/08). Oh my gosh! Ever know someone who had a clean appearance, but you discovered lots of dirt beneath, and you finally understood why he or she could not finish the degree they'd been working on for several years at 4 or 5 different universities or whatever they couldn't finish? Thats what I experienced with this friend. She had stuff from several relationships, all contained in one area. My cousin once recommended this book to me, "Clutter's Last Stand". The author, (I'm paraphrasing) said that clutter, mess, unnecessary things which we continue to hold onto and not get rid of drains us of energy and basically prevents us from moving on. I know a young lady who has wedding gifts from her first wedding, which she has never used. She's been married and divorced again. Yes she has stuff from the second marriage as well. I think she finally got rid of dress #1, but still has dress #2. I have another friend who has paperwork and such from several relationships, I know another person who has her dead spouses' things still in place. He's been dead several years. I use to keep pictures of my ex-boyfriend's little girl on my desk at work. Funny, I don't know where those pictures are now, and I no longer have those urges to call him just to see how he's doing. Lets face it, seeing things remind us of when things were different, and sometimes they even give us permission to slip into the past when we should be moving forward. I would look at her picture and remember trips to the community pool, remember Christmas in front of a warm fire, remember "mother/daughter" outings, and so on and so on. I would either forget or minimize his lies, cheating, and the things that made the relationship unhealthy.
I kept thinking about the book as I cleaned and kept coming across souvenirs from relationships. At first I was really judgemental about my friends inability to let go of the crap and move on, but after I had some time I began to look at her clutter through the lens of my fat. Its real easy to look at someone else's "clutter" and say why can't she or he just drop that stuff and move on. From the outside it is very clear that the things are cluttering the person's life and hindering progress, but sometimes its all that a person knows. Ok lets stop walking around the pasture and go on in the barn...
Being fat is/was all that I've known. I don't have a skinny moment or star to guide my ship by. I am basically sailing blind. Recently I've developed an obsession, its called looking in the mirror. I never owned a full length mirror. In my apartment in Harlem, there was this beautiful marble stand and it held a mirror that went to the ceiling. I stopped by it in the mornings to make sure things were straight, but never to simply admire how my hips looked in something or how my breast rounded into and really enhanced the look of a blouse. I never just stood and looked at and appreciated my body. I've said for years, that I was going to buy a full mirror for checking myself, never did it. At my job we have these wonderful long panels of mirrors, and a big "ole" mirror in the women's bathroom. I went to the breakroom to microwave a cup of water. Hmmm, 2 minutes, just enough time to go to the bathroom. I really didn't have to go that bad, but it hit me I was going to check myself out in the mirror. With each smaller piece of clothing I fit into, I enjoy the view more. As I walked to the bathroom, I marvelled at how smaller women take this small pleasure for granted. Being fat, I am use to hearing "you have such a pretty face", I'm not use to hearing a man look at me and utter some explecative of appreciation. If you think hard enough you probably have a "star-less" experience. Let me help you out, I'll share a few more of mine. For years I had no reference point for how real love looks in a relationship. I had no idea what a normal courtship looked like. I had no idea what it was like to see a woman put her trust in her man and he reward that with actions which line up with her trust. Sometimes when we have no point of reference and if we've never seen something, we can't imagine the benefits it would bring to our lives. We can't imagine what we've missed not having them, and we settle for less, we don't dare hope for those things, we are actually scared (maybe even terrified) of even thinking about setting sail for that distant shore. This whole weightloss thing is very much a mental battle and the fat is my clutter. Everyday that little voice whispers, "what IS skinny, how do we know we can find skinny, what if we wander around on the ocean for years and NEVER get to skinny, what if we get so loss that we end up back where we started, what if we get to skinny and life is worse than the land of fat, wouldn't it just be better to be in the land of fat and happy than on this unknown journey, are you sure there's something out there, what if there is a big waterfall at the end, and what if we fail and everyone laughs at us? Then some days the voice just says hopelessly, "we'll never get to skinnyville, and if we do, we won't know anyone there." I get it, change is difficult and scary, and when you add in the unknown it can paralyze you into staying some place that's just "okay". I get that my friend holds on to her memories because at least they provide her with clear landmarks, familiar stars. At least she knows these things, people and situations. What she doesn't realize is that familiar and known are not always good, and "good enough for government work" is not always healthy. She doesn't realize that each piece of clutter and leftovers from old relationships is like an anchor that holds her ship in place. She is not able to set sail to better things. I can only entice her to launch out and set sail for people and things that will nurture her soul in ways she can't even imagine. In the mean time, I am working on listening less and less to the crew members on my own ship that cry for a mutiny. With each pound I drop, I'm throwing clutter overboard and sailing on.

coming clean

I realize I sound like a one hit wonder when I do this, but its who I am right now. I was driving into work and listening to MJB. It was her live performance in LA. I was listening and thinking about her performances I've seen. I had to finally admit something that hurt me to my heart. Mary is not the most captivating live performer I've ever seen. About 3-4 months ago I had this discussion. Someone said she was not impressed with MJB live. Well I smiled and continued talk, because being a good Southern young lady I understood that every one's entitled to their opinion...no matter how wrong it may be. I shared my opinion...."MJB is the best performer walking OR riding". I am a fairly new zealot for Mary. I bought "411" and didn't pick up another CD until "Growing Pains" 2 years ago. It was like seeing a long lost relative from childhood and you can't be separated again. I have everything except one project, and the new project. I watch her anytime she's on. I am looking for someone to shoot, cause I missed her singing the national anthem...can't believe you guys didn't tell me!!

Anyway I've watched her objectively and had to admit it. I think the problem is, she doesn't own the stage. Some people own the stage with their presence others own it with how they move around it, but MJB seems to be more comfortable with being part of a group. If you've ever seen Steve Harvey's bit about rapper in the Kings of Comedy show. He talks about their being lots of folks on the stage and they all have a mic. That seems to be where MJB is coming from. I know she could make the stage call her name, but I haven't seen it yet. I may have missed it and that's cool. Its not a deal breaker, in fact I admire her more.
That's fine cause lets face it, Mary J doesn't know I exist and she really and truly doesn't effect my everyday living, so if I wanted to I could remain in denial the rest of my days about her life performances.
Its a different issue when we remain in denial about folks closer to us. Women die all the time, because they were in denial about how violent their partner actually is and the risk to their lives and their children's lives. That's the extreme, but everyday we do this to the detriment of our emotional and psychological health. We deny that we see clear signs that he is cheating, that he is not into us like he should be, that he isn't over his past relationship, that he is not at a place where he is ready to be serious, that his drinking is out of control, that he means it when he says he doesn't want to start a family now, that he is not going to divorce his wife, that he is a stingy man, that he is controlling, that he is verbally abusive, that there are too many gaps in his story, that we should listen to our guts. Coming clean in a relationship is so important. Several years ago had a friend whose husband was cheating. He denied it up one side and down another. They had odd working hours, so it was difficult for her to detect. However her gut told her something was wrong and she began to look for thing...and she found them. By the time she had her proof, she had not slept with him in almost a year. Now some people would say she pushed him away, but instead of sticking her head in the sand, she took her own physical, emotional and psychological health into her own hands. Because she did, she spared herself a sexually transmitted disease. Mind you he continued to deny his cheating and had no idea he had anything...and continued to ask her for sex. When he finally admitted ALL that he had done, it was so much sh*t it made her head spin. She has since divorced him, and is now dating a much healthier (in all ways) man. Now compare that with a friend of my mom. Her husband cheated, contracted AIDS, and then came back home. She said he was her husband and she had to take him back, AND because he didn't want to use a condom she didn't. He died and yes she followed not long after. Some people actually said they admired her. I apologize if you know her, if she is someone important in your life...but that was so freakin stupid that words can't even began to describe the level of stupidness it was. Can you imagine the turmoil that must have left their children in (if they had any)?
How does this play out for me. I think if you asked my friends pre-surgery, they would have told you that I was basically one of the happiest people they knew, and that I didn't let my size hold me back. I also would have said something similar. I mean I would have told you that my social life was probably my biggest weight issue. BUT I have been told by several people that I seem to be in a really good place now. Here's the kicker, my social life is not much better now, than pre-surgery...actually it might be worst. I mean I meet more guys, but that simply means more relationships that don't work. Yet, I am more open and honest with folks. I was in denial about the things I was swallowing and taking that I simply did not like. Coming clean is so freeing. I get scared a lot, cause I'm in uncharted waters, but I love being in these new places and I love the feeling of empowerment I have. It seems to come from the fact that I am doing whats good for me, not caught up in comparing myself to where others are in their journeys.
Come clean about whatever it is and free yourself. If you hate your job, start looking or get back in school...YOU CAN DO IT. If he just wants to live together, but you want marriage, pack your stuff and go,"its you who will be found and loved..." Joy Luck Club movie. If you are the doormat for your friends or family, you deserve so much more, but until you make a change they will continue to wipe their feet on you. There's a reason why the phrase is "come CLEAN"...

Its about what you worth

I am the entertainer,
The idol of my age.
I make all kinds of money,
When I go on the stage.
Ah, you've seen me in the papers,
I've been in the magazines.
But if I go cold,
I won't get sold.
I'll get put in the back
In the discount rack,
Like another can of beans.

I am the entertainer,
And I know just where I stand:
Another serenader,
And another long-haired band.
Today I am your champion.
I may have won your hearts.
But I know the game,
You will forget my name,
And I won't be here
In another year,
If I don't stay on the charts.
That's from "The Entertainer" by Billy Joel. I think lots of times we think and treat ourselves like this song. We think if we don't keep doing for others, (most of the time that translates to men) we will decrease in value and be put on the discount rack. What many of us, ok this is my stuff so I'll own it. What I've done most of my life is do, and do and do and do, give and give and give, hoping that my value will be seen and appreciated. Back to that family stuff. Recently my brother has been sick. He has for the most part given us, his birth family his a** to kiss. He hasn't been mean about it, and he has lots of adoring fans, but when your father dies, it typically means the son steps up, ensuring to the welfare of his female family members. Well that's never been a strong suit for him. Its flipped in our family. He comes to us for things. Its a weird arrangement, but I finally got today. He treats my mother like the can peas on the discount rack, and she gushes and does even more for him and his family. In their eyes we have minimal value. He has always placed great value on light complexioned women including his wife. We are not light complexioned. Yet, my mother continues to woo him, celebrating any crumbs he throws her way. And that's where I got it from. Unlearning it has been a b*tch. I'm stilling struggling with it. But here's the deal in a nutshell, if I truly believe I have worth and value, why wouldn't I demand that full price be paid for me? Why wouldn't I demand to be treated as a thing of value. I don't mean gold digging. I mean basic common courtesy. I treat you with respect, you do the same. I make time for you, you do the same. I date you exclusively, you do the same. You make request of me and expect me to comply, I get the same in return. I am open with you, you are open with me. Why is that so hard for women to require. For me it has been that I thought men would see what I did and assign appropriate value. Unfortunately, I was advised that you have to help them appreciate and value you. I know, you probably missed that class too. It was given by fathers who had time to be involved and understood they had daughters to prepare for the world. It was demonstrated by mothers who had good self-worth or understood basic economics. You don't flood the market with anything, cause the value will plummet. You release a little bit at the time and sometimes you completely pull the product from the market. Remember Cabbage Patch dolls and Elmo? People went crazy for those items and they were selling for outrageous prices when they were in low supply, but high demand. As my favorite philosopher says:

I know how to show a little somethin, somethin
You can't see what's under there
Cause I'm a grown woman
I'm so sexy
Remain a mystery
Cause everybody always want what they can't see
And what they can't have
And what they can't grab
And what they can't buy
From "Grown Woman", Mary J, of course! That's the way it works in love too. Your momma or grandma was right. Give away everything and he won't value you. Don't get me wrong, you may get him, you may land him and you may keep him, but how will he treat and KEEP you? Will he treat you like a baseball cap he got on the Avenue in a knock off store or will he treat you like a certified authentic baseball cap he purchased in a high end sports memorabilia store? You know how he tosses that Ave, cap on the floor when he's pissed, but not the real deal. He always remembers to put it on the dresser. He creases it before he puts it on and checks it again when its on, and gives it a special smile. So its really up to me or you how we will be treated. Now here's the kicker. Sometimes it means being left in the store. I'm in negotiations right now, its day been a full day and so far I'm still on the rack. I got picked up, looked at and then he had the nerve to try and tell me what I was gonna sell for! So the manager put him out the store. He was bewildered, because its obviously his normal way to shop, and honestly it was my normal way to sell. I would have lost my shirt a long time ago if this were really a store, cause I've been selling myself short. Don't misunderstand me. This is not a negotiation for sex. This is a negotiation for how he will treat and keep me. Sex negotiations are at least 90 days down the road...at a minimum. Its scary as all get out, cause he comes with a lot of the outward attributes I said I want, and I am hoping that he will go down the block consider what he's seen so far, come to the conclusion that its worth the initial asking price. If he doesn't, he wasn't going to value me no matter how long I gave him or WHAT I gave him. But its tough to think that I could lower the price and he would stay. So I'll admit I got nervous and I bought a chocolate bar, I got some comfort food...nothing seriously bad, and I went to the gym (there and the shower are my favorite places to think). I resolved that I want the relationship I told you about yesterday and I want to be valued in that relationship, so I decided to move my products to Fifth Avenue where they belong and not allow them to leave the store until someone came along who understood good quality and was willing to get up off the cash for it. AGAIN let me be clear, I don't mean cash literally, I mean how he treats and keeps you. Most of us could have an on going relationship if we would just lower the price enough, but would everyone want Gucci or St John's if they started selling it at the Dollar Store and if they did buy it, it would be the first thing they tossed on the floor when they took it off at night. Now to understand the title of this post, go rent, borrow or buy "The Joy Luck Club". Its a phrase during the conversation about Snicker pie. Have tissue, this movie is a chick flick to its heart, but its quite empowering. Cause truly, "Its about what you worth".

The L word and Philly

Last night I went to a "Passion" Party, at the home of a couple I've known for about 4-5 years. They had a slow and shaky start, but they are in their first home, which they moved into in June. They have an absolutely beautiful home, handsome three year old son, and two dogs. It was an all women's affair so both members of the this couple were present. I am use to being a minority at my gym, at my job and so on, but this was the first time I've been a sexual orientation minority in an after work hours social event. Being me, I observed and noted a few things. First of all, I assumed that because of the outside biases, lesbians and gays intermingle racially. They may have white friends, but they were not present last night. That's the second thing I noticed, there were three vanilla(lifestyle) females present and all three of us had some form of fake hair attached to our heads. The sisters living the lifestyle had locks, short naturals, short texturizers, short permed looks, and only two long permed styles in the bunch. Couldn't help but notice the easy overlapping of household duties. I am friends with the more feminine of the two. We've talked before and she's closer to a lipstick lesbian. I'll get to our conversation later. I figured she would be the housekeeper, nurturer, and so forth. Her partner was there to greet us and throughout the night played a wonderful host (hostess?), helped my friend fry chicken, tucked their son into bed, but was also the owner of the tv's remote control. I also assumed that lesbians were much more open with their sexuality and that if I was privately proud of my prowess as a sex goddess, then they were the end all be all of the female form. To my surprise some were self-proclaimed shy, other's not very adventurous another almost militant in her refusal to even entertain products male related or having to do with pleasures which simulated male attributes. My stereotype was probably more from the male psyche played out in male porn. I expected women who loved sex, talked sex and were up for a romp on the kitchen table at the drop of a hat. Instead there were silences, less purchases and more comments about absent lovers needing to hear the information given out. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time, staying much later than I anticipated. In fact we are discussing a joint venture in January. I AM gonna hold onto my last stereotype...surely it must be one of the best "carpet cleanings" you could get anywhere...catch my drift? You know, toe curling, thigh twitching, the seizure kind?
Okay, with that said...
Lately you know I've been venturing back into online dating. Is it just me or have men lost their pea picking, ever loving minds? What is up with them? My god, the whole bunch of them act as though they should be the ones buying Tampax, Always and Kotex products! Moody, timid, defensive, insecure, and just downright afraid. And, those are the good ones!!! So, I must admit, I've never been a strong dater. I've been more of a take em or leave me kinda gal. With my commitment issues, I didn't stick around long enough for the day to day crap it takes to build a relationship. I'm beginning to think maybe I've encouraged this friendship thing that seems to happen between me and guys. Its a lot less scary I can tell you that. Ok, I just needed to vent for a moment. They've been a trip, but they really haven't been that bad. Except for one kook in Brussels who wants to be friends and see where it leads...? What drugs do they smoke in Brussels? Then there's my friend from Italy who loves my lips and thinks they should be kissed passionately and often. I quite agreed, except I can't help but wonder if maybe he loves my US citizenship more since he is here on a student visa...but even he respects my request for space.

So whats the problem?
ME!
I am realizing that real relationships look nothing like romance novels or television. They are dull, mundane and they take work. Even worse they require risk and continue to require it! See men and women communicate differently which creates huge opportunities for misunderstandings, hurt feelings and vulnerable egos to be injured. No one wants that, but if you want a good, honest relationship it is absolutely necessary. Loving someone means literally falling back into their arms and hoping, trusting, praying they will be there to catch you. That's also the definition of sheer h-ll for someone like me. I want a stone clad contract that when I put myself out there, risk looking weak, foolish and giving up control that the one I do this for assures me they will love me back. There in lies the problem. There is no guarantee, I mean you can hedge your bets and hint around it, and maybe your intended will give you some clue, but other times you could be swinging out there on your own.
I'm seeing that baggage thing in a whole new light. He says something, and is speaking from past experience, worried that you might be the same. Meanwhile you hear what he's saying as a judgement against you and become convinced that he's just like the rest, wanting you to be something you're not. Do you take the risk and open up the conversation for clarification or walk away in fear that he might reject your overtures for communication. Do you even take the risk of hoping it might eventually become something when it could end at any moment on a whim. Today at the gym, I saw a guy looking into the pool area at me. The pool is visible from the front desk where you check in, but from out there you can't tell a person's size. Ok, not sure if I'd shared this before or not, but typically my brotha's don't approach me. If I speak they get this deer caught in the headlights look, like I might kidnap them or something. I've never been sure if its the dark brown complexion (which non-black men seem to love), or my size (which black men seem to love as long as its wrapped in white skin and looks like its lost outside a trailer park)...or the 1000 watt smile (which most men like period). Whatever it is, its a deal breaker for most black men. So when I see this man looking, I turn the other way, because I don't want him thinking I want him, when he probably doesn't want me or won't when he gets a good look. Bout 10 mins, here he comes to the pool. I am finishing up my stretches after walking and swimming. As he gets to a lane our eyes meet, sure enough for a split second I see the fear. It was like the icing on this week's cake of relationship nonsense. I stopped stretching, turned immediately to get out of the pool, walked the opposite way so that I would not even have to go past him, and went to the sauna pool. I got in with my back to his position. Then an attractive white man came out of the dry sauna. I like nice calves, and he had them. I did a double take when he was not looking. He turned around came to the sauna pool and smiled as he got in. I flashed all 1,000 watts. Target acquired, locked in and fire! He sits down, despite there being 3 other people in the pool proceeds to talk directly to me. I smile respond and look at the brother as if to say, "What do you think of those apples?". He has been looking at this and gets out of the pool (hmm not a very strong swimmer) much like I did and leaves the pool area. Most people hit the steam room, dry heat or the sauna pool, he did none of those. It hit me that maybe he was being respectful and did not want me to think he saw me as a piece of meat, and was just looking like a deer cause he was looking when I looked up. Maybe he specifically came to the pool to check me out, after all he had just gotten to the gym, and typically swimming is done after weights. My baggage had caused me to make an assumption and I responded accordingly.I shut him down, before he could shut me down...
With all this crap going into trying to get a heterosexual relationship going, who can blame a girl for looking at her lesbian friend and their community and wondering hmmm? Well to be honest, I've asked myself several times if that's why at 46 (in a week) I'm still single. Could I be in the closet and not know it? If its so difficult to get a relationship going, what's up? When you consider how much time most females spend with their best friends and other females, the thought of being lovers is appealing. Ok close your mouth and let me explain. Why do you think the song "Friend and Lovers" was such a big hit?

What would you say if I told you
I've always wanted to hold you?
I don't know what we're afraid of
Nothing would change if we made love

'cause I'll be your friend
And I'll be your lover
Well, I know in our hearts we agree
We don't have to be one or the other

Everyone wants a relationship where their lover is their best friend...who understands you better, who makes you laugh the most, and who do you trust to have your back when everyone else is against you? Your best friend. On top of that, same sex relationships, presumably dodge some of the communication issues that plague the rest of us...that's my presumption. Best friends argue and say hurtful things, but the tendency is to forgive quicker and let go of it quicker. Ok the female body is beautiful, and frankly even I get a little warm watching tasteful soft female porn... With that being said that's about as far as I could go with that line of thinking. As Meatloaf has so poetically said, "I would do anything for love...but I won't do that!" The conversation my lesbian friend and I had that I alluded to was that I loved "steak" way too much to settle for "tofu", and I could not think of any reason in life why I would be "cleaning carpet" for anyone... Unless we are talking about a Bicycle, nothing Bi-curious here. At which point she explained the different types of lesbians and said I would need someone who did not want to be treated as a female. If you need further explanation, go make some lesbian friends and expand your mind. Anywho, that wasn't anymore appealing to me than carpet cleaning so I've pretty much determined, that like Fran in the Nanny, "I'm not a lesbian, just pathetic". She was hit on by a lesbian who, assumed she was one because Fran was 35 and still single, and that was her response. Ok so that's not an option. What about Philadelphia? Read some of my very early post. I have a friend who we opted to be friends rather than pursue something else. One of the issues was that I am focused on having a long term relationship which hopefully leads to marriage, and he is enjoying his freedom. Some how we developed this analogy and code terms, that I wanted to go to NY and he liked hanging out in Phlly. He felt strongly that after the surgery I would find myself in Philly, enjoy it and want to hang out there. In light of the recent developments, I revisited this idea of hanging out in Philly. That sounded VERY appealing. Meet guys, have fun, never get very deep with them, meet more guys, enjoy the thrill of superficial relationships, never having to risk hurt and rejection, especially since I would be firmly protected by the walls of Philly, and I would not have to stick around when things got messy with feelings, as a controlling person I would hold the strings, I could say when things were over, I could pull back at anytime and simply say "I told you I liked living in Philly, you can start for NY if you wish, but it will be without me." The Philly thing was sounding reallllllly good, but then I thought about it. I am scared as heck my car might not make it to NY, I've never been to NY and don't have a clue what to expect. I've heard it can be downright vicious in NY. Despite this and other perils associated with going to NY, that's where I really want to be. I want to be committed to someone who knows me some, and is crazy enough to want to stick around and learn more, I want to walk into a room and hear him tell the same story over and over again, and roll my eyes as if I'll die if I hear it again, but inside my heart sighs in appreciation for the predictable. I want to have to leave the house for a drive because if not, I'm gonna say something I'll regret, knowing that as I slam the door and walk out, I'm coming back cause there's no one else I'd rather fight for our relationship with. I want to laugh with my friends about the latest dumb thing he did, i want to call my best friend so that she can talk me into staying when I say the thrill has gone. I want to look at him as old as dirt and still see the man I fell in love with.
I guess to get there you have to kiss a few toads, slay a dragon or two, climb a tower, kill a wicked witch, chop up a wolf, and then be real clear that at the end of the day its all in a days work, not the end of the story, and happily ever after happens sometimes and then other days the you know what hits the fan. I am crazy enough to think its worth it so I'm leaving the L-word and Philly to those who can appreciate them. Me...I'm N.Y bound.

A little sum-sum for myself

This is dedicated to "Number Two" (smile). This story is a local lore that has been vocally shared with me, and its based on eyewitness accounts...but I have no insight specific to how the main character really feels. I have made some assumptions based on what I've been told and observed. Of course the names have been changed to protect the innocent...and to prevent me from loosing my shirt in an ugly lawsuit :)
Once upon a time there was a woman named Lisa. Lisa met a married man. Well legally he was married, but physically he lived in one state and his estranged wife lived in another. Lisa developed feelings or an attachment to this man, Charles. From all reports Charles displayed affection for Lisa, but made no move to divorce the out of state wife. Lisa was not deterred by this. Nor was she deterred by other woman that Charles met. Legend has it that one interloper showed up at what was then Charles' bachelor pad while Lisa was there. She remained until the brazen hussy left. Eventually Lisa successfully made his bachelor pad her home. Many years passed and in the course of time, Charles' out of state wife died. As happens with verbal stories, it is not clear how long it was, but eventually Lisa gave Charles an ultimatum "Marry me within the year or I'm out". Charles like Coke, in the 80's blinked and Lisa landed her man...
Fast forward...but not too fast or too far. In fact in the version of the story I heard it was a much much shorter period than their courtship. One day, Lisa advised Charles that she had to find herself. Lisa left and spent the next few years "finding herself". Charles "waited" for her. During this period of waiting, Charles met several women and if one began to get serious, Lisa would resurface to interfere with the relationship. However Allison came along and some how managed to connect with Charles despite Lisa. A divorce happened and a marriage. Unfortunately the story doesn't end there with an "and they all lived happily ever after". Charles and Allison also ended...and from all versions of the story I've heard, Lisa was an invisible third party in the marriage, probably the catalyst for the separation and remains in Charles' life to this day. In fact, she recently took a sabbatical from her job with the school system to go with Charles half way across the country.
Ok, you know this is not a fairy tale right? When I first began to get pieces of this story I didn't know what to think and then as others shared their opinion I developed a negative biased opinion against Lisa. As I've observed Lisa, heard other things and seen other things, it has caused me to rethink my opinion of Lisa. See I saw Lisa as a manipulative you know what, who had her claws in like a cat toys with a mouse. Well I still think she's manipulative, but I think its for reasons other than what I thought. I was hanging with Charles before the trip and noticed that the music he had was all the same genre and I asked, "Does Lisa like this type of music?" Charles responded, "I don't know, she never complained." Wow, dating, marriage and post marriage, Lisa has been in Charles' life for 15 years. You've got hours and hours of music that doesn't seem to consider what she likes...hmmm. Don't get me wrong, this is not an indictment against Charles...but it peaks my professional curiosity about this being a passive aggressive act...another post another time.

I had a get together held at another friend's home, her partner was there. He was about 1 sheet to the wind when I arrived. He left the all girls gathering to hang with a bud, and when he returned he was ripped totally out the frame. He was more like a child than her partner. Each visit I've had with him and her has been like that. She enjoys him, but clearly he is not fulfilling to her. Another friend shared that she is trying to end a relationship. Among his many offenses is that he stopped talking to her when she hung out with me. It didn't matter that it was me, it simply the fact that she had an interest outside of him. Never mind that for the past year she has been very vocal that she wants a committed relationship, and he has repeatedly said "not interested".
Lest I be accused of a male bias, against the gender I love...I have a lesbian friend who had a baby with her partner and it seems to be working, but at the time, rumors swirled that the partner had gone on a 3-4 day vacation with another woman.
What is it about us females, that makes us subjugate ourselves in relationships and accept crumbs? Ever heard of the book "Women who love too much"? I am gonna catch some serious flack about this, but let me defend Lisa for a minute...just a minute cause I still think she's a manipulative chick on the level of my mother (the really dangerous ones) See I think Lisa and a lot more are willing to literally swallow who they are as a person just to have someone. That's why when she got what she demanded in the ultimatum (marriage), she then had to go find herself. She had been leaving a piece of herself behind each day until she no longer recognized who she was. She took Charles' last name and has never given it up, despite the fact he remarried after her. Think about this, you leave someone, you continue to talk to them, "know" them, move in and out with them, own things jointly, rent things jointly and did I say "know" them? Who was her therapist, Jerry Springer? How do you know someone for sooo long and not have shared who you are? Its like those mothers who have no clue who they are without their kids. Everything they do is about the child. Is it a matter of low self-esteem? Did someone tell you in words or actions that if you give all of you, people will love and appreciate the sacrifices you've made. Do you think no one can or will love who YOU are? Why is this not an indictment against Charles? Well Charles is a friend of mine, ask him what I like and he will tell you. He calls or text me when my favorite artist is on a program so I can watch it, he uses that as examples in conversations, he burns CD's with music I've heard him play and indicated an interest in. So we know Charles is not a complete "tool"...ok he's a man, I'm sure he has "tool" days like a man can. I'm just saying he has the capability and he uses it to respect the likes, wants and interest of a female. So then what's going on here?
I'm thinking of something my mother once told me. She said my grandmother told her sex was something you just had to do. It was your obligation as a wife. This type of thinking still persist. If I just do my "duty" at the expense of myself, I will be loved, protected, validated, honored, so on and so on. First of all who wants a robot, someone who does it out of "duty" and not because they enjoy it? Secondly, anything you do with the expectation of getting something in return is called a job, and you want to...you EXPECT to get paid. Here's the problem with this, just because you think the other person will like it and therefore should pay you, if we don't have a clear understanding that this is what the other person wants, then you ain't got a valid contract. AND, you better make damn sure that the other person is actually capable of giving you what you want. For whatever reason, Lisa thinks that Charles can give her what she wants. I submit that Lisa like many women is under the impression that giving herself requires payment and all parties understand the terms of this unspoken contract, and I submit an additional thought...Lisa doesn't know what she wants. Finding herself actually means figuring out what she wants. Now hears the biggie. Once she figures it out, then make a clear declaration of demands. This requires more than one post. Tell yah what take a bathroom break and come back for part 2.

Little sum-sum for myself part 2

If you didn't read the first one, read it and then come back. Otherwise you're hopping on in the middle of the ride.

I called Lisa manipulative like my mom... let me talk for a minute about that. See my mom is the type who wants something and she was never encouraged to figure out exactly what she wanted. I think she was put in a position to believe that nice women don't ask for what they want much less demand it. When we buy for her, she won't say, I don't like that, its too short or too bright, but you get the feeling something's wrong. Its like you've scratched her back, but you didn't hit the spot. She won't say you didn't, but her body language and behavior screams you didn't hit the spot. You ask "where else can I scratch?" and she says, "never mind", so you don't. But you just know you've disappointed her. I am my mother's child and I do it. That's why I suspect that its an issue with Lisa.

So you don't know what you want, or you have a vague idea...you want someone/ something to make you happy,"scratch your itch" without you having to ask or impose by telling them what you want. I understand that. I also get manipulation...all women get it. Some are more devious, more subtle or more forceful, but thanks to society we all have a bit of it. Nothing scares me more than a man who manipulates better than a woman. Why because, men are raised to naturally feel empowered, a man who feels he is so powerless that he must operate subtly like a female, is a VERY angry man, and most of it is probably directed at women. It was more than likely momma that made him feel so weak and powerless. Trust me its just seething under the surface and he will do things to you that can be worst than battering you...and he may do that too. I have met him a couple of times. If he does scratch your itch its so that he can pinpoint exactly where to plant the knife in your back...

See women have learned to usurp power because they had to. What do you call a man who wants power...a go getter, a hustler, a man with drive, a man to be reckoned with, etc. What about a woman who wants power? A ball buster, bitch, man hater, Hillary Clinton, Jazebel.
Remember the biblical story of the woman who basically left one husband/brother for the more powerful one. John the Baptist apparently "put his mouth on her", but he was a "made" (in the Italian sense) man, so he was safe. This woman figured out that her new husband was hot for her daughter, and thus we have the dance of the seven veils. The daughter did what we would now probably call a combination pole/lap dance. After which daddy dearest said "day-um baby gurl, name it, its yours up to half of what I got." Her mother said, "ask for John the Baptist head on a platter." Thus the phrase "head on a silver platter". Another one of my favorite manipulators that is looked upon more favorably is Abigail. She was married to a big idiot and the poster child for alcoholics. He pissed off the famous David. Made David so mad, he said everything at the man's house that had a penis was going to die...what, you don't believe me? I think his exact words were everything that pisseth on the wall. Women and female animals pee on the ground. A servant went and told Abigail. She got together some good groceries, probably took a bath in Japanese Cherry Blossom from Bath and Body, put on some Oh Baby lip gloss by MAC and rode out by herself to meet this mad man. When she got to him, she offered him the food and sweet talked him into not destroying her household. She went back home waited for her husband to sober up, told him what happened. He died of shock. Cool part of the story is that David remembered this smart beautiful woman who kept her head under pressure. She became a wife of the king. One more smart manipulator. Rahab the Harlot. Yep a Craigslist girl. Saw men come into the town and realized things were about to go bad in Dodge. She made a deal with them that if she hid them in her home, she and her family would be spared in the pursuing attack. Now I've never heard anyone say this, but I think she knew she could hide them because of who she was. She probably knew that she could distract the guards if they came looking with her...uh well, skills(I bet she could do a mean booty clap).
For good or evil women have employed skills to get what they needed or wanted. I said that to point out that not all manipulation is bad. Its bad when you don't know what you want, you want others to make you happy, and you have no bases for happiness in your mind. More than likely one or both of you will get hurt and/or damaged. Ok I'm gonna leave the Charles and Lisa saga and put myself in the hot seat.
When I was in college, I was a straight laced, no nonsense Christian...well that was after two years of partying hard, being put on academic suspension, being on probation for several write ups and throwing a birthday party for a friend in a basketball player's room...what? The athletes had larger rooms, extra money for nice sound systems and it guaranteed there would be plenty of men at the party. But, I digress :) So I became a serious, self righteous pious "Christian". Well everyone knows once you get "saved", you look for a Godly man to marry. (Lets not forget, I was the poster child for commitment phobia). So I locked in on this dark chocolate drop who hung out with our group. Took months before I realized he was the brother of a fraternity guy I had crushed on for almost a year. Yeah there was some subconscious stuff going on there. But I was the good Christian girl...most of the time, and we hung out together all the time, met his mother, cooked for him, he met my family. Things progressed nicely and our group encouraged it. He changed schools and we continued to see each other. I graduated and moved to NY. Now somewhere along the way, I fell out of love with such a strict lifestyle, but didn't get around to telling him. He thought things were still the same so when he made plans to come see me in NY, I wrote him a dear John letter. I thought things were settled, no harm no fowl...boy was I wrong. First, about a year later he called me with his fiance on the phone to let me know he was getting married. Imagine the shock of hearing he was marrying a dorm mate of mine. Oh well I deserved that right? But it wasn't over, about 8 years ago he reconnected. Turns out he was divorced, and living in a military town close by. We talked and talked. We met for lunch a couple of times and then Valentines day he woke me up with a phone call. He wanted to know what I was doing. I told him I was going to an Agape love feast and he asked if he could come along. Wow! this is the stuff great love stories are made of. Thats what I was thinking. To make a long story just a bit longer, we went he paid for everything, it was a dinner hosted by my friend's church. Nothing particularly romantic or overwhelming. When the evening was over, as we parted he delivered a punch to the face and a kick to the gut...not literally. He shared that he always thought it was cute how I liked him and how he never really felt the same way. Ok,so the guy revised history a helluva lot and if you need proof, my best friend from college will tell you the facts, but you will have to let her fuss about how crazy he is before she tells you how things actually were. What I am getting at is that this man on two separate occasions took the time to try and hurt me like I had obviously hurt him. What sicko would plan to spend Valentines day with someone he secretly hates. I gotta admit it was a twisted cool plot. But he obviously felt manipulated and used...and he was. I mean he was cute, he was a Christian and so I thought "hmm that's what I need to make me happy and complete my matching set." He doesn't know it, but he got off easy. I've said it dozens of times. If I had married young I would have made some man's life pure H-E double hockey sticks. No doubt about it. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted, or even where I was going.
Hmm, this has taken so many twist and turns can I really bring it to a sensible closing? Well go grab a snack and come back for the conclusion in Part 3.